Local liver claims it "has had enough" of unhealthy relationship

Citing extreme abuse and neglect, despite his never-ending devotion to his life partner, the liver of local man Jim Garbo has "completely checked out", claiming it "has had enough of this horrible relationship."

Garbo's liver said the events of this past weekend were the final straw, and made it's decision "so much easier."

"I have finally seen the light, after he downed that 19th pint, I knew i had to get out of there. I can only filter so much blood at a time, but he doesn't care about that, it's always about him."

The liver says that, while the physical abuse was bad, the emotional trauma was so much worse.

"The bruising and swelling were bad," the liver said, "especially trying to make excuses to my friends. They probably think I'm some kind of super klutz, cause I don't know how many times I told them I 'fell down the stairs'. As bad as that was, though, nothing hurt more then the way I was taken for granted. I've done so much for him, like keeping hime alive, and not once was I ever thanked. I would've settled for a 'good job' once in a while, but I never even got that."

The spleen, a neighbor and close friend of the liver, has said the relationship went on longer than it ever should have.

"All those nights of yelling and fighting, just terrible. I've tried to tell liver many times to leave, but, well, I guess sometimes your emotions blind the reality of some situations."

It was learned that Garbo tried to reconcile, which the liver calls a "move of desperation."

"He know without me, he can't drink, that's all he cares about, not me. Well, as the song goes 'You don't know what you got till it's gone,' and I am definitly gone."

Garbo could not be reached for comment.

In Brief: "I want another baby," Halle Berry says

NEW YORK - In a shocking announcement setting the entertainment realm abuzz, actress Halle Berry lamented to Oprah Tuesday that she "wants another baby."

"I'm really sick of this one," the pregnant thespian said, patting her distended abdomen. "I just really, really want another one."

The "Mets suck", according to everyone

NEW YORK - In a final blow to that mutant breed of Mets fans, the catastrophic collapse of Tom Glavine yesterday gave the Mets a plane ticket home instead of the postseason, giving everyone in the world a free pass to say how much they fucking suck.

"You know what? Now's a better time than ever to jump ship to a good team like the Yankees," said Barbara Billings, a 43 year-old accountant from Staten Island. "But then again, Mets fans get off on losing and just come out of the woodwork whenever their team does well - so I guess it's just better to keep them underground where they'll breed their insidious species for next year."

While Mets fans across the board are "saddened" and "sickened" by this unexpected flop, everyone else couldn't be happier.

"I'm so glad I won't have to deal with those motherfuckers at the bar this postseason," avid Yankee fan and frequent drinker Thomas Jefferson said. "I'm so sick and tired of looking at their stupid faces with their stupid hats and listening to their stupid comments about their stupid, sucky team. What do they have against the Yankees? That they actually win?"

While Mets fans argue that the Queens-based franchise doesn't have the payroll or the ability to draft all-stars like their crosstown rivals, the New York-based Citibank's CEO, Jeff Curro, believes differently.

"Well, we did pretty much hand them $4.3 billion," Curro said. "If that's not a lot of money, I don't know what is."