Decline in breast screenings concerns experts, perverts

A mammogram isn't the easiest medical exam to endure, sometimes painful and often embarrassing to the woman.

And that's why perverts across the nation deduce to be one potential reason why mammography rates have declined in the U.S., despite how freaking hot it is.

That decrease has also alarmed experts, who believe the X-ray exam is the best way to detect breast cancer early and to get a good look at a juicy tit.

"Mammograms are not perfect tests, but they currently are the most effective test available," said Dr. Ralph Kramden, a breast cancer oncologist at the Indiana University School of Medicine's Cancer Center.

The drop in breast cancer rates coincided with an increase in the free offers to perform mammography tests across the nation in local bars, taverns, strip malls and the popular Howard Stern radio show.

Since 2006, though, the use of mammography exams to determine carcinogenic presence have faltered, and experts wonder if stricter sexual harassment laws have deterred perverts from performing the services for free.

"If we stopped doing mammograms today, we wouldn't see an increase in patrons to my Friday night 'Breast' Dressed contests," "Doctor" Richard Ricardo of Steve's Bar and Grill said.

Discomfort and embarrassment also are believed to play a part, both Kramden and Ricardo said. "Embarassment and physical discomfort is also a really hot factor," Kramden said.

Finally, women might be avoiding the screening, because they just don't want to hear criticism from analsysts.

"They just don't want to hear the news that they have floppy tits, even if it's better to hear it when they can't feel anything," Ricardo said. "But detecting the disease early is in your best interest. You can successfully beat the cancer if it's detected early, versus just hoping to hear that you're still hot."

Jolie says tragedy, coupled with anorexia, caused weight loss

Angelina Jolie says her dramatic weight loss was due in part to the sudden death of her mother, coupled with her long-term refusal to eat anything.

The 32-year-old actress - whose mother Marcheline Bertrand passed away after losing her battle with ovarian cancer in January - claims the emotional turmoil she went through and a desire to "look thin" caused the pounds to fall off.

She said: "I have always been lean and this year I lost my mother and I've gone through a lot."

"The thing that's disturbing is that instead of people saying, 'This looks like a person that's actually dealing with something, probably from emotions.' They say, 'Does she fit into skinny jeans and look thin?'"

"I want people to understand who I am as a person is not just somebody that's trying to look thin, but also trying to work through a very difficult year."

Angelina also revealed her partner Brad Pitt was "extraordinary" when her mother died, and when he discovered that she regurgitated nearly every consumptible within minutes of ingesting it.

She added to Grazia magazine: "He is just a great friend and so supportive. When I told him of my goal weight, and when my mother passed -- he was just so great. He sat with me and held her hand. After she passed away he spend the night asking me and my brother about our mother and got us to tell funny stories about her. He focused on all the love and joy we were fortunate enough to have had, especially when your body is like mine. He was extraordinary."

Celery Stalk writers think they're "pretty fucking funny."

NEW YORK - Rereading the latest posts written by editor Christine Marucci of the Celery Stalk, Marucci has decided that she and her team of writers are "pretty fucking funny."

"I mean, who comes up with that? 'Local philanthropist gives free political discourse with purchase'? Sure, the guys at the Onion probably came up with it like, ten years ago, but still. It's pretty fucking funny," Marucci told herself at the Dissociated Press.

Citing everyday situations as inspiration and then blowing them out of proportion to fit the graveness of most newspaper headlines, Marucci says that her team is "great" - fit to par with just about any team of writers, "even the President's. And that is one bunch that knows how to win people over."

All three fans of the Celery Stalk, who declined to release their names, said the Celery Stalk was their favorite "work time-waster."

"I mean, I'm on it like everyday, trying to figure out what Christine really looks like - you know how she has red line over her eyes? I bet she's got blue eyes. That would be awesome," said "Lenny Awesomeberg", who declined to give his real name.

Marucci, however, refused to answer questions about her alleged psuedocide, her relationship with the Sunday Morning Sentinel's elusive author, and whatever happened to Donald Angelo Mirabello.

"As far as I'm concerned, that guy never existed," was all Marucci said.

Free Invisible Webtracker all marketer needs

ONEONTA, Alabama - Citing a diversified necessity for client "Telecorp, Inc.'s" website, freelance marketing consultant Todd Rundgren announced to the web coordination supervisor yesterday that all he needs to drive Telecorp's sparse internet traffic is a "free invisible web tracker, courtesy of statcounter.com."

Local philanthrophist gives free discourse with purchase

EAST BRUNSWICK, N.J. - The local Borders chain store is anything but ordinary if area man Jeff Cohen has something to say about it.

The 43 year-old East Brunswick native is surprising visitors to the Borders bookstore on Route 18 with a generous holiday gift this season - free political discourse with every purchase.

"[Cohen] hangs out at the counter, and kind of talks about how Johnny Cash and his cronies were corrupted, collusive, even," 18 year-old cashier Jonathan Mulberry told the Dissociated Press.

Mulberry reported that among the kind advice that Cohen gives, he even offers counsel and aid to the elderly and sick.

"He told this eighty year-old lady who was in here buying a Ladies' HOme Journal or something that he had receptors in his ears so he could read her thoughts, and that only a select few of us know about the government's control on us," Mulberry said, adding that the gentlemanly Cohen even offered the women advice on how to stop it: "He told her that she could stop them, using willpower in her mind, and that her magazine was brainwashing her."

According to Mulberry, the "giving" doesn't end there, and reported that Cohen even donned a Santa Claus costume one December afternoon, chanting "Ho ho ho!" and emphasizing the friendly Christmas cheer to nearly every female customer that entered the franchise.

"He seems to like to spread his message to women, especially," Mulberry said, and reported claims of Cohen reminding female customers to receive regular mammograms to lessen fears that cancerous "and cantankerous" growths could be forming in their "pectoralis Major".

Cohen doesn't forget children and teenagers, according to Bonnie Smith, resident and mother of two. Smith was shopping in the Borders when an encounter with "Cohen" made her children's afternoon "one they would never forget."

"He basically told my five year-old son that Santa Claus wasn't real and that Jesus died a slow and painful death on the cross for his sins. [Cohen] also told him that if he didn't remember Jesus this Christmas, the devil had already gotten to him and when he died, he'd spend an eternity raked across the 'infernal coals of hellfire,'" Smith said.

Still some don't appreciate Cohen's season offerings, and those - like Borders manager John Titor - have even threatened to summon police on several occassions.

"I've had to kick that guy out several times, but he keeps coming back. On the few occassions that he makes a purchase, it's usually to buy a People magazine with a personal check - and he doesn't fail to tell us that he plans to 'cum all over Paris Hilton's smug sense of satisfaction' to 'wipe out the fecal matter of her soul,'" Titor reported.

"This is a family store. We don't need this here."

When asked if he had other avenues to spread his holiday cheer, Cohen reported that he planned on visiting a desk clerk who labored at a local motel, followed by phoning police about a neighbor's car parked in front of his house to spy on him, and finally, would reconcile a scheduled visit to his local bar and grill to harass regular patrons with stories about his best friend John Lennon and their civic duties.