SACRAMENTO - The Office of the District Attorney of Sacramento detained cigarettes for questioning Saturday on suspicion of the murder of area man Richard Phelps, 89.
The cigarettes, who have several assault and battery convictions and have been questioned in the murders of multiple middle and senior-aged individuals, did not appear to waver, according to sources.
"The cigarettes appeared calm during the entire arraignment process," an unnamed District Attorney official, speaking on condition of anonymity, told the Dissociated Press. "I'd even go so far as to say he was 'smooth'. Just a pleasure - really de-stressed us around here."
The cigarettes face a second-degree murder indictment in the case of Phelps, and could possibly be arraigned in the deaths of countless other individuals, including 87 year-old Gary Tiller, who died last year from a combination of cigarette-smoking and being hit by a bus.
Advocates for the cigarettes decry officials' detainment of the cigarette, calling it "a cop-out" that suits the cigarette as a "scapegoat."
At a protest rally at the state capitol building, protesters held signs and shouted, "Free Cigarettes!"
While the rally did inspire some unwanted company - individuals who clearly did not understand the message or the "levity of the situation"- it gave concerned citizens a podium in which to voice their opinions.
"We're not saying the cigarette didn't kill those other people - but it didn't kill [Richard] Phelps, and it most certainly didn't kill [Tiller]," Cigarettes Advocate planner Raymond DeSantos said. "To frame cigarettes as the sole killer in those deaths - when it was mainly years of an extremely poor, high-cholesterol diet and a drunken bus driver that contributed to the deaths of those gentlemen, respectively - is morally irresponsible and drags cigarettes' good-natured name through the mud."
The "Free Cigarettes" campaign is expected to last through the arraignment process, and probably further, if the cigarettes are indicted.
However, Anti-Cigarettes advocates, the "Truth" campaign, are hoping the case will shed light on putting this criminal behind bars, "once and for all."
"We won't rest until cigarettes are stopped," Stephanie Morris, self-proclaimed radical and NYU junior, said. "They won't 'smooth'-talk us with their naturally calming effect. There are billions and billions of people that cigarettes have killed. Just look at our totally not made up statistics that contribute to federally funded PSAs that are plastered over prime-time programming geared toward teens that only make kids more curious to smoke than not."
Still, the DA's office hopes the "civil unrest" over the cigarettes matter will come to an end.
"Only time will tell (if the crowd will simmer)," the unnamed DA official said. "Likewise, it's so hard to say today if something like the cigarettes case is goign to do much harm or good to society until fifty, maybe sixty years down the line. I'm pretty sure that his long rap sheet is not going to help his case, nor is the fact that if he is guilty, he seems to select individuals who are older and have predisposed genetic or extremely harmful environmental factors contributing to their demise - though most people refuse believe that."
"Besides, we are looking into another possible suspect - radon."
