NEW YORK - In an unexpected turn of events on Saturday, local woman Diane Cleary's cell phone ironically died while a criminally insane serial killer followed her.
"Holy shit!" Cleary screamed when realizing that the out-of-issue Nokia 3250 ten-key cell phone she held in her hand was out of "bars" on the black and white display screen.
Despite running at a rate nearly twice that of the serial killer's slow but brisk walk, the knife-wielding serial killer seemed to be "right behind" Cleary nearly every time she looked over her shoulder.
"It really was ironic," the serial killer reported with a chuckle. "I mean, it was about eight, maybe eight thirty when I tracked her down on what should have been a busy city street when she couldn't catch service. That would've really helped her call the authorities on me, but what are you going to do? Se la vie."
Cleary, who realized that her error in "running down an abandoned alleyway" instead of seeking shelter in one of the many storefronts, says that if she "had to do it all over again, I would've went into that Starbuck's. Maybe then I wouldn't have broken my leg while tripping over those wet newspapers in the abandoned alleyway."
T-Mobile, the faulty cell phone provider that could have perhaps saved Cleary a night of terror, released a statement defending their network: "T-Mobile is dedicated to continuous coverage in all network areas. Ms. Cleary's decision to opt for a cheaper, pay-as-you-go Nokia cell phone is her own fault in her fatal stabbing."
