Sado-masochist Strangely Pleased at Economic Crisis

DETROIT - Defining the current economic conundrum as "another Great Depression" and a "surefire shortcut to losing [his] home", area man Derek Weaver couldn't be "more thrilled."

"Oh, man, I love it when things get really bad," Weaver said, adding that he really feels "mercilessly raped" by a capitalist infrastructure "gone wild."

While the entire nation, many of whom have large investments at risk, are biting their fingernails in wait for a solution to a critical issue, Weaver insists that an economic collapse will derive "great pleasure."

"Not knowing if my mortgage bill is going to be triple the amount next month is just exhiliration," Weaver said, describing that mounting financial pressures and a resulting self-destructive alcoholism was better than the time that his "ex tied me to a steel bedframe in a dank basement for six days without food or water."

"I really thought nothing would be better than that," Weaver said. "Boy, was I wrong."

Weaver, who frequently enjoys such pleasure-void experiences as burning himself with candles, being gagged, drinking urine and getting tied up and having sex withheld from him when he is aroused, said that the pinnacle arrived Tuesday, when he learned that the company he worked for for over 20 years was laying him off.

"Oh, man, I had a good jerk after I got that pink slip. I couldn't wait to get home and tie a rubber band to the end of my dick and spank it until it swelled up," Weaver described.

Humorless Feminists Protest TVLand Over Really Funny "I Love Lucy" Episode

SUMMIT, N.J. - A New Jersey feminist group, American League of Ladies in Power, is protesting a media giant over its broadcast of an I Love Lucy episode that hinders the power and equality of women, objectifying females and enforcing roles upon them.

The episode, which features a classically entertaining plot of gender reversal in which Ricky and Fred tend to the housework and Lucy and Ethel go out into the phallo-dominated "working world" of the 1950s, aired on TVLand at 10:30 am on September 28, 2008.

The iconic episode, entitled 'Lucy and Ethel Get Jobs', includes the timeless scene where Lucy and Ethel stuff chocolates in their mouths to keep the assembly line manager from realizing that they are not up to par to the task of wrapping chocolates - and ends with the girls receiving the ironic, but hilarious, gift of chocolates from Ricky and Fred as a truce.

"The episode in which Ricky and Fred call housework 'easy' and the implication that entering the working world is 'just for men' is a repugnant, chauvinistic approach to the complexity of womanhood," ALLY founder and president, Eileen Norvitz, said.

ALLY, whose members have already drafted a dozen protest letters to the network and plan to stage a rally against the Viacom faction on Monday, have echoed similar sentiments about that first episode of "Bewitched" where Darrin Stephens orders Samantha not to use her witchcraft.

"Just because he's a man, he should have power over her?" Norvitz complained about the highly entertaining fictional 1960s sitcom featuring fictional characters with fictional superpowers. "I would've twitched my nose and sent him back to the Dark Ages where he belongs. I'm not even going to mention Gladys Kravitz, who exemplifies the ill-conceived notion that housewives are mindless and gossipy fools."

Critics of the movement, like everyone who is not a feminist, had a differing point of view. Norman Fisher, a 38 year-old technology consultant, had doubts about ALLY's movement.

"Besides, everyone knows TVLand doesn't even have good shows on anymore, and it's the same shit everybody else has in syndication. If I were the group, I'd be more concerned about protesting their new programming direction," says Peterson. "I mean, what happened to iconic classics like 'Taxi' and 'Mary Tyler Moore'? I've already seen every horrible 'Just Shoot Me' episode - on NBC, because the show just fucking ended," Fisher said.

Investigators Wonder if Murder Suspect's Horribly Boring Novel on Computer Has Relevance

ATLANTA - Georgia state police and a team of technology investigators hoping to discover evidence in indicted murder suspect , Tucker "Sketchy" Graham's computer have proved a harrowing task.

"We think Graham took photographs of his victims and itemized them like a sick, twisted inventory of gore," principal investigator Cpt. Lionel Lipschitz told the Dissociated Press about Graham, a suspected serial killer who victimizes his marks through methodical organ amputation. "But so far, all we've recovered are a few family vacation pictures and a draft of this really terrible romance novel."

The task of reading the novel for any clues assigned to Sgt. George Martin is, according to Martin, "probably the worst assignment I've ever had."

The novel, Martin describes, follows a simple country boy hoping to woo a minister's daughter in his small town.

"It's such a derisive, generic piece of shit," Martin said. "I mean, who uses a simile like 'her eyes shone like the gentle morning rain on grass?' It's not even eloquently written."

Furthermore, Martin says, trying to prove to the District Attorney that the "scene in which Graham's protagonist has a lustful moment when he gazes at his object of affection when she sets down to admire the sunrise by the lake" has any correlation to the gruesome lobotomic death of area woman Jennifer Tracer is proving to be difficult.

"The D.A. wants more forensic evidence to secure a conviction," Lipschitz said. "But so far, my team has only a scantily edited 700-page novel with little plot, character development or direction."

"I don't even get his main character's flaw. Like, he's a country boy, she's a country girl - what's the big deal? Like why don't they get together already? 700 pages and he doesn't even try to stick it in her - I was kind of hoping she was this depraved lesbian slut whose minister father forces her to be with the unwitting protagonist to 'reform' her, but so far - there seems to be no conflict, dilemma or any plot-moving device of any kind," Martin said, further describing a 150-page lull outlining the protagonist background with a happy, problem-free family.

Also found on Graham's computer were pictures of his wife and two kids enjoying the day at Disney World in 1998.

Climactic Belly Exposure Not Really Worth It

NASHVILLE, Tn. - After nearly eight months of waiting for coworker Alan Bell's shirt to inadvertantly slip up over his stomach to reveal a glimpse of his abdomen, area woman Lara Fisher describes anything but exhilirating.

"I've always been really attracted to Alan," the 27 year-old sales associate told the Dissociated Press, "and I've always tried to picture him naked. So, naturally I was very excited when he rose to get off the couch at (friend) Tim [Nabert's] place. and his shirt hem had risen over his waistline."

Fisher then describes a horrific chain of events which began when "intuition" averted her eyes to Bell's midsection just "seconds before" he stood fully upright and pulled the hem of his shirt to cover his skin.

"In my mind, I thought, 'Wow, this is it. Finally!'" Fisher reports. "God, what was I thinking?"

If she had just looked a "few seconds later," Fisher laments, she wouldn't have been witness to a "huge disappointment."

"I always imagined Alan having a hard, tight body with a six pack abdomen," Fisher describes. "But when he stood up and his shirt came up over his belly, it was kind of just hairy and gross, like a 'beer-bellied frat boy.'"

Fisher, who has not had physical contact with a man in over eight months, describes the disappointment as a "serious blow" to her sex drive.

"All intentions of one day getting [Bell] drunk enough and crawling into bed with him have pretty much disappeared," Fisher reported, citing plans to purchase a mid-priced vibrator and watch six consecutive episodes of Supernatural starring Jared Padalecki.

Single area man determined to stop Russian forces

CHATTANOOGA, Ga. - Considered armed and dangerous, vigilante citizen Fred Markum is determined to stop Russian forces from invading - even if it takes forever.

"Those goddamn reds'll have another think coming if they even step foot on my block," Markum told the Dissociated Press, who didn't have the heart to tell him that Georgia is a city-state fighting for independence in the Middle East and that Russian forces are not planning on invading the state of Georgia in America.

Looking so cute with his little Confederate jacket and rebel flag and sawed-off shotgun, the 82year-old retired steel mill worker sat in his little rocking chair and drank peach schnapps listening for any potential indicator of an attack.

"What was that?" Markum repeatedly asked, his old, beady little eyes widening behind his big, bushy old-man beard every time someone on his block started an engine or police sirens went off.

Describing himself as "more ready than ever", the redneck described his militaristic style approach to single-handedly defeating the ruthless forces of Russian soldiers.

"Them soldiers like to fight dirty. Well, I can fight dirty, too, believe you me," Markum reported, describing his plan to continually fire his shot gun every which one until "each one of them was dead."

"They don't know who they're messing with. Forget Texas," Markum said. "Don't mess with Georgia."

Markum, who has planned similar affronts on "kykes, koons, katholics", gay people and blacks who even took an interest in any real estate sales on his block, says that his approach will prove to be successful.

"I had experience with this," Markum said, cocking his gun like a precious little stereotype before taking another swig of liquor, causing reporters in the press corps. to coo in delight at what a time-forgotten little man stood before them.

"Time to leave, Russia. Time to leave."

Two Old Guys Kiss

WASHINGTON - Two old guys locked lips on Tuesday, as morbidly curious Americans gaped in disgust at the wrinkled folds of two sets of dried-out, crackled male lips meet and part with a single string of sticky, old-person saliva.

"At first, I was completely offended," Barack Obama, 46, a Muslim of Des Moines, Ia. said. "I mean, just seeing that type of sexually implicit, yet completely sexually devoid activity, is an affront my religion. But then, it was kind of like I couldn't not watch."

Obama's sentiments were echoed throughout eyewitness accounts.

"Two men kissing is okay, I guess. I have gay family members," Dick Cheney, a 78 year-old federal employee told the Dissociated Press. "But just thinking about the how that disgusting old mouth tasted across the other guys tongue... Suffice it to say, I can never look at a bowl of pastina again and not feel myself gagging."

The two old men, one of whom was only conjectiured by a key witness as "this guy that hangs aroud here (Washington) sometimes", failed to be properly identified.

"I could've sworn I'd seen one or maybe even both of them around here once or twice," kiss eyewitness and avid "foreign policy buff", Condoleeza Rice, said. "But I don't really want to recognize them - if I saw one of them in person, I don't know how I'd react. All I'd be able to think about is the powdered Geritol residue left behind on his lips and the inevitable taste of pureed carrots on his breath."

The kiss, which lasted one half of a second, failed to initiate any further sexual contact between the two old men, but incited the digust of roughly seventy million Americans.

"Thank God they both probably have severe erectile dysfunction, or I would lose more sleep than I already have," Tony Snow, a public relations manager, said. "Thank God I don't know who those guys are."

Total Asshole Wants You to Know He's Italian

HOBOKEN, N.J. - Total asshole and Hoboken resident Tony Giovanni, 32, won't miss a single opportunity to let you and everyone else within the confines of any bar, restaurant, workplace picnic, supermarket, and other socially interior locales, that he is descended from an Calabrese-Italian heritage.

"Hey, how you doin'?" Giovanni told the Dissociated Press, while chomping down on cavatelli pasta, kissing his fingers. "Having some 'gavadeels' [sic]."

Giovanni, who aptly works as a longshoreman on the harbor and is known to down a case of beer in one sitting, yet cannot speak a traditional word of Italian, recently announced plans to visit his "mudda's" house for some of her "ricatoni e muzzarell."

"Don't forget the proscuitt and gravy. Muah," Giovanni said, purposely dropping the last phonetic syllable to correctly pronounce "proscuitto."

Giovanni met trouble on the way to the house of his mother, Gloria Seider. On the intersection of Grand and Fifth Avenue, Giovanni reported that he encountered a "couple of mulignons" who wanted "a piece of him."

"I gave 'em the old eye," he said. "I says, 'You want to mess with me? Huh? You want to take this outside?' Of course they didn't, 'cause we was [sic] already outside, and I gave 'em the what for. I says, 'I'm straight from Italia, brother' and they hit the road like a couple of fanucchs."

Giovanni shook off the incident and reported to the Celery Stalk that "no one don't want to mess with" him, and announced plans to visit the nearest night club in a rip-off Armani to offer his "sau-seeg" to a couple of the "smoking hot chicks" while "bumping" to the latest popular music.

"I don't care. I ain't going to let a couple of schmucks get to me - I'm going to have fun," Giovanni said, before offering a hit of weak ecstacy he got from "Vinny the Guinny" on "Grand." "I'm an Italian guy - you don't want to mess with me, Jesus."

The youths, however, told the Dissociated Press that they don't recall "Giovanni", but recall seeing several people who resembled him at Jenkinson's beach bar.

Millions "Ripped and Ripe" for Reunion Tour

SAN FRANCISCO - Millions of fans rejoiced Monday after the legendary rock super-group "Jesse and the Rippers" announced that they will be reuniting for an eleven month world tour, kicking things off at Madison Square Garden in New York City on September 21.

"I wasn't even this excited when I gave birth to my children", exclaimed self-proclaimed "Ripperhead" Patricia Ukodas. "This is just incredible, I can't believe it. This is bigger than landing on the moon!"

Along with frontman Jesse Consopolous, fans are delighted that the original lineup - the two other guys that played guitar, the bass player, that guy that played the keytar, the two white backround vocalists, and also the one black backround vocalist - will be returning to the stage. It was also said that they guy that sometimes showed up and played trumpet will be at some of the shows.

"We just knew it was time." said Consopolous. "We are once again ready to rock with our metaphoric [expletive deleted] out to some of your favorite Beach Boys covers."

Jesse and the Rippers broke up in 1990, following Consopolous' decision to embark on a jingle-writing career with no-name comic Joey Gladstone - the singer's roommate. The band went on to some moderate success with teen sensation Barry Williams fronting the band, then known as "Barry and the Rippers."


Consopolous then went on onto a solo career, capturing the number seven slot on the Japanese pop charts with his cover version of the Beach Boys "Forever".


However, neither Consopolous nor the Rippers captured the success they had when they were together. While never actually writing an original song, Jesse and the Rippers garnered a huge following, by doing what they do best - "rocking out to other people's songs," according to the press release issued by the band.


"They really know how to get a crowd going, like by skipping the entire intro and verse of a song and going right for the chorus." said television personality and brother-in-law to Consopolous, Danny Tanner. "They are a success, because they know what the people want."

While not touring with a New Jersey-based band, the Dance Floor Remix, comedian Joey Gladstone, life-long friend of Consopolous will be the opening act for the entire tour.

"I'm very, very excited." said Gladstone, impersonating 1920s cartoon character, Popeye. "Eleven months on the road with the boys - well, blow me down."

While Rippers fans are excited about the reunion tour, some expressed dislike for the "obvious nepotism" responsible for Gladstone's opening billing.

"It's a sham," Rippers super-fan Bob "Buckeye" Steeler said. "It's not even close to funny. I mean, the guy could at least fart on a snare drum or something. At least I would chuckle."



When Gladstone was asked why his stand-up routine was blatantly free of jokes and comedy, he simply replied: "Oh come on now, Cut-It-Out."

Enormous Fat Ass Entertains Patrons at Restaurant

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. - An enormous fat-ass titillated patrons at barbecue eatery, Porky's, when he commenced to chowing down on a large helping of pulled pork and rib tips.

"It was ... unlike anything I've ever seen," said customer Paul Peters. "Just watching his gigantic arms jiggle as he laboriously lifted another sauce-drenched chicken wing to his mouth was mesmerizing."

Despite his highly-entertaining behavior, the mysterious lard-o entered the restaurant alone and left without an applicable grand exit.

"It was like this gelatinous blob just swept in, devoured a table's worth of food, and disappeared with the wind," diner Melissa Hargrove, 32, told the Dissociated Press. "Then I thought to myself, 'Wow, the food must be really good here since I would never just come to a place all by myself to eat.'"

According to waitresses, the disgraceful glutton left a "nominal" tip, despite his "large order" and "numerous complaints."

"The chicken wings weren't hot enough, there wasn't enough sauce, the rib tips needed to be fried in more oil - I mean, the list of complaints did not end," Beth Fisher, a Porky's waitress who served the giganctic oaf, said.

Fisher also reported that the fat-ass appears frequently, "like clockwork", but does not ever bring along another guest, or consume less than 30,000 calories per visit.

"Well, at least he always orders a Diet Coke," Fisher said.

Apocalyptic destruction plans"going swimmingly", says Devil

NEW YORK - While he's kept a pretty low profile in the past century, as secularism and materialism dominate the global sphere, Prince of Darkness and ruler of Hell, Mr. Lucifer Satan said that his plans for a catastrophic apocalyptic destruction to lure all living and dead souls into the dominion of hell for all eternity are "going swimmingly."

"Believe it or not, just because you haven't heard much about me doesn't mean it hasn't been going well," Satan told the Dissociated Press in a Monday phone interview. "In fact, it's going better than ever."

Satan, who thanks MTV and LSD for creating an "apathetic, atheist" society that worships false, earthen idols resulting in general malaise about God and morality has made it "easier than ever" to tempt unsuspecting souls into brimstone and fire.

"The fact that Americans, specifically, are driven by the greed and lust generally associated with a capitalist civilization - I mean, I don't even have to get up off my throne to get little Johnny to steal that new Kid Rock cd in the midst of the recession."

However, a little stealing charge isn't enough for eternal damnation, Satan admitted.

"It's really the Kid Rock thing that the Man Upstairs can't overlook. When he gave mankind freewill, he kind of expected them to have better taste. So, I've personally looked after Rock's success. You could kind of say I'm his biggest fan."

Satan, who expects to ink at least a thousand more soul-swapping contracts this afternoon for "a variety of useless, mundane human desires", is sure that when the Apocalypse occurs, his spawn will be ready for the battle.

"I just got a soul for a pack of cigarettes," Satan said, scoffing. "Cigarettes! Don't people know you can die of cancer ... sooner than later?"

"People who like jam band rock pretentious, douche-y", study says

WASHINGTON - An ongoing five-year study at the University of Washington revealed its astonishing findings Monday morning, surprising the scientific community and rocking the mainstream world.

Dr. Danny Tanner, lead principle of the federally-funded research assignment and director of the U. Washington Department of Social Sciences , announced the research findings at a press conference outside the Lincoln memorial highway.

"After an exhaustive five-year study, we've come to the conclusion that - while many walks of life contribute to our global and international societies mutually exclusively - people who listen to jam band music are by far the most pretentious and douche-y individuals to co-exist among us."

"They're just plain awful," he added, citing a double-blind experiment in which the jam band group was let outside for a cigarette with the variable, non-jam band-liking group.

Observing behavioral discrepancies, Dr. Tanner said the findings were "astounding."

"While the non-jam band group opted to smile gracefully and socialize with others while puffing on, say, a Marlboro Light, the jam-band group kept mainly to themselves, kicking their Chucks around annoyingly as they painstakingly rolled their own cigarettes by hand."

"At least they'll get cancer faster," Dr. Tanner added.

In another study, the participants of the study were asked to enjoy home-cooked barbecue food in a party simulation environment. Again, Dr. Tanner reported, the jam-band group continued to behave in an adverse and pretentious manner.

"Instead of chomping down on a juicy burger with all the fixins', the jam-band group predominantly chose to force down veggie Boca burgers with organic mustard on whole wheat, dairy and egg-free rolls."

"It's just obnoxious," he added.

Also surprising was the find that fifteen percent of the jam-band group sneered at the non-jam-band variable parties for enjoying a tasty meat patty. One, according to Dr. Tanner, went so far to reduce a girl in the variable group to tears by calling her a "cow-killing breeder."

Finally, the "piece de la resistance of the study" - according to Dr. Tanner - was themed as a socially normal concert setting. This study, Dr. Tanner said, is where his group finalized their conclusions.

"When we played popular music from the past two decades, the non-jamband group could be seen nodding their heads, enjoying the music and drinking a few beers. The jam-band group did not drink, smile or even talk - until we played 'Magnolia'."

Then the mayhem began. The jam-band group began stripping wildly, dancing oddly while kicking their ankles to their backs if they weren't crawling around in the mud and dropping acid.

"It was clear then that this group was clearly a bunch of fucking douche bags," Dr. Tanner said.

When asked how to counteract jambandism, Dr. Tanner said that his department has submitted a proposal to receive additional grant funds to find a cure to liking the Grateful Dead, hemp clothing, and lice-infested dreadlocks.

Fresh Princes Cashes in on Inheritance, Skips Town

In this undated photo, Prince
William of Bel Air poses for reporters
at a press event in London. The
Prince is wanted in questioning for
fraud in regard to the late
King Phillip's large fortune.




"This is a story all about how my life got twisted upside down. So, I'd like to take a minute - just sit right there - and I'll tell you all about how I become the Prince of Bel Air"

Chilling words excerpted from a poem penned by the inherent Majesty Prince William of Bel Air, found just days after he ran from the royal Kingdom - pocketing nearly $90 million from the late King Phillip's massive accumulation of wealth.

The Royal Family has yet to release an official statement on the Prince's "check in and cash out" routine, though it is conjectured by our Lady Princess Hilary that Prince William posed as cousin Prince Carlton to corrall the copious cash in the latest scheme that she deems, "totally rank."

"I don't know about you, but when somebody shows up at your door in taxicab claiming to be your nephew from Philadelphia, you don't just take him in no questions asked," Hilary said in an interview with the Dissociated Press.

When asked about her late father's decison to take in Prince William, Hilary only had this to say: "My father, for all intents and purposes, was a kind man, but I don't know how he made such a living as a judge, when he couldn't even determine that the [apparent] Prince William was, like, a total fraud," she said outside the family's reposessed 2.3 acre home in the Bel Air section of Beverly Hills, Calif.

Armed police officers escorted her off of the property moments after being ambushed by a barrage of eager reporters on a rather slow news day.

The scandal comes just weeks after King Philip's not-so-surprising heart attack that ultimately killed him and left the Royal Family in turmoil and disarray. According to local authorities, the not-so-Prince William was last seen in Oakland with a brightly-colored accomplice believed to be conman DJ "Jazzy" Jeff, wanted on sixty separate counts of trying to be cool.

Prince Carlton, who has also filed additional charges against the runaway Prince William for unlawful impersonation - and plans to continue with a civil suit seeking punitive damages for pain and suffering - left the Estate with little to say.

"If I ever find him or Jazzy Jeff, you can be sure that I'll have something to say. For now, I'm just grateful that I no longer live in the shadow of the son my father wished he had," was the cryptic message Prince Carlton left reporters with as he signed a handful of autographs and even posed for a photograph with a cardigan-clad posse of fans.

Queen Vivian was also mum on matters concerning her fraudulent kin.

"He called himself the 'Fresh' prince of Bel Air, and it came at a time when the kingdom was sympathizing with this radical socialist movement. I just thought it was cute. You wanted to pinch his cheeks. Now, I want to break his face. In fact, I want to see him dead," the Queen snarled at reporters when asked about the Prince's allegedly debaucherous affair.


The only person in connection with the scandal who fails to see the repurcussions of the fraudulent Prince's scam is Jeffrey* - who served as the Royal Family's Butler and declined to give his last name.

Jeffrey said that the it was "only a matter of time before King Phillip succumbed to the hazard of his poor diet and bad habits" and that the "Fresh" Prince just sat around and waited until the day that it would "all catch up to [Phillip]."

"After working myself to the bone my entire life for this man, I don't deserve a little bonus? He left it all to that penniless charlatan we had the distaste to call a Prince (William)?" Jeffrey said.

Still, Jeffrey says he does not sympathize with the Royal Family's coercion into poverty.

"To be quite frank, I'm not the least bit upset that his children will live out their days in squalor and squabble amongst themselves how they were led awry. In fact, I'll be taking an early retirement in Boca Raton while they feast off chicken wings in the trailer park estate section of Anaheim," Jeffrey said. "Joke's on them, litrally."

When asked why British people can't produce the phonetic pronunciation of the word "literally", he only replied with, "No comment."

Supportive Straight Friend Hopes He Won't Get Hit on at Gay Pride Parade

NEW YORK - Supportive friend and proudly-proclaimed "Super-hetero" Marc Geiger hopes that his attendance at the New York City Gay Pride Parade won't lead celebrating homosexuals to think that he is "available."

"Just because I'm here, does not mean I'm 'queer'," Geiger told the Dissociated Press with a wink. "I don't want any of these guys getting the wrong idea."

The 29 year-old, 280-pound New Jersey resident, who says he attended the parade to support his good friend, Raymond Aramark, who came "out of the closet" in 1998, reported that he is "comfortable" with their sexual difference - but wouldn't want to "participate" in that lifestyle.

"I mean, I saw this guy kind of looking at me like he thought ... you know, I was attractive or something," Geiger said. "I'm not one of those guys who would make a big deal about it, but I just - wouldn't want to disappoint. I'm straight, you know?"

The alleged suitor, however, Armani underwear model Gregory Fishburn, 35, told the Dissociated Press he doesn't remember ever seeing Geiger or being attracted to him.

"Are you talking about that fat, hairy guy who smelled like he needed a good douching?" Fishburn said. "I looked at him like, 'Honey, it's called deodorant. Look into it. And put down the fork, while you're at it."

Aramark, however, reported that he "appreciated [Geiger's] support" but his insistence on "attending the parade" and "talking about guys wanting him so much" was "incredibly annoying." "I wasn't even going to ask him to come," Aramark said. "He kind of just invited himself along."

Realtor Puts Positive Spin on Murder Site

MADISON, Wi. - Area award-winning sales and real estate agent Deborah Wilcox never loses a sale - even if death stands in the way.

"I've sold over four houses this week alone," Wilcox brags - and with good reason. Her sales numbers at the Century 21 Real Estate Agency are "a-one", according to her supervisor, Bill Siphington.

"[Wilcox] is our top seller," Siphington reports, and that's why Wilcox won't let a "little thing like a murder" stop her from selling a property.

Wilcox, who ran a thirty-word ad in last week's Louisville Criterion classified circular, said that the "charming" three-bedroom Cape Cod with a remondeled eat-in kitchen is a "must see" that boasts a large, well-manicured property.

"It was even featured in the April 16, 1999 issue of the Home News! " Wilcox tells potential buyers excitedly, omitting that the article actually reported on the gruesome and terrifyingly sadistic murder of 26 year-old John Matthews that took place on the property.

Wilcox begrudgingly admits that the house had "a little setback in 1999...but that shouldn't stop [buyers] from starting a home of [their] dreams."

"In fact, you could look at it like a little piece of history - how fun!" Wilcox adds, hoping that her potential buyers will focus on the "breathtaking" stainless steel kitchen appliances and not on the woodshed in the backyard where police found Matthews' horribly decomposed corpse.

Interested buyers can call Wilcox on her direct line at the Louisville Cenrury 21 real estate agency at (800) 777-1222 extension 316.

Actress Marlee Matlin: "I'm tired of being typecast"

HOLLYWOOD - Oscar winning actress and advocate for the hearing-impaired Marlee Matlin told the Celery Stalk at the 'Sound of Silence' press junket that she's "tired of being typecast" into "deaf roles."

"That's all I play - deaf characters," Matlin said through a sign language interpreter. "I can't tell you how many times my agent gets a call for another character - and they're all deaf! I can play other types of characters, you know. I have an Oscar."

When asked how her inability to speak could possibly hinder her quest for non-deaf character work, Maitlin responded: "I could play a mute - I do know sign language, you know."

Other suggestions Matlin had for casting directors were roles such as "X-ray Technician", "Telepathic Alien", and "Interpreter for the Hearing-Impaired."

"That last one is my favorite," Matlin said. "I could play an interpreter for the hearing-impaired who realizes that the people she interprets for don't actually know American Sign Language, but British Sign Language! There's an endless list of plot twists and dilemmas to make for a great made-for-TV movie or 'Curb Your Enthusiasm' episode."

Cigarette arraigned on murder charges

SACRAMENTO - The Office of the District Attorney of Sacramento detained cigarettes for questioning Saturday on suspicion of the murder of area man Richard Phelps, 89.

The cigarettes, who have several assault and battery convictions and have been questioned in the murders of multiple middle and senior-aged individuals, did not appear to waver, according to sources.

"The cigarettes appeared calm during the entire arraignment process," an unnamed District Attorney official, speaking on condition of anonymity, told the Dissociated Press. "I'd even go so far as to say he was 'smooth'. Just a pleasure - really de-stressed us around here."

The cigarettes face a second-degree murder indictment in the case of Phelps, and could possibly be arraigned in the deaths of countless other individuals, including 87 year-old Gary Tiller, who died last year from a combination of cigarette-smoking and being hit by a bus.

Advocates for the cigarettes decry officials' detainment of the cigarette, calling it "a cop-out" that suits the cigarette as a "scapegoat."

At a protest rally at the state capitol building, protesters held signs and shouted, "Free Cigarettes!"

While the rally did inspire some unwanted company - individuals who clearly did not understand the message or the "levity of the situation"- it gave concerned citizens a podium in which to voice their opinions.

"We're not saying the cigarette didn't kill those other people - but it didn't kill [Richard] Phelps, and it most certainly didn't kill [Tiller]," Cigarettes Advocate planner Raymond DeSantos said. "To frame cigarettes as the sole killer in those deaths - when it was mainly years of an extremely poor, high-cholesterol diet and a drunken bus driver that contributed to the deaths of those gentlemen, respectively - is morally irresponsible and drags cigarettes' good-natured name through the mud."

The "Free Cigarettes" campaign is expected to last through the arraignment process, and probably further, if the cigarettes are indicted.

However, Anti-Cigarettes advocates, the "Truth" campaign, are hoping the case will shed light on putting this criminal behind bars, "once and for all."

"We won't rest until cigarettes are stopped," Stephanie Morris, self-proclaimed radical and NYU junior, said. "They won't 'smooth'-talk us with their naturally calming effect. There are billions and billions of people that cigarettes have killed. Just look at our totally not made up statistics that contribute to federally funded PSAs that are plastered over prime-time programming geared toward teens that only make kids more curious to smoke than not."

Still, the DA's office hopes the "civil unrest" over the cigarettes matter will come to an end.

"Only time will tell (if the crowd will simmer)," the unnamed DA official said. "Likewise, it's so hard to say today if something like the cigarettes case is goign to do much harm or good to society until fifty, maybe sixty years down the line. I'm pretty sure that his long rap sheet is not going to help his case, nor is the fact that if he is guilty, he seems to select individuals who are older and have predisposed genetic or extremely harmful environmental factors contributing to their demise - though most people refuse believe that."

"Besides, we are looking into another possible suspect - radon."

Area Employee Dreams Big

PHOENIX - Like most Americans, 32 year-old regional sales associate Leonard Fisher has opportunist dreams of one day owning a large house with a white picket fence, starting a happy family, and having the ability to tell his dipshit boss to "go fuck himself."

Citing a recent incident, "among many", that involves Fisher's supervisor, Bill Evans, "coincidentally forgetting" instructions and "wasting hours of my time" when "backtracking" on this "fucking Olsen account", Fisher simply smiled and told Evans he'd "get right on it", all the while dreaming of Evans being devoured by thousands of ravenous piranhas.

Fisher, who has yet to tell his boss "to bend over" and take a "long, fleshy cock" up his "fat ass", told the Dissociated Press that he "can't wait for the day to tell that douche bag (Evans) to shove a rod in it," referring to the aforementioned posterior region.

"Evans is such a dipshit," Fisher said. "God, I can't tell you how many times I dreaded him coming into my office, asking how my weekend went and then listening to a fifteen-minute diatribe about how his 'fantastic' weekend was. In reality, though, I'm guessing he spent most of it sitting in his basement drinking Yellow Tail and listening to Bad Company records while his fat, ugly wife nagged him about cleaning the gutters."

While stating that he usually just "smiles and nods" while Evans speaks, Fisher says that he usually daydreams about "slashing the tires on Evans' shitty C-class Mercedes" or "fucking Evans' fat wife seven ways to Sunday" just for the "sheer thrill."

Even so, Fisher admits that it'll be a "long while" before he lives out his dreams.

"I keep playing the lottery every week - not for the money so much as for the chance to tell Evans what a fucktard piece of shit he really is."

Ross Perot: "I can't believe this fucking guy"

WASHINGTON - Former Independent presidential candidate Ross Perot had some harsh words Tuesday about this year's presidential primaries.

"Back when I was running for President - those were simpler times," Perot told the Dissociated Press, referring to his failed run for the White House sixteen years ago, in 1992. "You didn't have all this mayhem running about - you know, who is black, who is white, who is a woman, who is not. I was anti-war the first time, and am again this time - I don't change my mind. Secondly, had a plan to single-handedly balance the federal budget crises, and you guys swoon over this friggin' Barack Obama - who thinks if he smiles and points enough, we can all band together in harmony to solve the world's problems, despite the fact that most of us are not seriously educated in a political realm?"

"The fact of the matter is that this Barack Obama, just waltzes into the Senate two years ago and suddenly decides to run for President. I seem to recall him picking up my dry cleaning at a bipartisan conference in 2005 - next thing you know, he's barging into board meetings and putting in his two cents."

"I can't believe this fucking guy," Perot added.

Perot likened a potential Obama presidency to "enlisting a blind man to draw a street map - he might try his damndest, but in the end, all you have is a bigger mess."

Asking, "just who the fuck does [Obama] think he is" , Perot then addressed a small crowd of Obama supporters to name just one thing that Obama promised he would "change."

"He says he's going to 'change' all these things. What is he going to change? The weather? Oh, right. His magic 'I'm going to fix poverty' thing and the amendment to Family Leave - okay, Obama, whatever you say. Um, but just to ask - where is this money coming from? What funds are corporations going to dip into or what organizations will they implore to pay for your fairy tale plans? What's next? Awarding grants to agricultural developers to conjure up some beanstalk beans so we can all climb to Heaven for a fun family vacation? I beseech you, all of you - name one fucking thing he is going to change!"

The crowd stood silent for several minutes before throwing fast food, bottles and old newspaper trash and shouting terms such as, "Racist!" and "Bigot!" at Perot.

Sylvia Browne realizes dream of growing talons

NEW YORK - Sylvia Browne, renowned psychic and expert on topics that cannot be verified by natural science, realized her "lifelong" dream of growing large, impressive talons to wow a sizeable audience with at her most recent taping of the Montel Williams Show.

A female member of the audience stood up and bravely spoke into a staffed microphone and asked a question on her mortality, as is customary in the show.

Browne, 102, unveiled her lengthy claws to a gasping crowd about thirty-five minutes into the taping. Host Williams, who laughed and slapped his knee as Browne prophesized, "You'll die in about fifteen minutes", said that Browne was "a piece of work."

"It just goes to show, ladies and gentlemen, that no matter how old you get, you can still find humor in life," Williams said to his largely female audience, who laughed politely along with Williams despite the fact that a majority had accidentally urinated in their seats.

"Those are pretty long, girl!" Williams added with exclamation.

Browne then shifted in her seat and replied, "Montel, I've done it all in this life. But there was one thing that even I, as amazing as I am, couldn't do. But today, I've done it- I've attained these talons that I've wanted ever since I was a little girl with an amazing gift."

The proclamation was met with lengthy applause and cheers from the audience.

Browne, whose talons then retracted into her fingertips, continued to answer questions with vague, yet deceptively intriguing, answers on a number of queries which included the names of audience members "spirit guides", angels, and who they were in past lives - something that no one else in the world could ever do before.

"Isn't she amazing?" Williams asked, before breaking for a commercial. "When we come back, we'll meet a woman who says that her answering machine may be a portal to the other side. Stick around and find out."

Dramatic effect achieved with aid of "Star Wars" soundtrack

HARRISBURG - Area man Richard Pelson, a 44-year old Harrisburg native successfully admitted to his wife of nineteen years that he wanted a divorce, with the aid of a mix tape of Star Wars orchestral compositions.

"In the movies, the actors sometimes need the help of symphonized scores to emote the scene. I think Star Wars does a splendid job of doing that - seeing as how the music serves as the only clue in those movies about how you should feel," Pelson said.

Pelson, who pressed play on his Sony CFD-E100 Cassette Stereo to play Darth Vader's Imperial March entrance music when wife Linda entered the couple's living room, figured that she'd "get the point."

"She really hit the wall after menopause last year. I was really wanted to suggest she wear a mask - much like Darth Vader's - to cover up her hideous beard, but then I thought - her fat ass'll never fit into the body suit. Divorce'll be much easier."

Linda Pelson continued to vacuum the floor, ignoring Pelson's subtle criticism. That's when Pelson knew he had to step up his efforts.

"I started to play the track from when Luke and Princess Leia talk about their parents on Endor - you know, in Return of the Jedi. I thought maybe, since it was a family moment, she would pay attention when I said I wanted a divorce - I thought it might soften the blow, because it's such an emotive score."

Linda Pelson, who withdrew from the room quickly, throwing vacuum cleaner bags and dust mops in Pelson's direction, did not immediately "give in" to the "feel of the beautiful musical composition," as suggested by the actors in the Star Wars movies.

"Remember when Lando betrayed Luke and turned them over to Darth Vader in the Empire Strikes Back? I followed her with that music, you know, admitting that I was a jerk for betraying our love - just so she'd feel better. But then, she's such a dumb bitch, I realized she probably never even saw [the Empire Strikes Back]," Pelson said.

Pelson, who admitted resorted to "drastic measures", decided to play the track of a more recent Star Wars film to help Linda relate.

"She may have seen Revenge of the Sith. God, I did not want to even include any part of that movie, but, for God's Sake - I needed to get it through her head somehow," Pelson said, adding that he aptly chose the track for the scene in which Anakin Skywalker strikes his wife before the final battle scene with mentor Obi-Wan.

"I thought she might be able to relate to the whole, you know, domestic problem thing," Pelson said.

"Apparently, not. I mean, Amygdala handled the situation with grace, quietly exiting back into the spacecraft even though she was going into labor. Linda, though? Linda threw my clothes onto the front lawn. A chipmunk made a toilet out of one of my good work shirts."

When asked if he planned to use the Star Wars scores in the upcoming court proceedings, Pelson said that he "might use the Imperial March" one more time "when [Linda] entered" to "get the judge to understand" where he's coming from.

Guy casually sets beer on table full of girls at a bar

EDISON - Some guy just totally came over and set his beer casually on the tabletop of a group of four girls despite not having an invitation to sit or even stand in their location.

The guy, who was not hot, just like, started making conversation even though he was a total stranger and all the girls wanted to get with another guy at a table next to theirs that was totally cute.

"Where are you girls from?" the guy asked, even though not one of them responded and each of them looked the other way, rolling their eyes because he was seriously annoying.

The cute guy at the other table, who probably had a girlfriend because he was making out with this chick, didn't notice that some guy just c-blocked them like that.

Jared Padelecki receives prestigious acting achievement award

LOS ANGELES - Lights are flashing, the red carpet's rolled and the champagne is flowing on one of the most exciting nights in Hollywood.

The biggest winner of the night was by far Jared Padalecki, who took home the coveted "Most Prolific Actor in the Field of Obscure Teenage-Geared Dramas on the CW" Thursday for his countless efforts in over 700 teenage dramas on the CW network that continually fail to catapault him into the spotlight despite how good he looks in that tank top in some show.

Padalecki, who starred in a program about demons or ghosts or some shit, and, most notably, one about some chick that doesn't shut the fuck up, said this upon receiving his award: "I'd like to thank the CW producers for continuing to believe in me throughout the years and casting me in over 700 programs in their catalogue. I'd also like to thank all of those other people who opted to watch my show instead of the insanely popular 'Grey's Anatomy', which falls into the same time slot."

"I consider myself blessed," Padalecki spoke. "Despite having been in so many television programs, I still evade the negative attention the paparazzi and fun sites like perezhilton.com can bring. In fact, I seem to slip through the cracks in everyone's conscience."

"I'm here, just so you know."

Padalecki said he plans to show off his acting achievement award to friends and hopes that perhaps producers from other networks - or even movie studios - might be interested in hiring him for work once his contract expires.

Admitting that he "wasn't quite sure" what the word "prolific" meant, Padalecki still has faith in his ability.

"I'd really like to play Jesus," Padalecki told the Dissociated Press. "I really think I can pull it off. You know, I've played [a long list of similar characters] and I think my award speaks for itself in terms of my acting ability."

Colleague and "Most Prolific Actor" nominee Chad Michael Murray isn't discouraged by his loss to Padalecki.

"Hey, whatever, good for him," Murray told the Dissociated Press at the Tiger Beat after-party.

"I still get way more pussy than him."

Bin Laden to EU: "I need to get laid really bad"

CAIRO, Egypt (DISSOCIATED PRESS) - Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden, who has grown into some obscurity since American Idol returned to the airwaves, resurfaced Wednesday afternoon like his usual douche bag self to offer a message to the European Union.

Armed with an AK-47 rifle and suggestively stroking the barrel as he gazed into the camera, bin Laden vowed that "punishment" would be owed for "sins" against Islam.

Bin Laden, referring to a two-year old incident involving animations of the Muslim prophet Mohammed, said a bunch of gibberish that reflected the Book of Revelations and some other irrelevant religious stuff thatmade it very clear to EU representatives what kind of punishment bin Laden was seeking about three minutes into the vidotaped message.

In a surprising deviation to his usual anti-American and anti-European bullshit, bin Laden said: "I've been a bad boy... and I need a spanking."

EU spokesman Eliot Offin, who interpreted the videotaped message told the Dissociated Press: "It's become quite apparent bin Laden - who cited a two year old incident - has been living under a rock all this time - of all the places we didn't look."

"Going that long without pussy - well, that's enough to make any man crazy."

Relationship expert Dr. Dru examined the videotaped message.

"There are clearly quite a few things he's doing wrong," Dr. Dru said. "Women are attracted to money and power. But that watch and that horrible beard? It screams 'poverty.'"

Dr. Dru added that his lack of technological resources could also inhibit bin Laden's ability to "get laid."

"Videotapes? Seriously? It's 2008. We're in an age of digital media, bin Laden. Next time you want to release a message to the world, please use a higher quality format," Dr. Dru said.

Dr. Dru, who dismissed queries regarding bin Laden's fanatical ideological stance as a hindrance to the opposite sex, cited convicted serial killer Ted Bundy.

"Now [Ted Bundy] was a charmer. But still, Bundy didn't express his sadist desires to the women he dated. No, he hid this part of his character until the very end. I would suggest bin Laden relax and stop all this killing nonsense," Dr. Dru reported.

"After all, women like a sensitive man."

"You got me. I'm the Antichrist," Obama says

WASHINGTON - Democratic Presidential hopeful Senator Barack Obama announced Tuesday that he was, in fact, the prophesized antichrist come to charm followers to fight an apocalyptic war against his heavenly opponents.

Sen. Obama, who has up until now concealed his true identity, finally came clean at a Capitol building press conference to thank his followers for putting their blind trust in him.

"It is because of you," Sen. Obama said, "that has undeservedly catapaulted me this far into the spotlight. Now I can truly control the fate of the world through my evil special interest plans and idealistic, unrealistic economic goals so that you will all have to truly buy and sell under the number [of the beast]."

Sen. Obama promptly lifted his shirt sleeve to reveale the numeral "616" plastered onto his left forearm, inked with human blood.

"When the world opens up, you're all coming into the lake of fire with me, with a one-way ticket on my white horse of death," Sen. Obama added with a wink before popping a the cork off of a $200 bottle of champagne and raising it to the cheering crowd.

"This one's for you and the New World Order - under my command!"

Jesus Christ, Sen. Obama's End of Ages rival, referred to the antichrist's botched attempt to turn an army of angels against God: "I would suggest that instead of running for President, he procure a position to gain some military experience first."

Christ added: "Besides, my father and I are voting for Hillary."

Financial Guru Offers Advice on How You, too, Can Become Rich Like Him for the Low, Low Price of $19.95

TALLAHASSEE - Financial guru Bill Swanson is offering lucky pupils the chance to learn how to make six figures this year so they can be "rich like him" for the "low, low price of only $19.95" - but only for the next ten minutes.

Swanson, who announced his philanthropic offer at 2:37am on channel 87, decided to set his price "for under $20", but only for the next ten minutes.

"You'll receive my book, a 90-minute how-to DVD and this beautiful fountain pen valued at $299 - all for just one low payment $19.95," Swanson said.

Co-host Susan Swimmer, who promoted Swanson's offer on the early morning program, added, "Act now, as this offer won't last."

Ethel Lipowitz, who lost all of her money and declared bankruptcy after entering a Publisher's Clearinghouse sweepstakes, opted to purchase Swanson's product in 2005, saying that "it looked like an honest-to-goodness opportunity that I just couldn't pass up."

"I knew I had to do something to make ends meet," Lipowitz, an 85 year-old Bessemer, Ala. native, declared on Swanson's television program. "I bought Mr. Swanson's package and within a few weeks, I, too, was making over $7,000 a month."

Swanson added: "There you have it, folks. A testament by one of my satisfied customers. Act now."

Justin Timberlake adopts ferret

LOS ANGELES - Grammy winner, actor, producer, director and now ... pet-owner?

The versatility of Justin Timberlake extended into new avenues of human greatness when the former N'Syncer welcomed home a choleric ferret and allowed it to shit on the lower half of his face before a live taping of Madonna's Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction.

Timberlake, who tentatively named his new pet "Scruffy", said his decision to allow the pet to live and subsequently defecate on his chin will "ultimately propel him" into "great new heights" of even more undeserved acclaim - this time from animal rights groups and environmental activists.

"Mr. Timberlake's decision to allow Scruffy to make a home out of his own face is indeed the mark of a new era of altruism," PETA spokesman Ima Nimbisil told the Dissociated Press. "This is truly 'giving' back to the ecology that allows our earth to thrive."

"Perhaps Mr. Timberlake will start a new fashion trend with this statement," Nimbisil added with a wink. "A trend that says animals are beautiful and don't have to be killed to be worn as clothing items."

Timberlake, who closed his introductory speech at Monday night's induction ceremony, expressed: "Some people ask 'Where do I get off?' I was just a singer in a second-rate boy band from the late nineties. But look at all I've accomplished for, really, doing very little. I'm not 'just that guy' that got famous for writing that song about wrecking the shit out of Britney Spears that catapulted into worldwide fame for nothing.'"

After much applause, Timberlake exited the stage as Madonna accepted her accolades from the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Academy, adding that the ferret shit, "covered up the cloud of arrogance surrounding Madonna's overactive sense of self-worth."

Symbol

somebody told me this means something - what does it?

Douche Bag Loser Keeping Score on MLB Preseason games

HOUSTON - Douche bag dipshit loser Jared Fishman, 24, wants you to know that if there's an error this MLB preseason games, it won't go by unnoticed.

The stupid fuck began marking his scorecard this Monday after a barehanded catch by minor league Yankee shortstop who nobody even fucking heard of resulted in an first base safety.

"I can't believe they scored that an error!" that asshole Fishman exclaimed, nearly knocking over a can of Pepsi One as he jumped to his feet watching the game on MLB.tv on his fourteen inch low-resolution PC monitor.

"That was clearly an infield hit," Fishman the pansy-ass faggot reported, relaying that the ground ball driven to the shortstop, who wasn't Derek Jeter, on a high hop was "unstoppable" save for an "awesome" bare right-handed "quick-thinking" reflex catch.

"I could see maybe the officials could score that a throwing error," that fucking pussy Fishman explained to the Dissociated Press - who wanted to fucking strangle him everytime he opened his Dorito-encrusted mouth that he was surely going to wrap around some guy's cock later in the evening - "but it would've been a hit had [the shortstop] not made that incredibly flexible catch."

Fishman, who should totally kill himself and end his pathetic life, announced plans to continue watching the game for any walks, strikeout ratios, and RBIs before he headed to Yahoo! games to up his rating in their free chess tournament.

Yellow pill baffles area man

ONEONTA, Ala. - A single yellow capsuled pill baffled area man Jeff Bridges Monday.

"It was just lying there on my desk, and I thought, 'What is this for? Where did it come from?'"Bridges reported.

Bridges, who denies ever having come in contact with a "pill like it", scoured his memory for a good ten minutes, trying to figure out what use the pill could have.

"At first, I was thinking maybe it was a cold medicine tablet, but those usually come in plastic casing and look red. Then, I thought it might have been one of those diet pills, but the only ones I usually take have clear capsules and are powdered. So, I'm wondering what the fuck it could possibly be."

Bridges wondered if "[Tommy] Shaker left it here" after that "massive, bitching party we threw last week" but "nobody really does drugs like that", but it could've belonged to that "trashy strung-out scank that [John] Bishop brought - you know, the one everybody was laughing at."

A phone call to Bishop negated that theory, so Bridges theorized that it may have been a leftover vitamin from the nutritionaly regimen he put himself on "to get healthy" for a total of two and a half days.

Bridges, who decided to end the debate with the experiment approach, promptly swallowed the yellow pill and collapsed dead on his desk fifteen to twenty seconds later.

Area man "totally owes only $12.65" on $80 dinner bill

NEW YORK - Area man Frank Harmon sticks to his guns.

A Friday night dinner obligation with friends was no different as teh New York native "totally only owed $12.65" on the $87.79 check presented to their table at the end of the meal.

Harmon, who flirted heavily with the barmaid while waiting for a table, did cash out of the tab, and relied on friends and benefits to get most of their beers comped.

Harmon, believing he was "kind enough" to reserve a table that his friends waited for for three hours so they could "sit in this chick's section" because he claimed that they "totally banged and she'll totally hook us up", the full-price bill included all drinks and appetizers -- including refills that Harmon himself ordered over five times -- Harmon himself stuck to his guns and told them that the giving stopped there.

"I only owe $12.65. All I ordered was an appetizer."

Cell Phone Dies, Serial Killer Close Behind

NEW YORK - In an unexpected turn of events on Saturday, local woman Diane Cleary's cell phone ironically died while a criminally insane serial killer followed her.

"Holy shit!" Cleary screamed when realizing that the out-of-issue Nokia 3250 ten-key cell phone she held in her hand was out of "bars" on the black and white display screen.

Despite running at a rate nearly twice that of the serial killer's slow but brisk walk, the knife-wielding serial killer seemed to be "right behind" Cleary nearly every time she looked over her shoulder.

"It really was ironic," the serial killer reported with a chuckle. "I mean, it was about eight, maybe eight thirty when I tracked her down on what should have been a busy city street when she couldn't catch service. That would've really helped her call the authorities on me, but what are you going to do? Se la vie."

Cleary, who realized that her error in "running down an abandoned alleyway" instead of seeking shelter in one of the many storefronts, says that if she "had to do it all over again, I would've went into that Starbuck's. Maybe then I wouldn't have broken my leg while tripping over those wet newspapers in the abandoned alleyway."

T-Mobile, the faulty cell phone provider that could have perhaps saved Cleary a night of terror, released a statement defending their network: "T-Mobile is dedicated to continuous coverage in all network areas. Ms. Cleary's decision to opt for a cheaper, pay-as-you-go Nokia cell phone is her own fault in her fatal stabbing."

Larry Awesomestein!

Where's that vampire article I asked you to write?

Just wondering.


Love,
Christine

Super Tuesday: Bush wins everyone's vote in the world, reports Fox

George W. Bush can breathe a little easier.

Despite not appearing on any ballot ticket in any of the 24 states holding presidential primary elections today, Fox News has exclusively reported that current president George W. Bush is leading in all exit polls, even those not within the United States or on earth.

"This is God's will," Fox News correspondent Karl Rove said. "I know Jesus, God and even the Blessed Virgin all have endorsed Mr. Bush and all of the heavenly plane is following suit, as early exit polls indicate he is the uncontested winner of the 2008 Republican Presidential primary."

Early rumors indicated that the Virgin Mary would get behind the sole female candidate, Sen. Hillary Clinton, but those initial reports "were completely false," Rove said.

President Bush, who has taken liberties with the Constitution in the past, reportedly commented that "he doesn't care" if a president can only serve two consecutive terms, or that he doesn't even appear on the ballot, but "the fact of the matter is terrorists."

As of press time, alleged Bush endorser Jesus could not be reached for comment.

Bayside High under fire for standards reform

BAYSIDE, Calif.- Everything is not "all right" for Bayside High School principal Richard Belding, who came under fire last week by the California State Education Examination (CSEE) board after repeated failure to raise Bayside's education standards under regulations stipulated by the No Child Left Behind Act of 2003.

"These kids spend five, maybe ten, minutes in class at most. And the only class they ever go to is history, taught by Mr. Dewey. While there have been other teachers hired under the authority of [Belding], their attendance to work record is atrocious, showing up only once every few months, at best," Gary D'ellabate, senior administrator of the CSEE, reported at the CSEE board meeting Tuesday.

"It's no wonder that these kids' have a combined reading level of six years old - their standardized test scores are the lowest reported scores in the country," D'ellabate said.

D'ellabate, who also criticizes Belding's lack of discipline in discerning matters of educational importance, catapulted a media maelstrom when citing Belding's personal invovlement in the affairs of students like A.C Slater and Samuel "Screech" Powers.

"Belding chose to blow off a conference in Sacramento to discuss upcoming statewide testing, and instead opted to help his students retaliate against Valley High School in some ridiculous 'prank war' - even going so far to visit Valley principal Louis Strickwell during school hours to exchange jibes and jokes, when he should have been giving a keynote address," D'ellabate reported.

This is not the first time Belding has been criticized by state administrators for his ethics policy. Belding first drew criticism in 1990 for his much-talked about new-issue Ferrari convertible, which he lent to unlicensed students Lisa Turtle and Zachary Morris.

Though Belding admitted the loan was unwitting, he was unable to present the board with receipts for the automobile purchase, which led the city council to come under investigation for ethics violations.

"I was once a high school principal, and the best I could afford was a five year-old Toyota Corolla," D'ellabate said. "Sure, Reaganomics was good to all of us, but a brand new fire-red convertible Ferrari? I'm not buying it."

Among other questionable purchasing options Belding has authorized, the high school principal allowed students to determine budgets of up to $10,000 for after-school athletic programs - and let them setlle their disagreements through a gender war.

"We're not talking an in-class assignment on, say, budgeting with $100. We're talking thousands upon thousands of the taxpayers' dollars, left in the hands of 15- and 16 year-old students to decide what to do with it... with some silly, immature contest," D'ellabate said.

The CSEE and the California State Ethics Committee will conduct their annual joint meeting at the Sacramento State Courthouse this Thursday. Among topics to be discussed include: a hearing on Belding's Bayside tenure, the high rate of teenage pregnancy as it correlates with the arrival of an unnaturally good-looking new student at 21 Jump Street, and finally, teachers who have managed to school Peter Brady, Tabitha Stevens, Blair Warner, and Wally Cleaver despite the fact that all of those students lived in different time zones.

Area alcoholic offers advice, encouragement to high school students

DES MOINES - Quitters never win.

Just ask Jeff Fisher, Des Moines' oldest alcohol dependent resident, who for years has inspired residents and visitors with messages of hope and inspiration from the Fifth Street bus stop.

Now Fisher, 72, is visiting area high schools to encourage students to "never give up."

"You can be ... all that you can be. In the army ... Reserves. And that is something I learned, too, from that commercial, and from my life. If you don't quit, you'll always finish," Fisher told a group of about 500 area high school students at Thursday's Youth Organization Conference at the Hilton Regency on Gardner Ave.

"You get that, Dumbo?" Fisher added, addressing a youth in the crowd, who promptly sank in his chair.

Youth Organization event coordinators applauded Fisher's efforts to personally connect with the individuals in the crowd to "really drive the message home."

"He told Susie McKenzie that she should consider losing some weight or she'd become what [Fisher] and his friends call, 'a heffer', or a 'six-pack stopover,'" Daniel Webster, the Youth Organization's senior program coordinator, reported. "She was so touched that she left the lecture in tears."

Fisher also offered advice to George Johnson, a quadriplegic student, to "ditch the wheelchair" he depends on, or else he'd only "be sleeping with chicks like the teary-eyed broad that just ran out of here."

"We're very proud of Fisher's work. These kids sometimes need a reality check," Webster said. "And if they're not going to get it here - I don't know where else. Fisher is an inspiration."

Fisher concluded his one hour pep talk reminding kids that "quitters are losers. I'm not a quitter - and neither should you be. Then you can be like me. He likes it, Mikey, he likes it."

Fisher then exited the stage in Vaudeville fashion, slipping over a microphone cord and then cursing at God before springing upward and jumping off the stage onto Johnson, who was rushed to the hospital and announced dead on arrival.

What the Fuck?

GREEN BAY, Wi. - The National Football Conference New York Giants totally molested the favorite Green Bay Packers in the NFC Championship Series game on Sunday, leaving everyone in America saying, "What the fuck?"

Longtime Green Bay fan and redneck Dave Harris said, "Giants kicker [Tynes] couldn't make a 36 yard field goal with no wind, but he makes a 47 yarder in overtime? What the fuck just happened?"

Harris, who says he plans on not watching the Superbowl because "he'll be dead by then", was loading up a sawed-off AK-47 at press time.

However, emotions in the -23 degree Green Bay stadium ran in separate direction for Giants fan Joseph Weil.

"I totally knew it. I'm going back to my room [184 at the Holiday Inn on Route 23] to fuck an Asian hooker to celebrate. I'll be thinking about Eli [Manning] the whole time," Weil reported.

Eli Manning, quarterback of the underdog Giants, up until this point, had been unlucky in romantic and professional endeavors. After their heroic win, however, Manning reported that this victory might be the one to get him into some "Jessica Simpson pussy" teritory.

Man really with woman for the vagina

CHICAGO - Mark Harmon has been married to wife Linda for nineteen years. Yet, the 42 year-old advertising executive has a dark and devastating secret.

Despite years of showering Linda with the finest gifts, treating her to expensive meals, and communicating closely with whom he calls "his soul mate", Harmon secretly loathes listening about Linda's day at work, working extra hours to feed his three children, raking the leaves when the Giants game is on, and seeing used tampons in the garbage receptacle.

Finally, after nineteen grueling years of monogamy, Harmon is ready to end his charade.

"I'm really with her to get to her [vagina,]" Harmon admits to the Dissociated Press.

Wife Linda, not privy to her husband's dastardly plot to bury in her unguarded treasure, however feels that they're marriage is "a happy one - why do you ask?"

"He buys me any jewelry, clothes or purse that I want, and we dine out at least once a week without the kids - there's no limit. With Mark, I feel incredibly secure that if we decide to split up or he suddenly dies, me and the kids'll be just fine."

Go Hillary!

The Celery Stalk supports Clinton.

Yeah, we'll come up with a joke later.