Local Man Hates His Job

NEW YORK - In a breakroom tirade yesterday, a local man rattled an already shaky Wall Street with the claim that he hates his job.

Michael Connick, of the Garden City McDonald's on Route 87, told accounting technology engineer Victor Douglas that he "hated" his job and "didn't feel like doing shit" on Thursday.

"I was working the cash register in the drive-thru, and he just said he didn't feel like being [at McDonald's]," Douglas told the Celery Stalk.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average plunged 311 points following the announcement, amidst concerns that the an unenthusiastic approach to work could halt production rates and spread to other parts of the fast food industry sector.

The loss — the second largest of the year—is the most telling example of Wall Street’s increasing uneasiness.

"Mr. Connick's announcement comes as an extreme surprise. When we forecast this year's output, we had absolutely no idea of the magnitude of the general malaise and apathy of the fast food industry sector's driving labor force," said Goldman-Sachs chief financial analyst Robert Billings.

Investors sought refuge in the bond market, overemphasizing the volume and sending yield on the 10-year Treasury Bond to 4.79, down from 4.90 on Wednesday.

However, Billings reported that he is "positive" that the "fragile" economy will recover from the Connick claim, promising to eradicate all oversights of "that nature" for next year's forecast.

"I mean, what's next?" Billings joked. "You're going to tell me that the folks at the Home Depot Service Desk don't really know how to install a kitchen sink?"