Strange Smell on Airliner Linked to Flight Attendent's Vagina

Newark, NJ - A flight bound for Spokane, WA was grounded yesterday at Newark Liberty Int. airport, due to a pungent odor that engulfed the cabin, causing nausea and panic amongst passengers and crew.

"It was like death itself was paying us a visit," said passenger Jason McMichael. "I've never smelled anything that awful in my entire life, and I'm a garbage man."

Capt. Lars Holmstead immediately contacted airport security to report the situation.

Suspecting that the smell was evidence of chemical attack, both the FBI and Homeland Security were dispatched to the scene. Grounded passengers were forced to stay in the plane for 12 hours, while it was being searched and secured by FBI agents.

"We brought in highly trained chemical-sniffing dogs. But they couldn't find anything," said Special Agent George Presley. "We couldn't figure it out."

During the investigation, Agent Homer Licasso noticed flight attendant Kathy McCafferty acting strange.

"She was just sitting there, acting like nothing was wrong, almost like she was trying to hide something," Licasso said.

Licasso began questioning McCafferty, who at first denied knowing anything about the smell. After continuous questioning, McCafferty broke down and admitted that the smell was in fact emanating from her vagina.

At that point, the FBI summoned world-renowed gynocologist Dr. Harry Grabenznatch to investigate.

"It only took one whiff to know that this lady was suffering from the worst case of Bacterial Vaginosis I have ever come across," said Grabenznatch. "In my 32 years as a doctor, I thought I'd seen everything. But that was one rotten pussy."

McCafferty could not be reached for comment on her condition. The DP (Dissociated Press) has reported that she committed suicide following the incident.

Hilarious Joke Leads To Woman's Death

Astoria, OREGON - A barbecue held in the backyard of Astoria resident Bob Buchenwald served as the final resting place for party attendee Jill Malowitz, who choked to death on a spoonful of potato salad after hearing the punchline of a hilarious joke.

"It was one of my best jokes," said guest Ken White, the self-proclaimed "life of the party."

"It was a really funny joke," party host Buchenwald agreed. "Ken always has a good joke on hand, but this one took the cake."

When asked why no one helped the choking victim, Buchenwald replied, "We didn't know she was choking...[Malowitz] was a silent laugher. No sound, just an open mouth and body shaking. She always looked like she was choking when she laughed. When her face started to turn red, I just thought she was laughing really, really hard. Like I said, it was a funny joke."

In response to this incident, Congressman J. Randall Smith (R-Ore.)
issued the following statement: "This tragedy just further
proves that joking is no laughing matter. How many people must die
before we realize how dangerous humor really is?"

Rep. Smith stated that he was submitting a bill to Congress "seeking to severely limit how funny a joke can be in order for it to be spoken in public."

When asked about the severity of the law, Smith replied, "There are limits that just shouldn't be crossed, and the American public cannot be trusted to know what is good for them. That is why we elected officials create these laws, to force them onto a good moral path of our choosing."

But partiers like White realize the seriousness of a law that could be called a "laughing matter."

"I disagree with this law. I understand that someone died, but the violence should really stop there," White said, "because it would totally 'kill' my social life!"

White then proceeded to snap his fingers in the air twice before pointing his finger in gun-fashion at a reporter and asking her for her number.

Woman Sues Soft Drink Giant over Advertising Claims

Raleigh, NC - A 42 year-old housewife is reportedly taking on a massive soft drink giant, citing irreparable damages stemming from what she describes as a collusive "marketing scam" designed by the Atlanta-based Coca Cola company.


Roberta Williams of Raleigh,N.C. is suing Red Bull, Inc., claiming that the energy soft drink did not "give her wings" following initial consumption.

"My client's experience with the soft drink in question lies in stark contrast with the advertising claims made by the Coca Cola company and their subsidiary, Red Bull Inc.," Williams' lawyer, Sal Harding, stated in a press interview Wednesday.

The lawsuit was served last week, following a string of events that Williams deems "devastating."

"I dropped off my kids [sic] at school and stopped at the grocery store to pick up some supplies at dinner. I was exhausted from avoiding my husband the night before, so when I saw the advertisement display for the Red Bull energy drink, I thought I'd found the answers to all of my problems," Williams said. "This apparently wasn't the case."

Williams "waited for over two hours" to sprout her "wings", and by the time the Maury Povich show aired at noon, she had grown "impatient" and "tired of waiting."

"That's when I realized that I had 'been had' by the Red Bull company," Williams admitted.

The matter is scheduled to be heard in court on Monday, and, according to Harding, Williams is seeking no less than $4 million in punitive damages.

"Anything less would be an outrage," Harding said.

The Red Bull caffeinated energy drink hit shelves in 1998 and costs about $1.25 to purchase.

Survivor Claims Concentration Camp "wasn't so bad"

While being interviewed for the documentary film,"Who's Who of the
Holocaust", survivor Olga Zimmersteinowitz has sparked ire and outrage with her claim that time spent in the Dachau death camp "wasn't so bad."

"Sure, there were some bad things, like seeing my brother killed
in front of me," said Zimmersteinowitz. "But I was a very overweight child, which caused me to be teased and have self-esteem issues. But being in Dachau, it was like having the best personal trainers in the world. It was just what i needed...very motivating. The weight seemed to fly off."

Isaac Horowitz, spokesman for the Jews for Jews (JFJ) orginization calls the claim "irresponsible and outrageous."

"To make light of the Holocaust, when so many suffered, is just preposterous." said Horowitz, who plans on filing a class action lawsuit on behalf of JFJ, seeking punitive damages of up to $4 million.

But Zimmersteinowitz hasn't just enraged groups with her controversial commentary - she's inspired them.

Larry Appleton, founder and CEO of the popular Work Out Planet chain of health clubs, is planning to build the world's first "Death Camp"-themed health club and spa. The spa will feature, among other things, an unbearably humid sauna with time-sensitive locks to "really set the mood."

In addition to Appleton's "Death Camp" chain - which is rumored to be financed by venture capitalist giant Blackstone, LLC - many Hollywood personalities are reportedly hiring personal trainers to act like SS soldiers, in an effort to lose weight quickly and easily.

"Who knew we would have to look to the past to see the future of healthy living?" said Appleton.

Area Woman Believes New Man is Mr. Right

Richmond, VA. - When local woman Gina Spears gazes into the eyes of landscape contractor Rick Dallas, she "sees a long and happy future."

Spears, a 35 year-old divorcee and mother of two, met Dallas at a speed-dating conference on July 22nd and has gone out with the Virginia native three times since then.

"We usually meet at Steve's Bar & Grill on Route 17 for beers during their Happy Hour," Spears said. "But when I talk, I know he's listening. And he talks back to me when I ask him things."

Self-proclaimed Mr. Right, Dallas tells Spears all about his day at work, and even asks her questions about hers.

"I can tell that he's really paying attention. I tell him about my deepest secrets, and my dreams and goals. A lot of times, he segues into a relevant story about himself, his friends and their nights out on the town, or about the baseball game. But I like that he's listening enough to get the conversation really going," Spears said. "I can tell this is not about him just wanting to get into bed with me."

Speas also admitted that she has long-term goals for the LawnTech franchise owner, stating that she "could envision getting married to [Dallas]."

Dallas affirmed that he had mutual feelings for Spears.

"She has a decent rack and a nice ass. Some of the broads that pop out a couple of kids, they go to shit. Not this one," Dallas said. "I'm thinking I'll probably get to smack that sometime in the beginning of August...oh, that's a few days away. Awesome."

Opinion: Was Mr. Feeny a Pedophile?

A remarkable observation circulating the Hollywood beat in the past few weeks has been up for intensely heated debate: Was Mr. Feeny, the beloved teacher of Boy Meets World fame, actually a kid-coveting pedophile?

Researchers have noted that "Mr. Feeny" was Corey Matthews next-door neighbor. He was also his fifth grade teacher. The argument beings: After Season One of the series, you'd think the supposed dilemma would subside and the show would get canned.

Not so, said ABC, the erstwhile prodigy of parent-friendly Friday night programming.

Instead, Mr. Feeny gets "promoted" to the sixth grade at the middle school--the very same middle school that the aforementioned Matthews would be attending come Season Two one year later.

According to reports, Mr. Feeny continues to pervade Matthews life, all the while acting as the omniscient mentor to the "confused" yet very stable-minded boy. Then comes the twist: Stuart Minkus, the beloved "brain", just disappears into thin air. Did Minkus, being the ever-loving genius he is, figure out some sick, sadistic plot Mr. Feeny had cooked aimed aimed at the young Matthews boy?

Without much of a word about the Minkus boy's veiled vanishing act, Mr. Feeny again climbs the career ladder to principal of the very same high school that Corey Matthews would be attending. Now, I don't know about how school districts choose their administrators, but I'm pretty sure that teachers don't go from being next-door neighbor/fifth grade teachers to high school principals in the span of four years without a doctorate. And a man of his "infinite wisdom" should at least have a doctorate.

Or was it all a cover-up? Was the Philadelphia Board of Education in on the entire scandal? Was Minkus actually exterminated by the Board of Ed. while they guiltlessly guarded all of Mr. Feeny's indelible attempts to stalk Cory Matthews to satiate his contemptible concupiscence?
Well, maybe that's where Topanga comes in. She's set up as the Board of Ed.'s "cover." She dates Matthews, soothes his heterosexual desires so he keeps his mouth shut about all of the sexual abuse Mr. Feeny places on him lest anyone find out. Mr. Feeny tries to advise "Mr. Matthews" on his relationship woes throughout his high school years nary saying a word about wanton lust.

Child Protection Services agents also noted the treatment Mr. Feeny gives Cory. Mr. Feeny, a man probably forty years Cory's senior, addresses him as "Mr. Matthews." Perhaps a lovey-dovey nickname bestowed on the boy by the pedophilic predator to cover-up any sort of extreme age difference? Even if there was a politeness/respect factor, don't you think Mr. Feeny would come to address the boy as "Cory," given that they are next-door neigbors and have known each for like twenty years? I mean, you have to drop the formality some time. And if you're getting my drift, I have a feeling they were very "close."

Then, comes college. Records state that Mr. Feeny suddenly becomes a professor at a college where his beloved "Mr. Matthews" is admitted--without once every being referred to as "doctor." I don't think you can magically become a history professor at a prestigious university without an entitlement that affords you that position.

Topanga and Corey end up getting married or something--I don't know, I didn't follow the series religiously or anything to the end, but I do remember that Fred Savage's Wonder Years dad guest-starred as a judge in one episode.

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Coming Soon! What Would You Do For a Klondike Bar: The Story of the Son of Sam