In a shocking press release Thursday, the Church of Scientology announced the the biggest coup in the history of organized religion.
Jesus Christ is now a Scientologist.
An unnamed source within the Church of Scientology, speaking exclusively with The Celery Stalk, confirmed that The Son of God will be sworn in with a star-studded extravaganza aboard a DC-8 this weekend.
"Christ ran into (actor) Tom Cruise at an AIDS benefit hosted by Elton John in November. They both had a chuckle about how they were dubbed 'superstars', got to talking, and found out that they both had a lot in common," the source said. "Turns out both Tom and Christ's father have children through immaculate conceptions."
One thing "led to another," said the source, and soon Tom was preaching to Christ about the benefits of Scientology.
"[Christ] came back with colorful pamphlets, preaching about how anti-depressants, not greed, is the root of all evil, and how it takes practice to be a good housewife, just like it does to be a good stuntman," the source said.
"It really struck a nerve when he announced that he was annulling the Ten Commandments and instead issuing a list of gradients on the Bridge to Freedom."
The source continued to describe Christ's rapid transformation into Scientology's tresses, citing works from "Dianetics" and even greeting the Pope with a copy in hand.
"I was surprised when he told me that the Bible was full of lies to subdue the mind, and that the path to freedom was easily attained through monthly installments of only $795," the Pope told the Celery Stalk.
Still, all the universe is buzzing about Christ's pricey induction into the Church of Scientology.
"I was imprisoned in the Pyrenees 75 million years ago, but there was no way in fuck I'm going to miss this!", evil lord Xenu told the Disassociated Press. "This id going to be the biggest party since we arrived on Earth!"
Saturday night's in-flight welcome gala for Christ will cost upwards of $50 million and feature live performances by Rob Thomas, Brandy, and Beck, as well as resurrected greats Jimi Hendrix, The Doors, and Elvis Presley.
Host Tom Cruise had glowing words for Scientology's newest member: "It's amazing. I, uh, I had, uh, just spoken at a Narconon event and, uh, there he was," the Far and Away star told the Celery. "That night, Kate and I had him over for dinner and we all got along great. He even healed Suri's retardation. Thats when I knew we had to work together!"
There is no word yet on if Christ will take an executive role within the Church, but reportedly President Heber Jentzsch has been talking with The Church of Christ, Scientist about possible opportunities, and is rumored to make an announcement at the gala.
The gala's uber-exclusive list of invitees also included John Travolta, Kelly Preston, Leah Remini, and Danny Masterson.
Founder L. Ron Hubbard was not released from Hell for the event.
