Sado-masochist Strangely Pleased at Economic Crisis

DETROIT - Defining the current economic conundrum as "another Great Depression" and a "surefire shortcut to losing [his] home", area man Derek Weaver couldn't be "more thrilled."

"Oh, man, I love it when things get really bad," Weaver said, adding that he really feels "mercilessly raped" by a capitalist infrastructure "gone wild."

While the entire nation, many of whom have large investments at risk, are biting their fingernails in wait for a solution to a critical issue, Weaver insists that an economic collapse will derive "great pleasure."

"Not knowing if my mortgage bill is going to be triple the amount next month is just exhiliration," Weaver said, describing that mounting financial pressures and a resulting self-destructive alcoholism was better than the time that his "ex tied me to a steel bedframe in a dank basement for six days without food or water."

"I really thought nothing would be better than that," Weaver said. "Boy, was I wrong."

Weaver, who frequently enjoys such pleasure-void experiences as burning himself with candles, being gagged, drinking urine and getting tied up and having sex withheld from him when he is aroused, said that the pinnacle arrived Tuesday, when he learned that the company he worked for for over 20 years was laying him off.

"Oh, man, I had a good jerk after I got that pink slip. I couldn't wait to get home and tie a rubber band to the end of my dick and spank it until it swelled up," Weaver described.

Humorless Feminists Protest TVLand Over Really Funny "I Love Lucy" Episode

SUMMIT, N.J. - A New Jersey feminist group, American League of Ladies in Power, is protesting a media giant over its broadcast of an I Love Lucy episode that hinders the power and equality of women, objectifying females and enforcing roles upon them.

The episode, which features a classically entertaining plot of gender reversal in which Ricky and Fred tend to the housework and Lucy and Ethel go out into the phallo-dominated "working world" of the 1950s, aired on TVLand at 10:30 am on September 28, 2008.

The iconic episode, entitled 'Lucy and Ethel Get Jobs', includes the timeless scene where Lucy and Ethel stuff chocolates in their mouths to keep the assembly line manager from realizing that they are not up to par to the task of wrapping chocolates - and ends with the girls receiving the ironic, but hilarious, gift of chocolates from Ricky and Fred as a truce.

"The episode in which Ricky and Fred call housework 'easy' and the implication that entering the working world is 'just for men' is a repugnant, chauvinistic approach to the complexity of womanhood," ALLY founder and president, Eileen Norvitz, said.

ALLY, whose members have already drafted a dozen protest letters to the network and plan to stage a rally against the Viacom faction on Monday, have echoed similar sentiments about that first episode of "Bewitched" where Darrin Stephens orders Samantha not to use her witchcraft.

"Just because he's a man, he should have power over her?" Norvitz complained about the highly entertaining fictional 1960s sitcom featuring fictional characters with fictional superpowers. "I would've twitched my nose and sent him back to the Dark Ages where he belongs. I'm not even going to mention Gladys Kravitz, who exemplifies the ill-conceived notion that housewives are mindless and gossipy fools."

Critics of the movement, like everyone who is not a feminist, had a differing point of view. Norman Fisher, a 38 year-old technology consultant, had doubts about ALLY's movement.

"Besides, everyone knows TVLand doesn't even have good shows on anymore, and it's the same shit everybody else has in syndication. If I were the group, I'd be more concerned about protesting their new programming direction," says Peterson. "I mean, what happened to iconic classics like 'Taxi' and 'Mary Tyler Moore'? I've already seen every horrible 'Just Shoot Me' episode - on NBC, because the show just fucking ended," Fisher said.

Investigators Wonder if Murder Suspect's Horribly Boring Novel on Computer Has Relevance

ATLANTA - Georgia state police and a team of technology investigators hoping to discover evidence in indicted murder suspect , Tucker "Sketchy" Graham's computer have proved a harrowing task.

"We think Graham took photographs of his victims and itemized them like a sick, twisted inventory of gore," principal investigator Cpt. Lionel Lipschitz told the Dissociated Press about Graham, a suspected serial killer who victimizes his marks through methodical organ amputation. "But so far, all we've recovered are a few family vacation pictures and a draft of this really terrible romance novel."

The task of reading the novel for any clues assigned to Sgt. George Martin is, according to Martin, "probably the worst assignment I've ever had."

The novel, Martin describes, follows a simple country boy hoping to woo a minister's daughter in his small town.

"It's such a derisive, generic piece of shit," Martin said. "I mean, who uses a simile like 'her eyes shone like the gentle morning rain on grass?' It's not even eloquently written."

Furthermore, Martin says, trying to prove to the District Attorney that the "scene in which Graham's protagonist has a lustful moment when he gazes at his object of affection when she sets down to admire the sunrise by the lake" has any correlation to the gruesome lobotomic death of area woman Jennifer Tracer is proving to be difficult.

"The D.A. wants more forensic evidence to secure a conviction," Lipschitz said. "But so far, my team has only a scantily edited 700-page novel with little plot, character development or direction."

"I don't even get his main character's flaw. Like, he's a country boy, she's a country girl - what's the big deal? Like why don't they get together already? 700 pages and he doesn't even try to stick it in her - I was kind of hoping she was this depraved lesbian slut whose minister father forces her to be with the unwitting protagonist to 'reform' her, but so far - there seems to be no conflict, dilemma or any plot-moving device of any kind," Martin said, further describing a 150-page lull outlining the protagonist background with a happy, problem-free family.

Also found on Graham's computer were pictures of his wife and two kids enjoying the day at Disney World in 1998.

Climactic Belly Exposure Not Really Worth It

NASHVILLE, Tn. - After nearly eight months of waiting for coworker Alan Bell's shirt to inadvertantly slip up over his stomach to reveal a glimpse of his abdomen, area woman Lara Fisher describes anything but exhilirating.

"I've always been really attracted to Alan," the 27 year-old sales associate told the Dissociated Press, "and I've always tried to picture him naked. So, naturally I was very excited when he rose to get off the couch at (friend) Tim [Nabert's] place. and his shirt hem had risen over his waistline."

Fisher then describes a horrific chain of events which began when "intuition" averted her eyes to Bell's midsection just "seconds before" he stood fully upright and pulled the hem of his shirt to cover his skin.

"In my mind, I thought, 'Wow, this is it. Finally!'" Fisher reports. "God, what was I thinking?"

If she had just looked a "few seconds later," Fisher laments, she wouldn't have been witness to a "huge disappointment."

"I always imagined Alan having a hard, tight body with a six pack abdomen," Fisher describes. "But when he stood up and his shirt came up over his belly, it was kind of just hairy and gross, like a 'beer-bellied frat boy.'"

Fisher, who has not had physical contact with a man in over eight months, describes the disappointment as a "serious blow" to her sex drive.

"All intentions of one day getting [Bell] drunk enough and crawling into bed with him have pretty much disappeared," Fisher reported, citing plans to purchase a mid-priced vibrator and watch six consecutive episodes of Supernatural starring Jared Padalecki.

Single area man determined to stop Russian forces

CHATTANOOGA, Ga. - Considered armed and dangerous, vigilante citizen Fred Markum is determined to stop Russian forces from invading - even if it takes forever.

"Those goddamn reds'll have another think coming if they even step foot on my block," Markum told the Dissociated Press, who didn't have the heart to tell him that Georgia is a city-state fighting for independence in the Middle East and that Russian forces are not planning on invading the state of Georgia in America.

Looking so cute with his little Confederate jacket and rebel flag and sawed-off shotgun, the 82year-old retired steel mill worker sat in his little rocking chair and drank peach schnapps listening for any potential indicator of an attack.

"What was that?" Markum repeatedly asked, his old, beady little eyes widening behind his big, bushy old-man beard every time someone on his block started an engine or police sirens went off.

Describing himself as "more ready than ever", the redneck described his militaristic style approach to single-handedly defeating the ruthless forces of Russian soldiers.

"Them soldiers like to fight dirty. Well, I can fight dirty, too, believe you me," Markum reported, describing his plan to continually fire his shot gun every which one until "each one of them was dead."

"They don't know who they're messing with. Forget Texas," Markum said. "Don't mess with Georgia."

Markum, who has planned similar affronts on "kykes, koons, katholics", gay people and blacks who even took an interest in any real estate sales on his block, says that his approach will prove to be successful.

"I had experience with this," Markum said, cocking his gun like a precious little stereotype before taking another swig of liquor, causing reporters in the press corps. to coo in delight at what a time-forgotten little man stood before them.

"Time to leave, Russia. Time to leave."