Cell Phone Dies, Serial Killer Close Behind

NEW YORK - In an unexpected turn of events on Saturday, local woman Diane Cleary's cell phone ironically died while a criminally insane serial killer followed her.

"Holy shit!" Cleary screamed when realizing that the out-of-issue Nokia 3250 ten-key cell phone she held in her hand was out of "bars" on the black and white display screen.

Despite running at a rate nearly twice that of the serial killer's slow but brisk walk, the knife-wielding serial killer seemed to be "right behind" Cleary nearly every time she looked over her shoulder.

"It really was ironic," the serial killer reported with a chuckle. "I mean, it was about eight, maybe eight thirty when I tracked her down on what should have been a busy city street when she couldn't catch service. That would've really helped her call the authorities on me, but what are you going to do? Se la vie."

Cleary, who realized that her error in "running down an abandoned alleyway" instead of seeking shelter in one of the many storefronts, says that if she "had to do it all over again, I would've went into that Starbuck's. Maybe then I wouldn't have broken my leg while tripping over those wet newspapers in the abandoned alleyway."

T-Mobile, the faulty cell phone provider that could have perhaps saved Cleary a night of terror, released a statement defending their network: "T-Mobile is dedicated to continuous coverage in all network areas. Ms. Cleary's decision to opt for a cheaper, pay-as-you-go Nokia cell phone is her own fault in her fatal stabbing."

Larry Awesomestein!

Where's that vampire article I asked you to write?

Just wondering.


Love,
Christine

Super Tuesday: Bush wins everyone's vote in the world, reports Fox

George W. Bush can breathe a little easier.

Despite not appearing on any ballot ticket in any of the 24 states holding presidential primary elections today, Fox News has exclusively reported that current president George W. Bush is leading in all exit polls, even those not within the United States or on earth.

"This is God's will," Fox News correspondent Karl Rove said. "I know Jesus, God and even the Blessed Virgin all have endorsed Mr. Bush and all of the heavenly plane is following suit, as early exit polls indicate he is the uncontested winner of the 2008 Republican Presidential primary."

Early rumors indicated that the Virgin Mary would get behind the sole female candidate, Sen. Hillary Clinton, but those initial reports "were completely false," Rove said.

President Bush, who has taken liberties with the Constitution in the past, reportedly commented that "he doesn't care" if a president can only serve two consecutive terms, or that he doesn't even appear on the ballot, but "the fact of the matter is terrorists."

As of press time, alleged Bush endorser Jesus could not be reached for comment.

Bayside High under fire for standards reform

BAYSIDE, Calif.- Everything is not "all right" for Bayside High School principal Richard Belding, who came under fire last week by the California State Education Examination (CSEE) board after repeated failure to raise Bayside's education standards under regulations stipulated by the No Child Left Behind Act of 2003.

"These kids spend five, maybe ten, minutes in class at most. And the only class they ever go to is history, taught by Mr. Dewey. While there have been other teachers hired under the authority of [Belding], their attendance to work record is atrocious, showing up only once every few months, at best," Gary D'ellabate, senior administrator of the CSEE, reported at the CSEE board meeting Tuesday.

"It's no wonder that these kids' have a combined reading level of six years old - their standardized test scores are the lowest reported scores in the country," D'ellabate said.

D'ellabate, who also criticizes Belding's lack of discipline in discerning matters of educational importance, catapulted a media maelstrom when citing Belding's personal invovlement in the affairs of students like A.C Slater and Samuel "Screech" Powers.

"Belding chose to blow off a conference in Sacramento to discuss upcoming statewide testing, and instead opted to help his students retaliate against Valley High School in some ridiculous 'prank war' - even going so far to visit Valley principal Louis Strickwell during school hours to exchange jibes and jokes, when he should have been giving a keynote address," D'ellabate reported.

This is not the first time Belding has been criticized by state administrators for his ethics policy. Belding first drew criticism in 1990 for his much-talked about new-issue Ferrari convertible, which he lent to unlicensed students Lisa Turtle and Zachary Morris.

Though Belding admitted the loan was unwitting, he was unable to present the board with receipts for the automobile purchase, which led the city council to come under investigation for ethics violations.

"I was once a high school principal, and the best I could afford was a five year-old Toyota Corolla," D'ellabate said. "Sure, Reaganomics was good to all of us, but a brand new fire-red convertible Ferrari? I'm not buying it."

Among other questionable purchasing options Belding has authorized, the high school principal allowed students to determine budgets of up to $10,000 for after-school athletic programs - and let them setlle their disagreements through a gender war.

"We're not talking an in-class assignment on, say, budgeting with $100. We're talking thousands upon thousands of the taxpayers' dollars, left in the hands of 15- and 16 year-old students to decide what to do with it... with some silly, immature contest," D'ellabate said.

The CSEE and the California State Ethics Committee will conduct their annual joint meeting at the Sacramento State Courthouse this Thursday. Among topics to be discussed include: a hearing on Belding's Bayside tenure, the high rate of teenage pregnancy as it correlates with the arrival of an unnaturally good-looking new student at 21 Jump Street, and finally, teachers who have managed to school Peter Brady, Tabitha Stevens, Blair Warner, and Wally Cleaver despite the fact that all of those students lived in different time zones.

Area alcoholic offers advice, encouragement to high school students

DES MOINES - Quitters never win.

Just ask Jeff Fisher, Des Moines' oldest alcohol dependent resident, who for years has inspired residents and visitors with messages of hope and inspiration from the Fifth Street bus stop.

Now Fisher, 72, is visiting area high schools to encourage students to "never give up."

"You can be ... all that you can be. In the army ... Reserves. And that is something I learned, too, from that commercial, and from my life. If you don't quit, you'll always finish," Fisher told a group of about 500 area high school students at Thursday's Youth Organization Conference at the Hilton Regency on Gardner Ave.

"You get that, Dumbo?" Fisher added, addressing a youth in the crowd, who promptly sank in his chair.

Youth Organization event coordinators applauded Fisher's efforts to personally connect with the individuals in the crowd to "really drive the message home."

"He told Susie McKenzie that she should consider losing some weight or she'd become what [Fisher] and his friends call, 'a heffer', or a 'six-pack stopover,'" Daniel Webster, the Youth Organization's senior program coordinator, reported. "She was so touched that she left the lecture in tears."

Fisher also offered advice to George Johnson, a quadriplegic student, to "ditch the wheelchair" he depends on, or else he'd only "be sleeping with chicks like the teary-eyed broad that just ran out of here."

"We're very proud of Fisher's work. These kids sometimes need a reality check," Webster said. "And if they're not going to get it here - I don't know where else. Fisher is an inspiration."

Fisher concluded his one hour pep talk reminding kids that "quitters are losers. I'm not a quitter - and neither should you be. Then you can be like me. He likes it, Mikey, he likes it."

Fisher then exited the stage in Vaudeville fashion, slipping over a microphone cord and then cursing at God before springing upward and jumping off the stage onto Johnson, who was rushed to the hospital and announced dead on arrival.

What the Fuck?

GREEN BAY, Wi. - The National Football Conference New York Giants totally molested the favorite Green Bay Packers in the NFC Championship Series game on Sunday, leaving everyone in America saying, "What the fuck?"

Longtime Green Bay fan and redneck Dave Harris said, "Giants kicker [Tynes] couldn't make a 36 yard field goal with no wind, but he makes a 47 yarder in overtime? What the fuck just happened?"

Harris, who says he plans on not watching the Superbowl because "he'll be dead by then", was loading up a sawed-off AK-47 at press time.

However, emotions in the -23 degree Green Bay stadium ran in separate direction for Giants fan Joseph Weil.

"I totally knew it. I'm going back to my room [184 at the Holiday Inn on Route 23] to fuck an Asian hooker to celebrate. I'll be thinking about Eli [Manning] the whole time," Weil reported.

Eli Manning, quarterback of the underdog Giants, up until this point, had been unlucky in romantic and professional endeavors. After their heroic win, however, Manning reported that this victory might be the one to get him into some "Jessica Simpson pussy" teritory.

Man really with woman for the vagina

CHICAGO - Mark Harmon has been married to wife Linda for nineteen years. Yet, the 42 year-old advertising executive has a dark and devastating secret.

Despite years of showering Linda with the finest gifts, treating her to expensive meals, and communicating closely with whom he calls "his soul mate", Harmon secretly loathes listening about Linda's day at work, working extra hours to feed his three children, raking the leaves when the Giants game is on, and seeing used tampons in the garbage receptacle.

Finally, after nineteen grueling years of monogamy, Harmon is ready to end his charade.

"I'm really with her to get to her [vagina,]" Harmon admits to the Dissociated Press.

Wife Linda, not privy to her husband's dastardly plot to bury in her unguarded treasure, however feels that they're marriage is "a happy one - why do you ask?"

"He buys me any jewelry, clothes or purse that I want, and we dine out at least once a week without the kids - there's no limit. With Mark, I feel incredibly secure that if we decide to split up or he suddenly dies, me and the kids'll be just fine."

Go Hillary!

The Celery Stalk supports Clinton.

Yeah, we'll come up with a joke later.

Decline in breast screenings concerns experts, perverts

A mammogram isn't the easiest medical exam to endure, sometimes painful and often embarrassing to the woman.

And that's why perverts across the nation deduce to be one potential reason why mammography rates have declined in the U.S., despite how freaking hot it is.

That decrease has also alarmed experts, who believe the X-ray exam is the best way to detect breast cancer early and to get a good look at a juicy tit.

"Mammograms are not perfect tests, but they currently are the most effective test available," said Dr. Ralph Kramden, a breast cancer oncologist at the Indiana University School of Medicine's Cancer Center.

The drop in breast cancer rates coincided with an increase in the free offers to perform mammography tests across the nation in local bars, taverns, strip malls and the popular Howard Stern radio show.

Since 2006, though, the use of mammography exams to determine carcinogenic presence have faltered, and experts wonder if stricter sexual harassment laws have deterred perverts from performing the services for free.

"If we stopped doing mammograms today, we wouldn't see an increase in patrons to my Friday night 'Breast' Dressed contests," "Doctor" Richard Ricardo of Steve's Bar and Grill said.

Discomfort and embarrassment also are believed to play a part, both Kramden and Ricardo said. "Embarassment and physical discomfort is also a really hot factor," Kramden said.

Finally, women might be avoiding the screening, because they just don't want to hear criticism from analsysts.

"They just don't want to hear the news that they have floppy tits, even if it's better to hear it when they can't feel anything," Ricardo said. "But detecting the disease early is in your best interest. You can successfully beat the cancer if it's detected early, versus just hoping to hear that you're still hot."

Jolie says tragedy, coupled with anorexia, caused weight loss

Angelina Jolie says her dramatic weight loss was due in part to the sudden death of her mother, coupled with her long-term refusal to eat anything.

The 32-year-old actress - whose mother Marcheline Bertrand passed away after losing her battle with ovarian cancer in January - claims the emotional turmoil she went through and a desire to "look thin" caused the pounds to fall off.

She said: "I have always been lean and this year I lost my mother and I've gone through a lot."

"The thing that's disturbing is that instead of people saying, 'This looks like a person that's actually dealing with something, probably from emotions.' They say, 'Does she fit into skinny jeans and look thin?'"

"I want people to understand who I am as a person is not just somebody that's trying to look thin, but also trying to work through a very difficult year."

Angelina also revealed her partner Brad Pitt was "extraordinary" when her mother died, and when he discovered that she regurgitated nearly every consumptible within minutes of ingesting it.

She added to Grazia magazine: "He is just a great friend and so supportive. When I told him of my goal weight, and when my mother passed -- he was just so great. He sat with me and held her hand. After she passed away he spend the night asking me and my brother about our mother and got us to tell funny stories about her. He focused on all the love and joy we were fortunate enough to have had, especially when your body is like mine. He was extraordinary."