Cuba "totally not inviting" Bush to Halloween party

HAVANA - In the latest setback in U.S. - Cuba relations, the dictator-led Communist nation has annouced that they are "totally not inviting President Bush" to their uber-exclusive Halloween party at the end of next month.

The exclusion comes just hours after Bush's snarky comments at a U.N. pow-wow that denounced the election-less regime's undemocratic approach to rule.

"As far as I'm concerned, it's really the pot calling the kettle black," Cuban foreign minister Felipe Pérez Roque said in a privately held press conference in the back of his limousine while stuck in traffic on 43rd. "I mean, this is the man who denigrated our executive system for lack of fair elections? I don't think there anything more ironic on this earth."

President Bush was not pleased by the blacklisting from the "most bitching party of the year", and only had this to say through White House Press secretary, Tony Snow:

"So what? I'll throw my own party. And it won't be all communist and evil like his. It's going to be so much funner, with so much better beer than him (Cuba) - and my party will have the best thing of all: freedom of speech."

The Dissociated Press learned that despite Bush's exclusion, Vice President Dick Cheney and Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice still plan to attend the uber-exclusive affair dressed as an S&M couple. As of press time, Cheney was being fitted with a ball gag, unavailable for comment.

"I'm totally mad [Cheney's] going. His loss. Anybody who's anybody is going to be at mine," Bush said, citing a guest list that included wife Laura, his parents, and two Secret Service agents, Ted and Bob.

"[Ted] and [Bob] are a total blast. Cheney's totally going to be jealous when he hears about our scavenger hunt and the scary stories we're going to tell...no, not the one about Condi wearing a G-string!" Bush joked.

"I have an awesome [story] about a cemetary," Bush said. "No, you won't want to miss this party - you guys want to come?"

Yankees fan criticizes Yankees for same error

ISLIP, N.Y. - Yankees fan and Islip Best Buy Company Softball team shortstop Alex Hamilton denigrated Derek Jeter in a three-minute tirade in front of his television Saturday for failing to turn a double play.

"What the fuck! Getting three thousand dollars a second to trip over your own feet? You son of a bitch! God, give me that money! I sure as hell could do it better than you...son of a bitch."

The failed play against the Boston Red Sox in the sixth inning of the AL East showdown bears a striking resemblence to a play in last week's matchup against the Chichi's Cheetahs in which Hamilton failed to turn a double play on a standard ground ball to his second baseman, Billy Carter.

Despite the fact that Hamilton has actually never turned a double play in his entire career with the Best Buy Softball Team, he has his reasons.

"The wind wasn't really working for me," Hamilton said of the weather conditions on that cloudless, eighty-five degree Monday evening.

Hamilton also alleged that if first baseman John Haggerty could "actually catch a fucking ball", then the play would have been executed perfectly on Hamilton's high and grossly inaccurate throw to first base.

"It was just - I mean, come on. It wasn't my fault."

Jessica Hart, a Best Buy cashier and second baseman on Hamilton's softball team, had other words for Hamilton's slip-up.

"The guy is constantly comparing himself to Derek Jeter, calling him a wannabe and claiming that he was scouted in high school. I'm not saying he wasn't, but if you can't get a hit in slow-pitch softball, it does make it awfully hard to believe."


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Nation can't wait for another season of '24'

NEW YORK - The critically acclaimed Fox network mega-hit, '24', has become so popular nationwide that Americans simply "can't wait" for season 17 to begin.

"I've never been so excited as I am for the next season of '24,'" said Goldman-Sachs broker and '24' fan, Jim Hatchett. "With its realistic timeline of events and accurate portrayals of defense operations, it sucks me right into the storyline."

"I always tell my secretary to 'hold my calls,' during '24' season," Hatchet said with a laugh.

Vanessa Hudgens, a '24' fan of Ithaca, N.Y., says that each season opens up with a "credible threat."

"Nowadays, anything can happen," Hudgens said, citing examples of daytime atomic bomb detonation in the Valley, militarist invasion by terrorist regimes into Los Angeles suburbs, and the meltdown of every chemical plant in the country without anyone at any of the facilities noticing or reporting any type of security breach.

"The way they really get the ball moving is excellent, too," Hudgens said, describing the satirical CIA's ability to ignore laws, shuffle staffers in critical times of necessity, fail to perform background checks on shady new employees and let uninsured, laid-off agents complete field operations - all to solve international crises in 24 hours or less. "The ticking clock on the show really helps to develop the plot and exemplify the characters' amazing skill and ability as secret agents. I mean, the fact that they can drive from CTU headquarters to LAX in under four minutes is incredible, to say the least."

Still, there are some dissenters to the show's portrayal of national defense agencies. Meredith Bates, a Birmingham, Ala. resident and occassional '24' viewer had a different opinion on the defense operations staff at CTU.

"What I can't believe is that the intelligence agency on the show still staffs the same people. I mean, if I were working at, say, the CIA and I let dozens upon dozens of catastrophic events happen on my watch, I would probably be fired by now, don't you think?"






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Apparently, Timberlake not talking to Spears is a big news item

THE UNITED STATES - In the wake of 9/11 and the failed Iraq imposition, the economic recession and the Federal rate cut, the subprime mortgage lending crisis, the rampant xenophobia, the Puritan media movement, the federal tax hike, illegal wire-tapping, the Israeli and Iranian conflict, terrorist threats on mass transit infrastructures, the overhaul of illegal immigrants, gay marriage debates, the upcoming presidential primaries and environmenal protection funding cuts, the fact that Justin Timberlake has not talked to Britney Spears in a few years is making top headlines.

Timberlake, the erstwhile boyfriend of the celebrated late nineties couplet, announced on Oprah Winfrey's boring, terrible, vapid and inane talk show this week that he "has not talked to Britney" in a few years

The announcement appeared in Internet articles and newspapers across the country, blaring headlines that shocked a nation into a frozen state of disbelief and sadness.

"Frankly, there are no words to express my utter sorrow at this news. It broke my heart," said Sam-Al Jaquiri, an Iraqi emigre who sought safety in the United States following the death of his entire family to a car bombing. "


Garden City resident Mary Jo Antler feelssimilar sentiments. The 43 year-old mother
of four, who recently underwent an incredibly painful masectomy instead of being cured of cancer because the United States federal government doesn't want to fund stem cell research, said that "nothing has made me feel more alone."

"I can't believe that, after all that time spent together, they don't even remain friends. It's just sad - when two people love each other that much, and they don't even talk anymore," Antler said.

War veteran Jamie Mulligan, 22, who recently returned to the United States with extensive brain damage to the prefrontal cortex that controls speech, motor capabilities and planning and critical decision-making skills said through an aided communication device: "Just a shame. A terrible shame."

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Area man disappointed to hear daughter is a "bad lay."

HARRISBURG - Area father Benjamin Franklin was "disappointed" to overhear a conversation between three teenage boys about their sexual exploits with his 16 year-old daughter.

"Basically, I don't think I could look her in the eye," Franklin said. "According to the boys, she won't even get on top or move."

Franklin said that his daughter's "adventure-less" sexual behavior described by the boys lies in stark contrast to that of her mother, Tiffany Franklin.

"When [Tiffany] was 16, she was a beast in bed," Franklin said, describing in full detail of past trysts that included donkey-punching, New Jersey Meathooks, and chicken cutlets. "I mean, come on."

The roundtable discussion between the boys began at Tony's Pizzeria and continued to the 7-11 next door, according to Franklin.

"It was non-stop. From how (daughter) Samantha doesn't take her shirt off or properly lubricate to her complete lack of interest in sex. As a father, I was disgusted,needless to say," Franklin said. "I don't know if I should have a talk with her or not, but her sexual behavior, or lack thereof, is really shocking."

While Franklin doesn't have any immediate plans to encourage his daughter to behave more laviciously, he does hope that the future will look brighter for men who engage in sexual acts with his daughter.

"Practice makes perfect, I guess. She's young, after all. Maybe she just needs to put out a little more."

Band complies with request of fan in seat 134, row T

HOLMDEL, N.J. - One hour into their sold-out, 90-minute set at the Garden State Arts Center Friday, the band members of Incubus complied with the fan in seat 134, row T's request to play their 1999 hit, "Stellar."

Ron Howard of Princeton shouted the title of his song request for "nearly an hour", according to concert-goers, before the band broke into the song.

"As soon as I heard the first chord [of 'Stellar'], I knew they were playing it for me," Howard said, describing how he stood on his seat among the 10,000-plus crowd to communicate with band members.

"To be honest, we weren't planning on playing the song," Incubus frontman Brandon Boyd said. "But we just couldn't ignore the obvious from the fan in seat 134, row T. So we decided to play ['Stellar'] for him."

"Everyone in attendance should thank me. Without me, the band might not have played that song, and it just wouldn't be as, well, 'stellar' a show without it," Howard said with a wink at his clever pun.

Other fans trying to enjoy the concert were not pleased with Howard's persistence, however.

"I was trying to enjoy the show, and this asshole behind me kept yelling, 'Stellar! Do Stellar!' like a fucking moron," concert-goer Carissa Hart said. "Who even likes that song anymore? I bought these forty dollar tickets so I could see if Brandon [Boyd] was still hot, not to hear that guy yell."

Serial killer strikes again, area women insulted

LOUISVILLE, Ky. - A horrific discovery Monday of another victim of an at-large serial murderer who seems to target young attractive females has left area women feeling "insulted."

"Why hasn't he picked me?" Kelly Brown, 43 and mother of five, said. "I may not be 21, but I still look damn good."

The serial killer, known as the "Baseball Bludgeoner", seems to target attractive, young females, and the Louisville police have issued a citywide warning to women to stay indoors after dark. The warning has little effect on local women, who feel nothing but "resentment" and "anger" towards the threat.

Henrietta Smith, a 59-year old Louisville resident, says that she believes her dark hair has kept her "out of the [serial killer's] plan."

"He probably likes blondes or redheads," Smith said. "Well, you can tell him that it's his loss. If he doesn't like me the way I am, well, he can just go screw off - I'm not changing for any man."

From the Editor: The Celery Stalk is Growing!

Dear Celery Stalk Community:

Every once in awhile, something good happens in our lives. Today is no exception, and, as the editor of this esteemed collective of writers, I'd like to welcome Meredith Bates, acting reporter and contributor to the Celery Stalk.

She's totally hot and sexy and fun.

So, look out for her new entry later on today, after I post.

Thanks for reading, kids.


Sincerely,

Christine Marucci
Editor-in-chief
The Celery Stalk

Britney Spears comeback a success, says mom

LAS VEGAS - Britney Spears "comeback" performance Sunday night at the annual MTV Video Music Awards was a "complete success", her mother reported.

Lynne Spears, erstwhile manager and genetic donor to the fallen pop star, has deemed her daughter's latest set "spectacular"

The elder Spears, who reportedly conferred with her father and great-aunt June Billings over a three-minute telephone conversation from her Nokia cell phone, feels that the comeback performance is only "the beginning" of a "new budding chapter in Britney's stellar career."

"It was great - did you see Britney on TV?" Spears asked Billings during the post-performance release. "She was great, wasn't she? I'm so glad to see her back doing what she loves."

The Celery Stalk has learned that Billings responded that she "did see Britney" and she "did a nice job" after an approximate five-second pause.

Lynne Spears ended the conversation shortly after, citing a celebratory trip to Applebee's following Spears set.

While Spears' mother is certain that the MTV VMAs will skyrocket her faltering career, the blogosphere and SMS lines were flooded with messages relaying that her appearance was "an embarassment to the Britney Spears brand, and likely an indicator that she will never, ever regain her status as a pop icon following that terrible, terrible performance."

Opium is awesome, study finds

BILOXI, Miss. – A new study released on Monday found that opium should be scheduled into a different class of illicit narcotics.

The six-week study, conducted by a panel of independent researchers, has substantiated the centuries-old speculation that the poppy-derived narcotic is “awesome.”

“Before this study, we had no certainty about how opium affected the user… Now we know for certain that opium should not be categorized with the Class 'Cool' or 'Great' drugs, when it is, in fact, really 'awesome',’” said Dr. Sidney J. Vicious of the International Center for Medicinal Research in a peer review of the study.

The researchers - a small, self-funded operation in the basement of Craig Tinker’s mom’s house in Biloxi – concluded their study after a weekend-long experience with opium.

Tinker, who headed the experiment, said the impromptu experiment began when colleague Robert “Pussy-lips” Fisher and then-girlfriend Angel Harris arrived at Tinker’s mother’s residence with the opium.

“We basically started popping the pills, and felt really awesome [as a direct result of ingesting the pills],” Tinker said in an interview with the Dissociated Press.

Tinker reported that they knew they “were on to something” when control subject Brett Thayer, who did not consume the opiates, didn’t feel as “awesome.”

“He was basically being a buzzkill,” Tinker said. “It was then that it clicked – opium is awesome.”

Tinker and the group submitted the findings of their study to Vicious – a friend and former co-worker at the Route 9 McDonald’s – and immediately began receiving renowned accolades from the medical community.

“These young men and women deserve the highest regard and recognition for these bold and courageous efforts to elevate mankind’s understanding and advance scientific discovery,” Vicious said.

While Vicious hinted at the team’s nomination for a Nobel Peace Prize, Tinker said the awards ceremony would have to wait until after the funeral of colleague Harris, who died during the experimental phase of the study.