CHATTANOOGA, Ga. - Considered armed and dangerous, vigilante citizen Fred Markum is determined to stop Russian forces from invading - even if it takes forever.
"Those goddamn reds'll have another think coming if they even step foot on my block," Markum told the Dissociated Press, who didn't have the heart to tell him that Georgia is a city-state fighting for independence in the Middle East and that Russian forces are not planning on invading the state of Georgia in America.
Looking so cute with his little Confederate jacket and rebel flag and sawed-off shotgun, the 82year-old retired steel mill worker sat in his little rocking chair and drank peach schnapps listening for any potential indicator of an attack.
"What was that?" Markum repeatedly asked, his old, beady little eyes widening behind his big, bushy old-man beard every time someone on his block started an engine or police sirens went off.
Describing himself as "more ready than ever", the redneck described his militaristic style approach to single-handedly defeating the ruthless forces of Russian soldiers.
"Them soldiers like to fight dirty. Well, I can fight dirty, too, believe you me," Markum reported, describing his plan to continually fire his shot gun every which one until "each one of them was dead."
"They don't know who they're messing with. Forget Texas," Markum said. "Don't mess with Georgia."
Markum, who has planned similar affronts on "kykes, koons, katholics", gay people and blacks who even took an interest in any real estate sales on his block, says that his approach will prove to be successful.
"I had experience with this," Markum said, cocking his gun like a precious little stereotype before taking another swig of liquor, causing reporters in the press corps. to coo in delight at what a time-forgotten little man stood before them.
"Time to leave, Russia. Time to leave."
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