Decline in breast screenings concerns experts, perverts

A mammogram isn't the easiest medical exam to endure, sometimes painful and often embarrassing to the woman.

And that's why perverts across the nation deduce to be one potential reason why mammography rates have declined in the U.S., despite how freaking hot it is.

That decrease has also alarmed experts, who believe the X-ray exam is the best way to detect breast cancer early and to get a good look at a juicy tit.

"Mammograms are not perfect tests, but they currently are the most effective test available," said Dr. Ralph Kramden, a breast cancer oncologist at the Indiana University School of Medicine's Cancer Center.

The drop in breast cancer rates coincided with an increase in the free offers to perform mammography tests across the nation in local bars, taverns, strip malls and the popular Howard Stern radio show.

Since 2006, though, the use of mammography exams to determine carcinogenic presence have faltered, and experts wonder if stricter sexual harassment laws have deterred perverts from performing the services for free.

"If we stopped doing mammograms today, we wouldn't see an increase in patrons to my Friday night 'Breast' Dressed contests," "Doctor" Richard Ricardo of Steve's Bar and Grill said.

Discomfort and embarrassment also are believed to play a part, both Kramden and Ricardo said. "Embarassment and physical discomfort is also a really hot factor," Kramden said.

Finally, women might be avoiding the screening, because they just don't want to hear criticism from analsysts.

"They just don't want to hear the news that they have floppy tits, even if it's better to hear it when they can't feel anything," Ricardo said. "But detecting the disease early is in your best interest. You can successfully beat the cancer if it's detected early, versus just hoping to hear that you're still hot."

Jolie says tragedy, coupled with anorexia, caused weight loss

Angelina Jolie says her dramatic weight loss was due in part to the sudden death of her mother, coupled with her long-term refusal to eat anything.

The 32-year-old actress - whose mother Marcheline Bertrand passed away after losing her battle with ovarian cancer in January - claims the emotional turmoil she went through and a desire to "look thin" caused the pounds to fall off.

She said: "I have always been lean and this year I lost my mother and I've gone through a lot."

"The thing that's disturbing is that instead of people saying, 'This looks like a person that's actually dealing with something, probably from emotions.' They say, 'Does she fit into skinny jeans and look thin?'"

"I want people to understand who I am as a person is not just somebody that's trying to look thin, but also trying to work through a very difficult year."

Angelina also revealed her partner Brad Pitt was "extraordinary" when her mother died, and when he discovered that she regurgitated nearly every consumptible within minutes of ingesting it.

She added to Grazia magazine: "He is just a great friend and so supportive. When I told him of my goal weight, and when my mother passed -- he was just so great. He sat with me and held her hand. After she passed away he spend the night asking me and my brother about our mother and got us to tell funny stories about her. He focused on all the love and joy we were fortunate enough to have had, especially when your body is like mine. He was extraordinary."

Celery Stalk writers think they're "pretty fucking funny."

NEW YORK - Rereading the latest posts written by editor Christine Marucci of the Celery Stalk, Marucci has decided that she and her team of writers are "pretty fucking funny."

"I mean, who comes up with that? 'Local philanthropist gives free political discourse with purchase'? Sure, the guys at the Onion probably came up with it like, ten years ago, but still. It's pretty fucking funny," Marucci told herself at the Dissociated Press.

Citing everyday situations as inspiration and then blowing them out of proportion to fit the graveness of most newspaper headlines, Marucci says that her team is "great" - fit to par with just about any team of writers, "even the President's. And that is one bunch that knows how to win people over."

All three fans of the Celery Stalk, who declined to release their names, said the Celery Stalk was their favorite "work time-waster."

"I mean, I'm on it like everyday, trying to figure out what Christine really looks like - you know how she has red line over her eyes? I bet she's got blue eyes. That would be awesome," said "Lenny Awesomeberg", who declined to give his real name.

Marucci, however, refused to answer questions about her alleged psuedocide, her relationship with the Sunday Morning Sentinel's elusive author, and whatever happened to Donald Angelo Mirabello.

"As far as I'm concerned, that guy never existed," was all Marucci said.

Free Invisible Webtracker all marketer needs

ONEONTA, Alabama - Citing a diversified necessity for client "Telecorp, Inc.'s" website, freelance marketing consultant Todd Rundgren announced to the web coordination supervisor yesterday that all he needs to drive Telecorp's sparse internet traffic is a "free invisible web tracker, courtesy of statcounter.com."

Local philanthrophist gives free discourse with purchase

EAST BRUNSWICK, N.J. - The local Borders chain store is anything but ordinary if area man Jeff Cohen has something to say about it.

The 43 year-old East Brunswick native is surprising visitors to the Borders bookstore on Route 18 with a generous holiday gift this season - free political discourse with every purchase.

"[Cohen] hangs out at the counter, and kind of talks about how Johnny Cash and his cronies were corrupted, collusive, even," 18 year-old cashier Jonathan Mulberry told the Dissociated Press.

Mulberry reported that among the kind advice that Cohen gives, he even offers counsel and aid to the elderly and sick.

"He told this eighty year-old lady who was in here buying a Ladies' HOme Journal or something that he had receptors in his ears so he could read her thoughts, and that only a select few of us know about the government's control on us," Mulberry said, adding that the gentlemanly Cohen even offered the women advice on how to stop it: "He told her that she could stop them, using willpower in her mind, and that her magazine was brainwashing her."

According to Mulberry, the "giving" doesn't end there, and reported that Cohen even donned a Santa Claus costume one December afternoon, chanting "Ho ho ho!" and emphasizing the friendly Christmas cheer to nearly every female customer that entered the franchise.

"He seems to like to spread his message to women, especially," Mulberry said, and reported claims of Cohen reminding female customers to receive regular mammograms to lessen fears that cancerous "and cantankerous" growths could be forming in their "pectoralis Major".

Cohen doesn't forget children and teenagers, according to Bonnie Smith, resident and mother of two. Smith was shopping in the Borders when an encounter with "Cohen" made her children's afternoon "one they would never forget."

"He basically told my five year-old son that Santa Claus wasn't real and that Jesus died a slow and painful death on the cross for his sins. [Cohen] also told him that if he didn't remember Jesus this Christmas, the devil had already gotten to him and when he died, he'd spend an eternity raked across the 'infernal coals of hellfire,'" Smith said.

Still some don't appreciate Cohen's season offerings, and those - like Borders manager John Titor - have even threatened to summon police on several occassions.

"I've had to kick that guy out several times, but he keeps coming back. On the few occassions that he makes a purchase, it's usually to buy a People magazine with a personal check - and he doesn't fail to tell us that he plans to 'cum all over Paris Hilton's smug sense of satisfaction' to 'wipe out the fecal matter of her soul,'" Titor reported.

"This is a family store. We don't need this here."

When asked if he had other avenues to spread his holiday cheer, Cohen reported that he planned on visiting a desk clerk who labored at a local motel, followed by phoning police about a neighbor's car parked in front of his house to spy on him, and finally, would reconcile a scheduled visit to his local bar and grill to harass regular patrons with stories about his best friend John Lennon and their civic duties.

Music Lovers Wonder What Linkin Park Singer Has Done

Lyrical speculation leaves listeners mystified, confused

NEW YORK - After a nearly five-year hiatus, rock/rap hybrid outfit Linkin Park exploded back onto the rock scene in early 2007 with their sophomore comeback album, "Minutes to Midnight", which features the Top 40 single, "What I've Done."

The lyrics of "What I've Done" have done nothing short of perplexing and confusing music lovers across the nation, leaving thousands of listeners speculating just what it is that lead singer Chester Bennington "has done" that he can't "face himself" over.

"He says he can't face himself," Nassau County resident and Linkin Park fan, Jimmy Carter, 23, said. "I remember when they were new when I was in high school, [Linkin Park] lyrics really 'hit a chord', if you will, to my feelings - like when he sings 'I want to run away and never say good-bye.' But now, I just don't get it. What has he done? Become really famous and make millions of dollars off hit singles that many enjoy?"

The lyrics in question leave little clues to exactly what the singer is referring to. Musicologist and poet laureate Emilio Estevez lends his theory to the perplexed nation.

"Clearly, when [Bennington] sings, 'I can't face myself for what I've done', he may ultimately be confessing to a murderous crime of passion not unlike Neil Young's admission in 'Down by the River,'" Estevez said. "While it is uncommon in this generation of MTV pop to sing of anything but feelings of rage, anger and resentment, I applaud Mr. Bennington's 'noteworthy' nod to past musical influences."

Still, some listeners, like Youtube user 666sh1t4brains1369xxxoXo, dissent from Estevez' theory.

"The real lyrics are 'Erase myself for what I've done,' not 'face myself.' Get it right. That means, like, suicide," 666sh1t4brains1369xxx0X0 said. "Stupid old people. What, is suicide too real for them or something? It's out there. It's 2007, dumb-ass. Like, wake up."

As of press time, Bennington was playing polo at an exlcusive Hamptons country club with Howard Stern and his fiance, model Beth Ostroski, and could not be reached for comment.

Girlfriend's vegan kick "totally annoying," says area boyfriend

TINTON FALLS, New Jersey - Up until last week, Saundra Billings was a typical blue-blooded American who enjoyed watching Oprah, performing fellatio, and, of course, eating red meat.

Suddenly, that changed.

According to Billings' boyfriend, Tad Deucsh, Billings departure from "the norm" came last Thursday, when Billings suddenly announced that she no longer would ingest meat or meat products.

"She said she was some kind of vegan," Deucsh said. "Normally, I would find it sort of cute, but when we stopped off at Chili's for our weekly Sunday supper, suddenly she was like, too good to eat there or something."

Citing a diet solely comprised of only "organic" supplements, Billings refused to dine on the salads and other meat-less dishes at the popular eatery unless given notification that the menu item were "certified organic."

"I told her, 'Babe, this isn't McDonald's. You can't just have it your way. We're in a kind-of classy place here," Deusch said.

Billings then "stormed out" of the establishment, "totally embarrassing" Deusch in front of the fifteen-person Chili's wait staff.

"It was totally annoying. Like, the other day she wanted me to throw out my leather jacket, because it was made of 'cow.' I was like, so? I got this at Wilson's, Saundra. I'm not throwing out a high-quality jacket because some stupid no-meat kick you're on," Deusch reported.

Deusch said that a solution to "no-meat" clause must come to an end soon, or else.

"The other night, I was trying to be all romantic, so I told her I wanted her to chow on my sausage. She totally said no," Deusch reported.

As of press time, Billings was attending a PETA protest and was not available for comment. Sources close to Billings report that while she calls herself a strict vegetarian, Deusch does not know that she is "actually a big fan of fish tacos."

Quick Look: "Press and Seal" envelopes "huge disappointment" to area bill-payer

NEW YORK - Despite online banking programs, email, and even the facsimili machine, local man Peter Fisher enjoyed his monthly trips to the United States Post Office until last week.

Fisher, 39, was disappointed to learn that his local Staples replaced his Mead brand envelopes - the envelopes he had used for over twenty years - with the "Press-it, Seal-it" self-adhesive envelopes that boast "no licking required."

"Call me weird, but I really enjoyed licking the envelope before I sent a bill away. It was like giving the recipient a little piece of me when it was impossible for me to be present," Fisher said.

The new self-adhesive envelopes, which seal instantly and require the sender to simply peel off a tape covering the glue and seal the envelope shut by folding the flap, really "take the joy out of the bill-paying process," according to Fisher.

"I guess I could bank online from now on," Fisher said, "but then I can't see my postman Bill at the office every week when I go to buy stamps. He's such a nice guy. I'm sure he'd miss me."

Website lends support, reaffirmation for area hypochondriacs

CONNECTICUT - A website featuring listed ailments alongside their symptoms has now serviced over one million hypochondriacs, reaffirming their suspicions and supporting their fears.

Wedmd.com, a medical database of journal texts and lists upon lists of diseases, syndromes, and illnesses, has confirmed that their user base of Midwestern housewives, rural farmers, and scrupulous OCD sufferers has just reached one million.

"WebMD is proud to announce their one millionth visitor," the website announced in a press release Monday. "Our goal is to provide accurate, eye-opening information to the masses, and we strive to triple the number of visitors that we reach by this time next year."

Self-diagnosed AIDS patient Marty Connick, 43, of New Haven says that "WebMD has really assuaged my fears" by "explaining the symptoms exactly as I've been experiencing them"

It was when Connick read WebMD's description of symptoms associated with the oft-fatal Acquired Immuno-Deficiency Syndrome (AIDS) that it started to really started to sink in.

"I've had headaches and sore throats, just like the website says," Connick reported. "Occasionally, I will experience numbness and wake up with night sweats."

Connick, despite not seeking treatment from his primary care practitioner, says that he is determined to keep his AIDS from "getting him."

"By educating others who may notice similar symptoms, I urge them to consult their WebMD as well to ensure that this fatal disease will not take their lives, as I won't let it take mine," Connick, who also suffers from lymphoma, autism, and Legionnaire's Disease, said to the cashier at the Broad Street Starbucks.

Everyone thinks man at 132 Cardinal Drive is gay

RHEADNEK, Wi. - Despite the local job depression, a floundering municipal economy, and the end of Happy Hour at Steve's Bar and Grill, everyone on Cardinal Street is concerned that they "might have a gay" in their midst.

"I tell you, that Steve [McDonald] is one of them queers," local trucker and the "definitely not gay" Bill Richards said in an interview with the Dissociated Press. "Look at his lawn. There's one of them ornaments on it... and he doesn't even have no woman [sic] living there!"

Richards, who is married to his wife of 32 years, says that he owes his rotund figure and years of "living the right life" to settling down with a woman, "not a man."

"It ain't right," Richards claims.

Richards wife, Carol, a doll factory laborer, backed up her husband's claims - even going so far as to say as she tried to seduce him once, just to see if the rumors were true.

"I tell you, he did not act the least bit interested," Mrs. Richards said, serving herself a heaping pile of dinner sausage.

"What man wouldn't want a woman in his life to cook and clean and service his special needs?" Mrs. Richards added with a wink as Richards gave his wife's gelatinous ass a squeeze.

Neighbor Pat Thomas says that while McDonald is "such a nice young man", helping out the elderly and even helping her rake her yard last fall, there is "something not quite right with him."

"He ought to meet a nice girl and settle down - he must be at least 32 now. You know, he makes a nice living as a hairdresser, dresses sharply, and always minds his manners," Thomas reported.

When asked if she believed McDonald was homosexual, Thomas replied, "A gay? No, don't be silly. Why, the gays only exist in movies and Satanic congregations."

Still, neighbor and sometimes roommate Bobby Billings disagrees with the rumors.

"[McDonald] is the man. He is ... a sexual god," Billings said, denying to elaborate, except to say that he "truly admired" McDonald.

McDonald, who was rumored to be traveling "on business", was last seen "fucking the living piss" out of two cocktail waitresses and an Asian hooker and was not available for comment.

Dr. Faustus opts out of contract with devil

HELL - It's been a tumultuous eternity in hell for Dr. Johann Faustus. But in the wake of the daily grind of damnation, Dr. Faustus has decided to opt out of his contract, following the advice of attorney Johnny Cochran.

Cochran broke the news to the devil Sunday night, saying the decision not to follow through on the remainder of his contract was because Faustus was uncertain about the levity of his deal, as his quest for the "zenith of human happiness" could be better met through other resources.

Jesus reportedly offered the erstwhile doctor a "pretty resounding offer" to serve as a prophet in his absence for the upcoming apocalypse. The former dirty dealer, who is valued as an intellect and leader, is expected to make an announcement Tuesday.

Cochran didn't even meet with Satan, and instead left him a message on his voice mail.

Upon hearing the news, Satan took a page out of former master God's book when he spoke to the Dissociated Press.

"It's clear he didn't want to be damned. He doesn't understand the privilege of making a lucrative deal with me.... on terms where I'm willing to pay my end of the bargain with riches, fame and the like, I expect the same on his end. I don't want anybody in hell that didn't deserve to be here. But I'm not gonna back down. Jesus is not going to be able to pay him what I can, and if he thinks there's greener pastures elsewhere, then it's goodbye."

But while hell is ready to move on, some demons this morning are having a hard time.

"This is bullshit," Asmodeus, Satan's executive assistant for four consecutive millenia, said. "A deal's a deal. We give you what you want, you give us your soul. I never heard of anything so ridiculous. The contract is binding, and, as I told Lucifer, we should take out the opt-out clause in all future dealings."

So what does this all mean? Faustus is now a free soul. Let the bidding war begin.

Local liver claims it "has had enough" of unhealthy relationship

Citing extreme abuse and neglect, despite his never-ending devotion to his life partner, the liver of local man Jim Garbo has "completely checked out", claiming it "has had enough of this horrible relationship."

Garbo's liver said the events of this past weekend were the final straw, and made it's decision "so much easier."

"I have finally seen the light, after he downed that 19th pint, I knew i had to get out of there. I can only filter so much blood at a time, but he doesn't care about that, it's always about him."

The liver says that, while the physical abuse was bad, the emotional trauma was so much worse.

"The bruising and swelling were bad," the liver said, "especially trying to make excuses to my friends. They probably think I'm some kind of super klutz, cause I don't know how many times I told them I 'fell down the stairs'. As bad as that was, though, nothing hurt more then the way I was taken for granted. I've done so much for him, like keeping hime alive, and not once was I ever thanked. I would've settled for a 'good job' once in a while, but I never even got that."

The spleen, a neighbor and close friend of the liver, has said the relationship went on longer than it ever should have.

"All those nights of yelling and fighting, just terrible. I've tried to tell liver many times to leave, but, well, I guess sometimes your emotions blind the reality of some situations."

It was learned that Garbo tried to reconcile, which the liver calls a "move of desperation."

"He know without me, he can't drink, that's all he cares about, not me. Well, as the song goes 'You don't know what you got till it's gone,' and I am definitly gone."

Garbo could not be reached for comment.

In Brief: "I want another baby," Halle Berry says

NEW YORK - In a shocking announcement setting the entertainment realm abuzz, actress Halle Berry lamented to Oprah Tuesday that she "wants another baby."

"I'm really sick of this one," the pregnant thespian said, patting her distended abdomen. "I just really, really want another one."

The "Mets suck", according to everyone

NEW YORK - In a final blow to that mutant breed of Mets fans, the catastrophic collapse of Tom Glavine yesterday gave the Mets a plane ticket home instead of the postseason, giving everyone in the world a free pass to say how much they fucking suck.

"You know what? Now's a better time than ever to jump ship to a good team like the Yankees," said Barbara Billings, a 43 year-old accountant from Staten Island. "But then again, Mets fans get off on losing and just come out of the woodwork whenever their team does well - so I guess it's just better to keep them underground where they'll breed their insidious species for next year."

While Mets fans across the board are "saddened" and "sickened" by this unexpected flop, everyone else couldn't be happier.

"I'm so glad I won't have to deal with those motherfuckers at the bar this postseason," avid Yankee fan and frequent drinker Thomas Jefferson said. "I'm so sick and tired of looking at their stupid faces with their stupid hats and listening to their stupid comments about their stupid, sucky team. What do they have against the Yankees? That they actually win?"

While Mets fans argue that the Queens-based franchise doesn't have the payroll or the ability to draft all-stars like their crosstown rivals, the New York-based Citibank's CEO, Jeff Curro, believes differently.

"Well, we did pretty much hand them $4.3 billion," Curro said. "If that's not a lot of money, I don't know what is."

Cuba "totally not inviting" Bush to Halloween party

HAVANA - In the latest setback in U.S. - Cuba relations, the dictator-led Communist nation has annouced that they are "totally not inviting President Bush" to their uber-exclusive Halloween party at the end of next month.

The exclusion comes just hours after Bush's snarky comments at a U.N. pow-wow that denounced the election-less regime's undemocratic approach to rule.

"As far as I'm concerned, it's really the pot calling the kettle black," Cuban foreign minister Felipe Pérez Roque said in a privately held press conference in the back of his limousine while stuck in traffic on 43rd. "I mean, this is the man who denigrated our executive system for lack of fair elections? I don't think there anything more ironic on this earth."

President Bush was not pleased by the blacklisting from the "most bitching party of the year", and only had this to say through White House Press secretary, Tony Snow:

"So what? I'll throw my own party. And it won't be all communist and evil like his. It's going to be so much funner, with so much better beer than him (Cuba) - and my party will have the best thing of all: freedom of speech."

The Dissociated Press learned that despite Bush's exclusion, Vice President Dick Cheney and Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice still plan to attend the uber-exclusive affair dressed as an S&M couple. As of press time, Cheney was being fitted with a ball gag, unavailable for comment.

"I'm totally mad [Cheney's] going. His loss. Anybody who's anybody is going to be at mine," Bush said, citing a guest list that included wife Laura, his parents, and two Secret Service agents, Ted and Bob.

"[Ted] and [Bob] are a total blast. Cheney's totally going to be jealous when he hears about our scavenger hunt and the scary stories we're going to tell...no, not the one about Condi wearing a G-string!" Bush joked.

"I have an awesome [story] about a cemetary," Bush said. "No, you won't want to miss this party - you guys want to come?"

Yankees fan criticizes Yankees for same error

ISLIP, N.Y. - Yankees fan and Islip Best Buy Company Softball team shortstop Alex Hamilton denigrated Derek Jeter in a three-minute tirade in front of his television Saturday for failing to turn a double play.

"What the fuck! Getting three thousand dollars a second to trip over your own feet? You son of a bitch! God, give me that money! I sure as hell could do it better than you...son of a bitch."

The failed play against the Boston Red Sox in the sixth inning of the AL East showdown bears a striking resemblence to a play in last week's matchup against the Chichi's Cheetahs in which Hamilton failed to turn a double play on a standard ground ball to his second baseman, Billy Carter.

Despite the fact that Hamilton has actually never turned a double play in his entire career with the Best Buy Softball Team, he has his reasons.

"The wind wasn't really working for me," Hamilton said of the weather conditions on that cloudless, eighty-five degree Monday evening.

Hamilton also alleged that if first baseman John Haggerty could "actually catch a fucking ball", then the play would have been executed perfectly on Hamilton's high and grossly inaccurate throw to first base.

"It was just - I mean, come on. It wasn't my fault."

Jessica Hart, a Best Buy cashier and second baseman on Hamilton's softball team, had other words for Hamilton's slip-up.

"The guy is constantly comparing himself to Derek Jeter, calling him a wannabe and claiming that he was scouted in high school. I'm not saying he wasn't, but if you can't get a hit in slow-pitch softball, it does make it awfully hard to believe."


What are YOUR thoughts? Leave comments by clicking on the link below and we'll send you $500 from our Swiss bank account!

Nation can't wait for another season of '24'

NEW YORK - The critically acclaimed Fox network mega-hit, '24', has become so popular nationwide that Americans simply "can't wait" for season 17 to begin.

"I've never been so excited as I am for the next season of '24,'" said Goldman-Sachs broker and '24' fan, Jim Hatchett. "With its realistic timeline of events and accurate portrayals of defense operations, it sucks me right into the storyline."

"I always tell my secretary to 'hold my calls,' during '24' season," Hatchet said with a laugh.

Vanessa Hudgens, a '24' fan of Ithaca, N.Y., says that each season opens up with a "credible threat."

"Nowadays, anything can happen," Hudgens said, citing examples of daytime atomic bomb detonation in the Valley, militarist invasion by terrorist regimes into Los Angeles suburbs, and the meltdown of every chemical plant in the country without anyone at any of the facilities noticing or reporting any type of security breach.

"The way they really get the ball moving is excellent, too," Hudgens said, describing the satirical CIA's ability to ignore laws, shuffle staffers in critical times of necessity, fail to perform background checks on shady new employees and let uninsured, laid-off agents complete field operations - all to solve international crises in 24 hours or less. "The ticking clock on the show really helps to develop the plot and exemplify the characters' amazing skill and ability as secret agents. I mean, the fact that they can drive from CTU headquarters to LAX in under four minutes is incredible, to say the least."

Still, there are some dissenters to the show's portrayal of national defense agencies. Meredith Bates, a Birmingham, Ala. resident and occassional '24' viewer had a different opinion on the defense operations staff at CTU.

"What I can't believe is that the intelligence agency on the show still staffs the same people. I mean, if I were working at, say, the CIA and I let dozens upon dozens of catastrophic events happen on my watch, I would probably be fired by now, don't you think?"






What are YOUR thoughts? Leave comments by clicking on the link below and we'll send you $500 from our Swiss bank account!

Apparently, Timberlake not talking to Spears is a big news item

THE UNITED STATES - In the wake of 9/11 and the failed Iraq imposition, the economic recession and the Federal rate cut, the subprime mortgage lending crisis, the rampant xenophobia, the Puritan media movement, the federal tax hike, illegal wire-tapping, the Israeli and Iranian conflict, terrorist threats on mass transit infrastructures, the overhaul of illegal immigrants, gay marriage debates, the upcoming presidential primaries and environmenal protection funding cuts, the fact that Justin Timberlake has not talked to Britney Spears in a few years is making top headlines.

Timberlake, the erstwhile boyfriend of the celebrated late nineties couplet, announced on Oprah Winfrey's boring, terrible, vapid and inane talk show this week that he "has not talked to Britney" in a few years

The announcement appeared in Internet articles and newspapers across the country, blaring headlines that shocked a nation into a frozen state of disbelief and sadness.

"Frankly, there are no words to express my utter sorrow at this news. It broke my heart," said Sam-Al Jaquiri, an Iraqi emigre who sought safety in the United States following the death of his entire family to a car bombing. "


Garden City resident Mary Jo Antler feelssimilar sentiments. The 43 year-old mother
of four, who recently underwent an incredibly painful masectomy instead of being cured of cancer because the United States federal government doesn't want to fund stem cell research, said that "nothing has made me feel more alone."

"I can't believe that, after all that time spent together, they don't even remain friends. It's just sad - when two people love each other that much, and they don't even talk anymore," Antler said.

War veteran Jamie Mulligan, 22, who recently returned to the United States with extensive brain damage to the prefrontal cortex that controls speech, motor capabilities and planning and critical decision-making skills said through an aided communication device: "Just a shame. A terrible shame."

LEAVE COMMENTS BY CLICKING ON THE LINK BELOW! We'll send you $500 through our Swiss bank account

Area man disappointed to hear daughter is a "bad lay."

HARRISBURG - Area father Benjamin Franklin was "disappointed" to overhear a conversation between three teenage boys about their sexual exploits with his 16 year-old daughter.

"Basically, I don't think I could look her in the eye," Franklin said. "According to the boys, she won't even get on top or move."

Franklin said that his daughter's "adventure-less" sexual behavior described by the boys lies in stark contrast to that of her mother, Tiffany Franklin.

"When [Tiffany] was 16, she was a beast in bed," Franklin said, describing in full detail of past trysts that included donkey-punching, New Jersey Meathooks, and chicken cutlets. "I mean, come on."

The roundtable discussion between the boys began at Tony's Pizzeria and continued to the 7-11 next door, according to Franklin.

"It was non-stop. From how (daughter) Samantha doesn't take her shirt off or properly lubricate to her complete lack of interest in sex. As a father, I was disgusted,needless to say," Franklin said. "I don't know if I should have a talk with her or not, but her sexual behavior, or lack thereof, is really shocking."

While Franklin doesn't have any immediate plans to encourage his daughter to behave more laviciously, he does hope that the future will look brighter for men who engage in sexual acts with his daughter.

"Practice makes perfect, I guess. She's young, after all. Maybe she just needs to put out a little more."

Band complies with request of fan in seat 134, row T

HOLMDEL, N.J. - One hour into their sold-out, 90-minute set at the Garden State Arts Center Friday, the band members of Incubus complied with the fan in seat 134, row T's request to play their 1999 hit, "Stellar."

Ron Howard of Princeton shouted the title of his song request for "nearly an hour", according to concert-goers, before the band broke into the song.

"As soon as I heard the first chord [of 'Stellar'], I knew they were playing it for me," Howard said, describing how he stood on his seat among the 10,000-plus crowd to communicate with band members.

"To be honest, we weren't planning on playing the song," Incubus frontman Brandon Boyd said. "But we just couldn't ignore the obvious from the fan in seat 134, row T. So we decided to play ['Stellar'] for him."

"Everyone in attendance should thank me. Without me, the band might not have played that song, and it just wouldn't be as, well, 'stellar' a show without it," Howard said with a wink at his clever pun.

Other fans trying to enjoy the concert were not pleased with Howard's persistence, however.

"I was trying to enjoy the show, and this asshole behind me kept yelling, 'Stellar! Do Stellar!' like a fucking moron," concert-goer Carissa Hart said. "Who even likes that song anymore? I bought these forty dollar tickets so I could see if Brandon [Boyd] was still hot, not to hear that guy yell."

Serial killer strikes again, area women insulted

LOUISVILLE, Ky. - A horrific discovery Monday of another victim of an at-large serial murderer who seems to target young attractive females has left area women feeling "insulted."

"Why hasn't he picked me?" Kelly Brown, 43 and mother of five, said. "I may not be 21, but I still look damn good."

The serial killer, known as the "Baseball Bludgeoner", seems to target attractive, young females, and the Louisville police have issued a citywide warning to women to stay indoors after dark. The warning has little effect on local women, who feel nothing but "resentment" and "anger" towards the threat.

Henrietta Smith, a 59-year old Louisville resident, says that she believes her dark hair has kept her "out of the [serial killer's] plan."

"He probably likes blondes or redheads," Smith said. "Well, you can tell him that it's his loss. If he doesn't like me the way I am, well, he can just go screw off - I'm not changing for any man."

From the Editor: The Celery Stalk is Growing!

Dear Celery Stalk Community:

Every once in awhile, something good happens in our lives. Today is no exception, and, as the editor of this esteemed collective of writers, I'd like to welcome Meredith Bates, acting reporter and contributor to the Celery Stalk.

She's totally hot and sexy and fun.

So, look out for her new entry later on today, after I post.

Thanks for reading, kids.


Sincerely,

Christine Marucci
Editor-in-chief
The Celery Stalk

Britney Spears comeback a success, says mom

LAS VEGAS - Britney Spears "comeback" performance Sunday night at the annual MTV Video Music Awards was a "complete success", her mother reported.

Lynne Spears, erstwhile manager and genetic donor to the fallen pop star, has deemed her daughter's latest set "spectacular"

The elder Spears, who reportedly conferred with her father and great-aunt June Billings over a three-minute telephone conversation from her Nokia cell phone, feels that the comeback performance is only "the beginning" of a "new budding chapter in Britney's stellar career."

"It was great - did you see Britney on TV?" Spears asked Billings during the post-performance release. "She was great, wasn't she? I'm so glad to see her back doing what she loves."

The Celery Stalk has learned that Billings responded that she "did see Britney" and she "did a nice job" after an approximate five-second pause.

Lynne Spears ended the conversation shortly after, citing a celebratory trip to Applebee's following Spears set.

While Spears' mother is certain that the MTV VMAs will skyrocket her faltering career, the blogosphere and SMS lines were flooded with messages relaying that her appearance was "an embarassment to the Britney Spears brand, and likely an indicator that she will never, ever regain her status as a pop icon following that terrible, terrible performance."

Opium is awesome, study finds

BILOXI, Miss. – A new study released on Monday found that opium should be scheduled into a different class of illicit narcotics.

The six-week study, conducted by a panel of independent researchers, has substantiated the centuries-old speculation that the poppy-derived narcotic is “awesome.”

“Before this study, we had no certainty about how opium affected the user… Now we know for certain that opium should not be categorized with the Class 'Cool' or 'Great' drugs, when it is, in fact, really 'awesome',’” said Dr. Sidney J. Vicious of the International Center for Medicinal Research in a peer review of the study.

The researchers - a small, self-funded operation in the basement of Craig Tinker’s mom’s house in Biloxi – concluded their study after a weekend-long experience with opium.

Tinker, who headed the experiment, said the impromptu experiment began when colleague Robert “Pussy-lips” Fisher and then-girlfriend Angel Harris arrived at Tinker’s mother’s residence with the opium.

“We basically started popping the pills, and felt really awesome [as a direct result of ingesting the pills],” Tinker said in an interview with the Dissociated Press.

Tinker reported that they knew they “were on to something” when control subject Brett Thayer, who did not consume the opiates, didn’t feel as “awesome.”

“He was basically being a buzzkill,” Tinker said. “It was then that it clicked – opium is awesome.”

Tinker and the group submitted the findings of their study to Vicious – a friend and former co-worker at the Route 9 McDonald’s – and immediately began receiving renowned accolades from the medical community.

“These young men and women deserve the highest regard and recognition for these bold and courageous efforts to elevate mankind’s understanding and advance scientific discovery,” Vicious said.

While Vicious hinted at the team’s nomination for a Nobel Peace Prize, Tinker said the awards ceremony would have to wait until after the funeral of colleague Harris, who died during the experimental phase of the study.

New Jersey invaded, shore in ruins

POINT PLEASANT, NJ - The state of New Jersey was left in ruins Saturday, following an unexpected invasion of douche bags in several hundred souped-up Honda Civics from a bordering island.

The attack commenced at the conjunction of Route 287 and Route 440 and continued through to the Garden State Parkway southbound. The Garden State Highway Authority did report "heavy volume traffic" followed by "road-rumbling hip-hop" music from "exorbitantly inappropriate and annoying subwoofers" and a "succession" of "improper passsing and lane-changing."

"We don't know who they think they are, but they have caused delays, confusion and all-around disruption to New Jersey drivers, and has spiraled into snarling roadways in the entire tri-state area" a spokesman for the GSHA said in a Sunday morning press conference.

While the GSHA did not report injuries on highways, not everyone remained unharmed during the invasion when the breed of douche bags landed in their destination - the Point Pleasant, N.J. Boardwalk.

The U.S. Coast Guard received an anonymous alert around 9:37 p.m. Saturday night of the impending invasion. Seeking to disseminate emergency hazard responders quickly, Cpt. James Hollander contacted the State Police to dispatch all units to the scene.

"By the time we reached the scene, it was, sadly, too late," State Police Chief Robert Billings said.

Eyewitnesses and Jersey shore natives alike were forced to "deal with it," Billings told the Dissociated Press.

"It was ridiculous.", says Tommy Franks, bartender at the popular "Jenks" nightclub, "Everywhere i looked, it was nothing but pink polo shirts and pumping fists. Are they trying to punch the air or something? What did it do to them?"

Sir Walter Davenport, empirical sociologist at Oxford University, and the world's leading historian on douchebagery, claims it was only a matter of time.

"The Isle of Staten is the largest breeding ground for the douchebag variety, the odds were very good that they would eventually decide to leave the decrepit island on the same night, to the same clubs, in search of a better environment. Not planned, mind you. they just seem to go where other Douche Bags are. Kind of a herd mentality, safety in numbers," Davenport said in a briefing to the NJ State Police and United States Coast Guard.

Davenport explained that the douche bags may try to assimilate "futilely" and may try to use their qualities to attract local women. Fortunately, Davenport says, most New Jersey girls are impassive to the Douche Bag.

"The Douche Bags can be easily identified by a highly-inflated sense of self-worth, along with extreme dimwittedness," Davenport reported.

The Douche Bags, Davenport said, are also "unable to grasp the concept of buying shirts that fit." In addition, the inability to wear their shirt collar in the proper "down" position is further evidence of a Douche Bag.

The Douche Bags - also characterized by extensive tanning bed skin damage and a distinctive odor of Brut - have "limited, if any, communication skills" and have yet to explain the remissions they seek from New Jersey following the invasion.

"They seem to want a lot of Red Bull and vodkas, but, at this time, we do not have an official list of demands," Billings said.

Billings also reported that the enemy does have a rumored weakness.

"We do not have an official finding, but early study results are indicating that it has something to do with musical group called the Benjamins."

Still, New Jersey is reeling from an invasion Red Bank native Joe Blastino calls "senseless" and "horrific."

Blastino, out for some celebratory birthday drinks at Jenkinson's at the time of the invasion, also cites "fun" as a casualty of the invasion.

"Frankly, it was complete bullshit," Blastino said, "I was trying to enjoy the shore weather, having a few beers, and if they weren't unapologetically grinding against you, every ten minutes one of those douche bags would 'warn' me about looking at his ugly, classless girlfriends."

United States Environmental Protection Agency Air Quality Unit was contacted following the invasion. The USEPA has announced that, in addition to the debris of Budweiser cans, aviator glasses and hair extensions that devastated the area, the amount of arrogance in the air on Saturday was the highest concentration ever seen in the country.

Fidel Castro dies, no one cares

MIAMI - Americans around the United States "couldn't care less" about the much-anticipated death of Cuba's Communinist dictator.

"I'm three months behind rent," said Chicago resident James Hartford in an interview with the Dissociated Press from his tenement apartment building. "I don't really see how that news affects me."

Hartford's sentiments echo that of Mary Brown, an Atlanta native who declined to discuss the issue.

"Frankly, I don't even know who that is," Brown said.

The news of Castro's heavily rumored demise came Friday afternoon, after much deliberation and the ironically miscalculated reaction of Americans by the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

"We understand that people will storm the streets and pillage the towns in celebration of this news," FBI Director Nate Michaels said. "We will wait until after Friday afternoon rush hour traffic diminishes before we make any official announcement."

Michaels said that the FBI is working with local police departments to "beef up security" around sensitive perimeters and municipal structures to deter the anticipated "free-for-all" expected after the official announcement.


"I understand this is an exciting day," Michaels said, "but our country will work through this - hopefully, in an orderly fashion."

Alcohol ban "total bullshit," reports local teen

HOLMDEL, N.J. - A recent alcohol ban at New Jersey's premium concert arena is "total bullshit," according to area teen Jonathan Smith.

Smith, who planned to go to Friday night's Velvet Revolver concert at PNC Bank Arts Center and "get totally fucking wasted", was stunned and saddened that the deaths of two minors yesterday resulted in the concert hall's sudden parking lot ban on alcohol.

"I'm not 21 yet, so drinking inside is out of the question, unless Tommy [Nikon] can get me a fake by 5:30," Smith said.

Smith says that he is not expecting Nikon to follow through on the proposal, but has other plans to spend the night.

"I'm thinking about selling my ticket. I mean, I don't want to go if I can't drink," Smith said.

Smith also said that people "pretty much" go to shows to "get hammered" and without that element, the night is "pretty much a total waste."

While most people understand that there is really no plan in place by authorities to curb the practice of parking lot imbibing, Smith says that he is "hoping and praying" that the ban will be overturned.

"I'm pretty sure this will blow over. I mean, it was two stupid ass goth kids. Who cares?"

He also says that "drinking is good for musicians' careers", because the perception of the experience "changes when you drink."

"Last week I went to see Incubus there, and they would've totally fucking sucked if I wasn't drunk," Smith said. "They didn't even do 'Pardon Me'. I mean, come on."

New Jersey's Tourism Advertising Campaign "going well", says local deli owner

SEA BRIGHT, N.J. - Local deli owner Mario Caccianato "couldn't be happier" with the results of a recent New Jersey advertising campaign to drive tourism to the state's shorelines that border an otherwise debatable geography.

"Businses is good, you know?" Cacchianato said in an interview with the Dissociated Press. "More kids come in now, it's summer time, they buy more cigarettes and booze and go suntan on the beach."

The advertising campaign, launched by the petroleum capitol's tourism department last March, outlines all the fun events and activities vacation-seekers can find in New Jersey. The ads, featuring recognizable tunes from NJ native Bon Jovi, cover images of the Jersey shore, mountains, and carnivals.

Minnesota native Mary Hicks says she was convinced that New Jersey was the best place to plan her next family vacation after viewing the commercials.

"The beaches, the night clubs, the mountains...where else in the world can you go to have that much fun?" Hicks mused.

Hicks, who says that Caccianato's deli is "on the itinerary", plans to fly into Newark airport and head straight through New Jersey's Oil Refinery region to the Garden State parkway to "sit in bumper to bumper traffic" with those fucking Staten Islanders heading down to the shore.

"It'll be a once-in-a-lifetime experience, I'm sure," Hicks said. "I'm glad my kids are old enough now to really enjoy it and take in the culture."

The New Jersey Department of Commerce (DOC) plans to increase their marketing budget by another $3.2 million to target vacationers like Hicks.

"Obviously, we're doing something right," said New Jersey DOC advertising director Brenda Brooks, "Once the producers approached me with using that Bon Jovi song that he's currently being sued for, 'Who Says You Can't Go Home?', I knew that we had a winner. That song could sell a ketchup popsicle to a lady in white gloves."

Brooks says that Hicks' decision to visit New Jersey follows their assumption.

"People can choose to go anywhere in the world. Once they come to New Jersey, they'll see we have the same things to offer visitors as popular vacation spots such as Mexico, Italy, and even the Far East," Brooks noted, citing that New Jersey has similar offerings in Elizabeth, Bayonne, and Edison respectively.

Hicks, who cites Edison's Oak Tree Road district on the agenda, says she plans to get into a fender bender with an illegal immigrant who'll send his kids to school on your tax dollars and flee the scene of the accident.

"I'm just so excited about our trip!" she exclaimed.

When asked if she plans to visit the New York City, which lies about 3o minutes north from the Unioin Holiday Inn where she's staying, Hicks said that they might fit it in "if they have time."

Office Meeting Productive, Operations Manager says

RICHMOND, Va. - Following a four-hour debriefing on user traffic to the company website on Wednesday, office manager Jeff Burroughs of Richmond Cleaners said the meeting "went well."

"I think we got a lot accomplished," Burroughs told the Celery Stalk, outlining the agenda of the six-pointed meeting.

Burroughs described the detente as an afternoon ordeal without the option of coffee or donuts, outlining six-month action items on the company's website infrastructure, usability, search engine optimization tactics and more.

"We're very excited to be creating our website. And, I know we discussed many of these things in previous meetings," Burroughs said, "but I thought it helpful to recount many of the items that haven't been accomplished so we could sort of rework and reword them on paper."

Burroughs said that talking about the same issues over and over help to "reiterate" and "motivate" employees to "get moving" on their vaguely assigned tasks, like tracking user activity and reporting key search engine statistics on the company's two-page website.

Still, some office attendees weren't as optimistic. Judy Price, Richmond Cleaners senior accounting operator and lunchtime cash register operator, said she "really thought about quitting" during the first hour of what she called a "long, boring and pointless" conference where "no one knows what they're talking about, but everybody argues like they do."

"I just did some quick math. If I were to quit today and go on unemployment for awhile, I'd probably make out even better than I am now. And I'd never have to go to another meeting again," Price said.

A copywriting consultant who declined to give her name said, "I don't know, I kind of like these meetings. They give me a chance to map out my hectic day, like what time I should pick up my dry cleaning and how many bills I have left to pay. I even planned out my husband's entire surprise birthday party during one meeting, so it works out well for me."

Study shows blacks are darker than whites

WASHINGTON, D.C. - After an exhaustive 12 year study to detemine the difference between black and white people, the Washington-based Stabbone Institute has concluded that Blacks have darker skin than Whites.

"This is a really big day for us," said Dr. Art "Boner" Stabbone, lead principal researcher in the study. "After 12 long years and countless hours of work, we have finally answered one of the biggest questions humanity has ever faced."

Researcher Julio Cesar Smith explained that the study involved many tests of both types of people, which included lasers, UV lights, and electroencephalogy to finally reach a conclusion.



"Our test subjects went through a lot, but they now know it was all worth it," said Smith, outlining that of the 198 subjects of the original study, at least ninety-five percent of them participated in the experiment until the final conclusions were drafted.


The subjects of the experiment, half of whom were labeled "White", received free room and board and frequent sales discounts at Washington-area department stores in return for what Smith says "required all-nighters, exhaustive laboratory analysis, and habitational and sociological observations" that enraged some subjects.

"At one of the final stages of the experimental phase," Smith said, "we studied the dietary habits of the white group and the black control group at a local eatery in Washington, D.C. We starved both groups for several days to prepare them for the study, but we found that both groups were quite pleased with the free menu options, so, we hit another dead end."

Their discovery, Stabbone says, came "by accident."

"We wanted to study the survival skills of both groups, so we took them to southern Washington for a night 'on the streets.' "

"Our findings were substantiated when we realized that the black control group was less visible in the dark than their white counterparts. Suddenly - Eureka! - we had our answer: black people are darker than white people."


The findings will be published in the new issue of an undisclosed online medical journal. Still, Stabbone says he and his group have much work to do.

"We are going to take a much-needed vacation," Stabbone joked. "After that, we are going to us our findings for a federally-funded experiment that will determine if the National Hockey League is ignoring Affirmative Action requirements."

Police say baby found in oven was "Delicious!"

Raccoon City, MD - Racoon City Police, acting on an anonymous tip, found a baby cooking in a local woman's oven at 250 degrees for 5 hours.

"Whoever did this knew what they were doing," said Sgt. Leon S. Kennedy, officer in charge of the Special Tactics and Rescue Squad (S.T.A.R.S.). Sgt Kennedy says the baby was covered in a dry rub, and cooked on low, even heat to preserve the juices.

Lt. Christopher Redfield, grill master at the annual P.B.A. picnic, called the meat "exquisite."

"I've never had meat that was so succulent. From the shoulder to the loin, it was just perfectly cooked."

"Very tasty," Sgt Kennedy agreed. "This really is some of the best meat I've ever had. I imagine this to be the human equivalent of veal."

The child's mother, Conchita Zalgando Ruis, later confessed to the incident, claiming that the baby was "ugly."

"It looked like a pig, so i cooked it." said Ruis.

Ruis is being held at the Raccoon County jail, with bail set at $1.5 million.

Report: Area Woman Takes Eddie Money Up on His Offer

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. - An area woman has opted to accept Eddie Money's proposal, the erstwhile singer's lawyer said yesterday.

"Donna Richards, of Grand Rapids, chose to accept Mr. Money's carefully crafted proposal, originally drafted in a 1984 musical composition entitled 'Take Me Home Tonight,'" Money's lawyer, Sal Harding, said.

While the date of the "tonight" in question was not specifically identified in the song, the contractual obligation on the proposal is still open, Harding said, "without being voided."

Money told the Celery Stalk that he was "surprised" when Richards approached him about his proposal, citing that he was under the impression that the language of the text had expired.

"To be honest, I kind of forgot about it. I had given up long ago that someone would take me home tonight," Money said. "But, in light of the situation, I am considering redrafting my proposal entitled 'I Wanna Go Back' and submitting it to [Richards]."

Richards described the fulfillment of the proposal as "satisfactory", despite the fact that it has been open for over twenty years.

"The services rendered by Mr. Money completely satisfy the requirement. I would consider working with Mr. Money in the future," Richards said.

When asked about Money's previous legal problems, Richards said that she had no qualms about Money keeping his obligations.

"I know he was sued for exploitation after he promised two tickets to Paradise and took his girlfriend at the time to Fiji instead, but those were the wild and reckless eighties, and this is a whole new era."

Local Man Hates His Job

NEW YORK - In a breakroom tirade yesterday, a local man rattled an already shaky Wall Street with the claim that he hates his job.

Michael Connick, of the Garden City McDonald's on Route 87, told accounting technology engineer Victor Douglas that he "hated" his job and "didn't feel like doing shit" on Thursday.

"I was working the cash register in the drive-thru, and he just said he didn't feel like being [at McDonald's]," Douglas told the Celery Stalk.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average plunged 311 points following the announcement, amidst concerns that the an unenthusiastic approach to work could halt production rates and spread to other parts of the fast food industry sector.

The loss — the second largest of the year—is the most telling example of Wall Street’s increasing uneasiness.

"Mr. Connick's announcement comes as an extreme surprise. When we forecast this year's output, we had absolutely no idea of the magnitude of the general malaise and apathy of the fast food industry sector's driving labor force," said Goldman-Sachs chief financial analyst Robert Billings.

Investors sought refuge in the bond market, overemphasizing the volume and sending yield on the 10-year Treasury Bond to 4.79, down from 4.90 on Wednesday.

However, Billings reported that he is "positive" that the "fragile" economy will recover from the Connick claim, promising to eradicate all oversights of "that nature" for next year's forecast.

"I mean, what's next?" Billings joked. "You're going to tell me that the folks at the Home Depot Service Desk don't really know how to install a kitchen sink?"

Tom Cruise Finds Jesus, Converts Him to Scientology

In a shocking press release Thursday, the Church of Scientology announced the the biggest coup in the history of organized religion.

Jesus Christ is now a Scientologist.

An unnamed source within the Church of Scientology, speaking exclusively with The Celery Stalk, confirmed that The Son of God will be sworn in with a star-studded extravaganza aboard a DC-8 this weekend.

"Christ ran into (actor) Tom Cruise at an AIDS benefit hosted by Elton John in November. They both had a chuckle about how they were dubbed 'superstars', got to talking, and found out that they both had a lot in common," the source said. "Turns out both Tom and Christ's father have children through immaculate conceptions."

One thing "led to another," said the source, and soon Tom was preaching to Christ about the benefits of Scientology.

"[Christ] came back with colorful pamphlets, preaching about how anti-depressants, not greed, is the root of all evil, and how it takes practice to be a good housewife, just like it does to be a good stuntman," the source said.

"It really struck a nerve when he announced that he was annulling the Ten Commandments and instead issuing a list of gradients on the Bridge to Freedom."

The source continued to describe Christ's rapid transformation into Scientology's tresses, citing works from "Dianetics" and even greeting the Pope with a copy in hand.

"I was surprised when he told me that the Bible was full of lies to subdue the mind, and that the path to freedom was easily attained through monthly installments of only $795," the Pope told the Celery Stalk.

Still, all the universe is buzzing about Christ's pricey induction into the Church of Scientology.

"I was imprisoned in the Pyrenees 75 million years ago, but there was no way in fuck I'm going to miss this!", evil lord Xenu told the Disassociated Press. "This id going to be the biggest party since we arrived on Earth!"

Saturday night's in-flight welcome gala for Christ will cost upwards of $50 million and feature live performances by Rob Thomas, Brandy, and Beck, as well as resurrected greats Jimi Hendrix, The Doors, and Elvis Presley.

Host Tom Cruise had glowing words for Scientology's newest member: "It's amazing. I, uh, I had, uh, just spoken at a Narconon event and, uh, there he was," the Far and Away star told the Celery. "That night, Kate and I had him over for dinner and we all got along great. He even healed Suri's retardation. Thats when I knew we had to work together!"

There is no word yet on if Christ will take an executive role within the Church, but reportedly President Heber Jentzsch has been talking with The Church of Christ, Scientist about possible opportunities, and is rumored to make an announcement at the gala.

The gala's uber-exclusive list of invitees also included John Travolta, Kelly Preston, Leah Remini, and Danny Masterson.

Founder L. Ron Hubbard was not released from Hell for the event.

Princess Peach Latest 'Troubles' May Cost Her the Crown

Princess Peach of Mushroom Kingdom was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence after her Cloud Car struck a curb, and investigators found what they believe is cocaine at the scene, police said.


Peach, 41, and two residents of Mushroom Kingdom who wish to remain anonymous were in her 1998 Cloud Car GT when it crashed into a pole around 3:30 a.m. Saturday, Lieutenant Colonel Frank Slade said. It appeared Peach was speeding and swerving all over the road.


Officers at the scene found a "usable amount" of a drug tentatively identified as cocaine. Lieutenant Colonel Slade declined to say where the drug was found other than to say Princess Peach was not carrying it.

Officers received an emergency call about the accident and arrested Peach at the hospital for investigation of misdemeanor driving under the influence of alcohol or drugs. She was released from custody because she was admitted to the hospital, police said. Lieutenant Colonel Slade declined to comment on Peach's blood-alcohol level. He said the case will be presented to the Mushroom Kingdom District Attorney's Office where the princess could face more charges, including felonies. Her tentative arraignment date has not been scheduled at this time.

This incident was Peach's third brush with the law in the last year two years. The troubled, once widely respected princess was picked up for suspected prostitution in June of 2005 (She eventually was acquitted of the charges although Donkey Kong, who allegedly ran the prostitution ring, was sentenced to 5 years in prison). Peach had also been picked up on New Year's Day of this year for destroying public property with her Cloud Car while attempting to practice power-sliding for the next race in the Mushroom Cup circuit. She was fined and sentenced to 6 months of community service.

Peach's publicist had this to say regarding the incident: "Peach is going through a rough time at the moment. The trauma of being kidnapped several times by the Koopa family has finally gotten to her. Her savior, Mario, doesn't seem to care anymore and stays as far away as possible. She has no support system anymore, and thats sad being she was once so loved".

Rumors have been circulating that this incident may be the last straw and that the King may ask Peach to relinquish the crown. The King's spokesman was unavailable for comment.

Residents have already shown their disgust for the once-loved princess.

One Toad had the following to say: "She's a disaster. She was once one of the greats, but she let her own 'damsel in destress' drama completely comsume her and now she's worthless. I hope she will be removed as soon as possible".

Heaven "too much fun," Messiah says

In news that shocked the entire universe, Jesus Christ announced that he was cancelling his second-coming "indefinitely", citing that he was having "way too much fun up in heaven."

"The last 2000 years have been a blast!" exclaimed Christ, right before downing two shots of Cuervo. "Everyday is a party, and every party is totally kick-ass!"

Christ said that he had been set on Dec. 21 of this year to start phase one of his triumphant return to earth, but things didn't go as planned.

"December twenty-first is the day St. Josephus is having his Christmas party...and that is one party you do not want to miss. I mean, that dude always has the best music, the most slammin' girls around, and the best weed."

"I don' t know, kids will be kids, I guess," God replied when asked about his son's behavior. "I think this just may be a phase he is going through. I just hope it isn't his way of rebelling against me for that crucifixion, die for all their sins business I made him do."

When asked if he will be resurrecting his plans for the second-coming, Christ replied "I just don't know, man. Right now, I'm getting drunk, getting stoned, and getting laid. Life is good."

Shark Feasts on Human, Sparks Outrage

MAUI, Hawaii - Bailey Brown is not "off the hook."

The 45 year-old Pacific Ocean native had quite a "delicious lunch" when he feasted on unwitting PETA activist, Jenni Mauser, while she surfed near his home in the Buggy Sand Bar region off the Maui shore, moments before he swam over to tantalize a school of catfish.

The dine and dash routine is just the latest under the intense scrutiny of SETH (Sharks for the Ethical Treatment of Humans), and Brown is caught in the line of fire.

"Mr. Brown's actions are not only deplorable and irrevocable," SETH spokes-shark Gregory Hunt said, "but he has chosen to regress the advancement of our entire species by taking the life of an innocent being and turning her into a gratuitous sustenance."

Brown's consumption of human flesh has caused such an uproar that even the Atlantic chapter of SETH staged a protest Monday, chanting, "Humans are not food!"

Hunt said he "hopes" that "ties with (sister organization) PETA aren't strained" as a direct result of Brown's crude consumption.

PETA spokeswoman Ima Nimbisel, however, released today what she called an "encouraging" message to the press: "We need to let these animals live the lives that they deserve to live. No matter their rank on the commercialized and phallocentric food chain devised by the man, if a person's life is terribly inconvenienced, or -worse yet - lost, then let it be. What's important is that these innocent animals are held in the highest regard, and we have an inborn responsiblity to protect them. I'm saddened by the loss of our friend, but she has saved so many animals with her incredible spirit."

Brown doesn't seem phased by the actions, claiming that it his innate need to carnivorously feast on humans.

"Don't tell my wife, though. She's been after me to stop eating red meat," Brown said, waving his fins and baring his sharp teeth. "At least I didn't eat the skin."

******************
********************
*******************

Steaming Pile of Shit Wanted in Questioning for Woman's Murder

Carrsville, KY - A local man is in police custody immediately, just hours after he claimed to have seen a vision of the Virgin Mary in the upstairs bathroom toilet bowl.

Seamus McLough, 42, an Irish emigre, claimed to have spotted an image of the Virgin Mary immediately following a bowel movement on the morning of July 23, 2007.

Police Commissioner Don Fredrick reports that McLough then "rushed to get his camera to snap a picture of what he believed was a heavenly visit... from his rectum. During that period of time, the victim, Rose McLough, flushed the purported divinity down."

According to eyewitnesses, McLough screamed at his wife through the door before breaking it down and beating her.

Police arrived at the scene following frantic calls from neighbors and found what Fredrick described as a "devastating" and "grizzly" scene: a decapitated Rose lying bodyless on the kitchen floor in a pool of blood, a Gideon's Bible placed next to her severed head, with a scribbled note reading "You will rot in hell for what you've done" on pink stationery.

Immediately following the discovery of the victim, police found McLough at the scene of the Virgin sighting - the upstairs bathroom toilet bowl with a bottle of Jack Daniels in his hand.

When word reached about the Virgin Mary murder, acquaintances didn't doubt the validity of the crisis.

Neighbor Sandy Loman told the Celery Stalk: "(Seamus) McLough was always inviting us over for drinks to look at his pictures. He kept a photo album - a 'log', if you will - full of shit - each one, he claimed looked like somebody or other. Last week, he claimed he defecated the image of the late Ernest Borgnine."

Adam Copeland, McLough's unemployment officer, said: "He always kind of creeped me out. I'm not really at all surprised about the events. With him, it was definitely not an 'if', but a 'when.' Frankly, the only thing I can't believe was that this didn't happen sooner."

A Vatican spokesman declined comment regarding the validity of Mr. McLough's findings and the symbolism of the Bible's placed belong the deceased Rose McLough.

Police have yet to uncover the celestial culprit, but believe that it resides in the sewer systems beneath the F and G blocks of Carrsville's northwest corner.

If you have any information or have seen the Virgin Mary in your toilet, please call: (888) CARR-3332