Local philanthrophist gives free discourse with purchase

EAST BRUNSWICK, N.J. - The local Borders chain store is anything but ordinary if area man Jeff Cohen has something to say about it.

The 43 year-old East Brunswick native is surprising visitors to the Borders bookstore on Route 18 with a generous holiday gift this season - free political discourse with every purchase.

"[Cohen] hangs out at the counter, and kind of talks about how Johnny Cash and his cronies were corrupted, collusive, even," 18 year-old cashier Jonathan Mulberry told the Dissociated Press.

Mulberry reported that among the kind advice that Cohen gives, he even offers counsel and aid to the elderly and sick.

"He told this eighty year-old lady who was in here buying a Ladies' HOme Journal or something that he had receptors in his ears so he could read her thoughts, and that only a select few of us know about the government's control on us," Mulberry said, adding that the gentlemanly Cohen even offered the women advice on how to stop it: "He told her that she could stop them, using willpower in her mind, and that her magazine was brainwashing her."

According to Mulberry, the "giving" doesn't end there, and reported that Cohen even donned a Santa Claus costume one December afternoon, chanting "Ho ho ho!" and emphasizing the friendly Christmas cheer to nearly every female customer that entered the franchise.

"He seems to like to spread his message to women, especially," Mulberry said, and reported claims of Cohen reminding female customers to receive regular mammograms to lessen fears that cancerous "and cantankerous" growths could be forming in their "pectoralis Major".

Cohen doesn't forget children and teenagers, according to Bonnie Smith, resident and mother of two. Smith was shopping in the Borders when an encounter with "Cohen" made her children's afternoon "one they would never forget."

"He basically told my five year-old son that Santa Claus wasn't real and that Jesus died a slow and painful death on the cross for his sins. [Cohen] also told him that if he didn't remember Jesus this Christmas, the devil had already gotten to him and when he died, he'd spend an eternity raked across the 'infernal coals of hellfire,'" Smith said.

Still some don't appreciate Cohen's season offerings, and those - like Borders manager John Titor - have even threatened to summon police on several occassions.

"I've had to kick that guy out several times, but he keeps coming back. On the few occassions that he makes a purchase, it's usually to buy a People magazine with a personal check - and he doesn't fail to tell us that he plans to 'cum all over Paris Hilton's smug sense of satisfaction' to 'wipe out the fecal matter of her soul,'" Titor reported.

"This is a family store. We don't need this here."

When asked if he had other avenues to spread his holiday cheer, Cohen reported that he planned on visiting a desk clerk who labored at a local motel, followed by phoning police about a neighbor's car parked in front of his house to spy on him, and finally, would reconcile a scheduled visit to his local bar and grill to harass regular patrons with stories about his best friend John Lennon and their civic duties.