WASHINGTON - Two old guys locked lips on Tuesday, as morbidly curious Americans gaped in disgust at the wrinkled folds of two sets of dried-out, crackled male lips meet and part with a single string of sticky, old-person saliva.
"At first, I was completely offended," Barack Obama, 46, a Muslim of Des Moines, Ia. said. "I mean, just seeing that type of sexually implicit, yet completely sexually devoid activity, is an affront my religion. But then, it was kind of like I couldn't not watch."
Obama's sentiments were echoed throughout eyewitness accounts.
"Two men kissing is okay, I guess. I have gay family members," Dick Cheney, a 78 year-old federal employee told the Dissociated Press. "But just thinking about the how that disgusting old mouth tasted across the other guys tongue... Suffice it to say, I can never look at a bowl of pastina again and not feel myself gagging."
The two old men, one of whom was only conjectiured by a key witness as "this guy that hangs aroud here (Washington) sometimes", failed to be properly identified.
"I could've sworn I'd seen one or maybe even both of them around here once or twice," kiss eyewitness and avid "foreign policy buff", Condoleeza Rice, said. "But I don't really want to recognize them - if I saw one of them in person, I don't know how I'd react. All I'd be able to think about is the powdered Geritol residue left behind on his lips and the inevitable taste of pureed carrots on his breath."
The kiss, which lasted one half of a second, failed to initiate any further sexual contact between the two old men, but incited the digust of roughly seventy million Americans.
"Thank God they both probably have severe erectile dysfunction, or I would lose more sleep than I already have," Tony Snow, a public relations manager, said. "Thank God I don't know who those guys are."
