HELL - It's been a tumultuous eternity in hell for Dr. Johann Faustus. But in the wake of the daily grind of damnation, Dr. Faustus has decided to opt out of his contract, following the advice of attorney Johnny Cochran.
Cochran broke the news to the devil Sunday night, saying the decision not to follow through on the remainder of his contract was because Faustus was uncertain about the levity of his deal, as his quest for the "zenith of human happiness" could be better met through other resources.
Jesus reportedly offered the erstwhile doctor a "pretty resounding offer" to serve as a prophet in his absence for the upcoming apocalypse. The former dirty dealer, who is valued as an intellect and leader, is expected to make an announcement Tuesday.
Cochran didn't even meet with Satan, and instead left him a message on his voice mail.
Upon hearing the news, Satan took a page out of former master God's book when he spoke to the Dissociated Press.
"It's clear he didn't want to be damned. He doesn't understand the privilege of making a lucrative deal with me.... on terms where I'm willing to pay my end of the bargain with riches, fame and the like, I expect the same on his end. I don't want anybody in hell that didn't deserve to be here. But I'm not gonna back down. Jesus is not going to be able to pay him what I can, and if he thinks there's greener pastures elsewhere, then it's goodbye."
But while hell is ready to move on, some demons this morning are having a hard time.
"This is bullshit," Asmodeus, Satan's executive assistant for four consecutive millenia, said. "A deal's a deal. We give you what you want, you give us your soul. I never heard of anything so ridiculous. The contract is binding, and, as I told Lucifer, we should take out the opt-out clause in all future dealings."
So what does this all mean? Faustus is now a free soul. Let the bidding war begin.
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