Steaming Pile of Shit Wanted in Questioning for Woman's Murder

Carrsville, KY - A local man is in police custody immediately, just hours after he claimed to have seen a vision of the Virgin Mary in the upstairs bathroom toilet bowl.

Seamus McLough, 42, an Irish emigre, claimed to have spotted an image of the Virgin Mary immediately following a bowel movement on the morning of July 23, 2007.

Police Commissioner Don Fredrick reports that McLough then "rushed to get his camera to snap a picture of what he believed was a heavenly visit... from his rectum. During that period of time, the victim, Rose McLough, flushed the purported divinity down."

According to eyewitnesses, McLough screamed at his wife through the door before breaking it down and beating her.

Police arrived at the scene following frantic calls from neighbors and found what Fredrick described as a "devastating" and "grizzly" scene: a decapitated Rose lying bodyless on the kitchen floor in a pool of blood, a Gideon's Bible placed next to her severed head, with a scribbled note reading "You will rot in hell for what you've done" on pink stationery.

Immediately following the discovery of the victim, police found McLough at the scene of the Virgin sighting - the upstairs bathroom toilet bowl with a bottle of Jack Daniels in his hand.

When word reached about the Virgin Mary murder, acquaintances didn't doubt the validity of the crisis.

Neighbor Sandy Loman told the Celery Stalk: "(Seamus) McLough was always inviting us over for drinks to look at his pictures. He kept a photo album - a 'log', if you will - full of shit - each one, he claimed looked like somebody or other. Last week, he claimed he defecated the image of the late Ernest Borgnine."

Adam Copeland, McLough's unemployment officer, said: "He always kind of creeped me out. I'm not really at all surprised about the events. With him, it was definitely not an 'if', but a 'when.' Frankly, the only thing I can't believe was that this didn't happen sooner."

A Vatican spokesman declined comment regarding the validity of Mr. McLough's findings and the symbolism of the Bible's placed belong the deceased Rose McLough.

Police have yet to uncover the celestial culprit, but believe that it resides in the sewer systems beneath the F and G blocks of Carrsville's northwest corner.

If you have any information or have seen the Virgin Mary in your toilet, please call: (888) CARR-3332