Sado-masochist Strangely Pleased at Economic Crisis

DETROIT - Defining the current economic conundrum as "another Great Depression" and a "surefire shortcut to losing [his] home", area man Derek Weaver couldn't be "more thrilled."

"Oh, man, I love it when things get really bad," Weaver said, adding that he really feels "mercilessly raped" by a capitalist infrastructure "gone wild."

While the entire nation, many of whom have large investments at risk, are biting their fingernails in wait for a solution to a critical issue, Weaver insists that an economic collapse will derive "great pleasure."

"Not knowing if my mortgage bill is going to be triple the amount next month is just exhiliration," Weaver said, describing that mounting financial pressures and a resulting self-destructive alcoholism was better than the time that his "ex tied me to a steel bedframe in a dank basement for six days without food or water."

"I really thought nothing would be better than that," Weaver said. "Boy, was I wrong."

Weaver, who frequently enjoys such pleasure-void experiences as burning himself with candles, being gagged, drinking urine and getting tied up and having sex withheld from him when he is aroused, said that the pinnacle arrived Tuesday, when he learned that the company he worked for for over 20 years was laying him off.

"Oh, man, I had a good jerk after I got that pink slip. I couldn't wait to get home and tie a rubber band to the end of my dick and spank it until it swelled up," Weaver described.