Report: Area Woman Takes Eddie Money Up on His Offer

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. - An area woman has opted to accept Eddie Money's proposal, the erstwhile singer's lawyer said yesterday.

"Donna Richards, of Grand Rapids, chose to accept Mr. Money's carefully crafted proposal, originally drafted in a 1984 musical composition entitled 'Take Me Home Tonight,'" Money's lawyer, Sal Harding, said.

While the date of the "tonight" in question was not specifically identified in the song, the contractual obligation on the proposal is still open, Harding said, "without being voided."

Money told the Celery Stalk that he was "surprised" when Richards approached him about his proposal, citing that he was under the impression that the language of the text had expired.

"To be honest, I kind of forgot about it. I had given up long ago that someone would take me home tonight," Money said. "But, in light of the situation, I am considering redrafting my proposal entitled 'I Wanna Go Back' and submitting it to [Richards]."

Richards described the fulfillment of the proposal as "satisfactory", despite the fact that it has been open for over twenty years.

"The services rendered by Mr. Money completely satisfy the requirement. I would consider working with Mr. Money in the future," Richards said.

When asked about Money's previous legal problems, Richards said that she had no qualms about Money keeping his obligations.

"I know he was sued for exploitation after he promised two tickets to Paradise and took his girlfriend at the time to Fiji instead, but those were the wild and reckless eighties, and this is a whole new era."

Strange Smell on Airliner Linked to Flight Attendent's Vagina

Newark, NJ - A flight bound for Spokane, WA was grounded yesterday at Newark Liberty Int. airport, due to a pungent odor that engulfed the cabin, causing nausea and panic amongst passengers and crew.

"It was like death itself was paying us a visit," said passenger Jason McMichael. "I've never smelled anything that awful in my entire life, and I'm a garbage man."

Capt. Lars Holmstead immediately contacted airport security to report the situation.

Suspecting that the smell was evidence of chemical attack, both the FBI and Homeland Security were dispatched to the scene. Grounded passengers were forced to stay in the plane for 12 hours, while it was being searched and secured by FBI agents.

"We brought in highly trained chemical-sniffing dogs. But they couldn't find anything," said Special Agent George Presley. "We couldn't figure it out."

During the investigation, Agent Homer Licasso noticed flight attendant Kathy McCafferty acting strange.

"She was just sitting there, acting like nothing was wrong, almost like she was trying to hide something," Licasso said.

Licasso began questioning McCafferty, who at first denied knowing anything about the smell. After continuous questioning, McCafferty broke down and admitted that the smell was in fact emanating from her vagina.

At that point, the FBI summoned world-renowed gynocologist Dr. Harry Grabenznatch to investigate.

"It only took one whiff to know that this lady was suffering from the worst case of Bacterial Vaginosis I have ever come across," said Grabenznatch. "In my 32 years as a doctor, I thought I'd seen everything. But that was one rotten pussy."

McCafferty could not be reached for comment on her condition. The DP (Dissociated Press) has reported that she committed suicide following the incident.