Local philanthrophist gives free discourse with purchase

EAST BRUNSWICK, N.J. - The local Borders chain store is anything but ordinary if area man Jeff Cohen has something to say about it.

The 43 year-old East Brunswick native is surprising visitors to the Borders bookstore on Route 18 with a generous holiday gift this season - free political discourse with every purchase.

"[Cohen] hangs out at the counter, and kind of talks about how Johnny Cash and his cronies were corrupted, collusive, even," 18 year-old cashier Jonathan Mulberry told the Dissociated Press.

Mulberry reported that among the kind advice that Cohen gives, he even offers counsel and aid to the elderly and sick.

"He told this eighty year-old lady who was in here buying a Ladies' HOme Journal or something that he had receptors in his ears so he could read her thoughts, and that only a select few of us know about the government's control on us," Mulberry said, adding that the gentlemanly Cohen even offered the women advice on how to stop it: "He told her that she could stop them, using willpower in her mind, and that her magazine was brainwashing her."

According to Mulberry, the "giving" doesn't end there, and reported that Cohen even donned a Santa Claus costume one December afternoon, chanting "Ho ho ho!" and emphasizing the friendly Christmas cheer to nearly every female customer that entered the franchise.

"He seems to like to spread his message to women, especially," Mulberry said, and reported claims of Cohen reminding female customers to receive regular mammograms to lessen fears that cancerous "and cantankerous" growths could be forming in their "pectoralis Major".

Cohen doesn't forget children and teenagers, according to Bonnie Smith, resident and mother of two. Smith was shopping in the Borders when an encounter with "Cohen" made her children's afternoon "one they would never forget."

"He basically told my five year-old son that Santa Claus wasn't real and that Jesus died a slow and painful death on the cross for his sins. [Cohen] also told him that if he didn't remember Jesus this Christmas, the devil had already gotten to him and when he died, he'd spend an eternity raked across the 'infernal coals of hellfire,'" Smith said.

Still some don't appreciate Cohen's season offerings, and those - like Borders manager John Titor - have even threatened to summon police on several occassions.

"I've had to kick that guy out several times, but he keeps coming back. On the few occassions that he makes a purchase, it's usually to buy a People magazine with a personal check - and he doesn't fail to tell us that he plans to 'cum all over Paris Hilton's smug sense of satisfaction' to 'wipe out the fecal matter of her soul,'" Titor reported.

"This is a family store. We don't need this here."

When asked if he had other avenues to spread his holiday cheer, Cohen reported that he planned on visiting a desk clerk who labored at a local motel, followed by phoning police about a neighbor's car parked in front of his house to spy on him, and finally, would reconcile a scheduled visit to his local bar and grill to harass regular patrons with stories about his best friend John Lennon and their civic duties.

Music Lovers Wonder What Linkin Park Singer Has Done

Lyrical speculation leaves listeners mystified, confused

NEW YORK - After a nearly five-year hiatus, rock/rap hybrid outfit Linkin Park exploded back onto the rock scene in early 2007 with their sophomore comeback album, "Minutes to Midnight", which features the Top 40 single, "What I've Done."

The lyrics of "What I've Done" have done nothing short of perplexing and confusing music lovers across the nation, leaving thousands of listeners speculating just what it is that lead singer Chester Bennington "has done" that he can't "face himself" over.

"He says he can't face himself," Nassau County resident and Linkin Park fan, Jimmy Carter, 23, said. "I remember when they were new when I was in high school, [Linkin Park] lyrics really 'hit a chord', if you will, to my feelings - like when he sings 'I want to run away and never say good-bye.' But now, I just don't get it. What has he done? Become really famous and make millions of dollars off hit singles that many enjoy?"

The lyrics in question leave little clues to exactly what the singer is referring to. Musicologist and poet laureate Emilio Estevez lends his theory to the perplexed nation.

"Clearly, when [Bennington] sings, 'I can't face myself for what I've done', he may ultimately be confessing to a murderous crime of passion not unlike Neil Young's admission in 'Down by the River,'" Estevez said. "While it is uncommon in this generation of MTV pop to sing of anything but feelings of rage, anger and resentment, I applaud Mr. Bennington's 'noteworthy' nod to past musical influences."

Still, some listeners, like Youtube user 666sh1t4brains1369xxxoXo, dissent from Estevez' theory.

"The real lyrics are 'Erase myself for what I've done,' not 'face myself.' Get it right. That means, like, suicide," 666sh1t4brains1369xxx0X0 said. "Stupid old people. What, is suicide too real for them or something? It's out there. It's 2007, dumb-ass. Like, wake up."

As of press time, Bennington was playing polo at an exlcusive Hamptons country club with Howard Stern and his fiance, model Beth Ostroski, and could not be reached for comment.

Girlfriend's vegan kick "totally annoying," says area boyfriend

TINTON FALLS, New Jersey - Up until last week, Saundra Billings was a typical blue-blooded American who enjoyed watching Oprah, performing fellatio, and, of course, eating red meat.

Suddenly, that changed.

According to Billings' boyfriend, Tad Deucsh, Billings departure from "the norm" came last Thursday, when Billings suddenly announced that she no longer would ingest meat or meat products.

"She said she was some kind of vegan," Deucsh said. "Normally, I would find it sort of cute, but when we stopped off at Chili's for our weekly Sunday supper, suddenly she was like, too good to eat there or something."

Citing a diet solely comprised of only "organic" supplements, Billings refused to dine on the salads and other meat-less dishes at the popular eatery unless given notification that the menu item were "certified organic."

"I told her, 'Babe, this isn't McDonald's. You can't just have it your way. We're in a kind-of classy place here," Deusch said.

Billings then "stormed out" of the establishment, "totally embarrassing" Deusch in front of the fifteen-person Chili's wait staff.

"It was totally annoying. Like, the other day she wanted me to throw out my leather jacket, because it was made of 'cow.' I was like, so? I got this at Wilson's, Saundra. I'm not throwing out a high-quality jacket because some stupid no-meat kick you're on," Deusch reported.

Deusch said that a solution to "no-meat" clause must come to an end soon, or else.

"The other night, I was trying to be all romantic, so I told her I wanted her to chow on my sausage. She totally said no," Deusch reported.

As of press time, Billings was attending a PETA protest and was not available for comment. Sources close to Billings report that while she calls herself a strict vegetarian, Deusch does not know that she is "actually a big fan of fish tacos."

Quick Look: "Press and Seal" envelopes "huge disappointment" to area bill-payer

NEW YORK - Despite online banking programs, email, and even the facsimili machine, local man Peter Fisher enjoyed his monthly trips to the United States Post Office until last week.

Fisher, 39, was disappointed to learn that his local Staples replaced his Mead brand envelopes - the envelopes he had used for over twenty years - with the "Press-it, Seal-it" self-adhesive envelopes that boast "no licking required."

"Call me weird, but I really enjoyed licking the envelope before I sent a bill away. It was like giving the recipient a little piece of me when it was impossible for me to be present," Fisher said.

The new self-adhesive envelopes, which seal instantly and require the sender to simply peel off a tape covering the glue and seal the envelope shut by folding the flap, really "take the joy out of the bill-paying process," according to Fisher.

"I guess I could bank online from now on," Fisher said, "but then I can't see my postman Bill at the office every week when I go to buy stamps. He's such a nice guy. I'm sure he'd miss me."

Website lends support, reaffirmation for area hypochondriacs

CONNECTICUT - A website featuring listed ailments alongside their symptoms has now serviced over one million hypochondriacs, reaffirming their suspicions and supporting their fears.

Wedmd.com, a medical database of journal texts and lists upon lists of diseases, syndromes, and illnesses, has confirmed that their user base of Midwestern housewives, rural farmers, and scrupulous OCD sufferers has just reached one million.

"WebMD is proud to announce their one millionth visitor," the website announced in a press release Monday. "Our goal is to provide accurate, eye-opening information to the masses, and we strive to triple the number of visitors that we reach by this time next year."

Self-diagnosed AIDS patient Marty Connick, 43, of New Haven says that "WebMD has really assuaged my fears" by "explaining the symptoms exactly as I've been experiencing them"

It was when Connick read WebMD's description of symptoms associated with the oft-fatal Acquired Immuno-Deficiency Syndrome (AIDS) that it started to really started to sink in.

"I've had headaches and sore throats, just like the website says," Connick reported. "Occasionally, I will experience numbness and wake up with night sweats."

Connick, despite not seeking treatment from his primary care practitioner, says that he is determined to keep his AIDS from "getting him."

"By educating others who may notice similar symptoms, I urge them to consult their WebMD as well to ensure that this fatal disease will not take their lives, as I won't let it take mine," Connick, who also suffers from lymphoma, autism, and Legionnaire's Disease, said to the cashier at the Broad Street Starbucks.

Everyone thinks man at 132 Cardinal Drive is gay

RHEADNEK, Wi. - Despite the local job depression, a floundering municipal economy, and the end of Happy Hour at Steve's Bar and Grill, everyone on Cardinal Street is concerned that they "might have a gay" in their midst.

"I tell you, that Steve [McDonald] is one of them queers," local trucker and the "definitely not gay" Bill Richards said in an interview with the Dissociated Press. "Look at his lawn. There's one of them ornaments on it... and he doesn't even have no woman [sic] living there!"

Richards, who is married to his wife of 32 years, says that he owes his rotund figure and years of "living the right life" to settling down with a woman, "not a man."

"It ain't right," Richards claims.

Richards wife, Carol, a doll factory laborer, backed up her husband's claims - even going so far as to say as she tried to seduce him once, just to see if the rumors were true.

"I tell you, he did not act the least bit interested," Mrs. Richards said, serving herself a heaping pile of dinner sausage.

"What man wouldn't want a woman in his life to cook and clean and service his special needs?" Mrs. Richards added with a wink as Richards gave his wife's gelatinous ass a squeeze.

Neighbor Pat Thomas says that while McDonald is "such a nice young man", helping out the elderly and even helping her rake her yard last fall, there is "something not quite right with him."

"He ought to meet a nice girl and settle down - he must be at least 32 now. You know, he makes a nice living as a hairdresser, dresses sharply, and always minds his manners," Thomas reported.

When asked if she believed McDonald was homosexual, Thomas replied, "A gay? No, don't be silly. Why, the gays only exist in movies and Satanic congregations."

Still, neighbor and sometimes roommate Bobby Billings disagrees with the rumors.

"[McDonald] is the man. He is ... a sexual god," Billings said, denying to elaborate, except to say that he "truly admired" McDonald.

McDonald, who was rumored to be traveling "on business", was last seen "fucking the living piss" out of two cocktail waitresses and an Asian hooker and was not available for comment.

Dr. Faustus opts out of contract with devil

HELL - It's been a tumultuous eternity in hell for Dr. Johann Faustus. But in the wake of the daily grind of damnation, Dr. Faustus has decided to opt out of his contract, following the advice of attorney Johnny Cochran.

Cochran broke the news to the devil Sunday night, saying the decision not to follow through on the remainder of his contract was because Faustus was uncertain about the levity of his deal, as his quest for the "zenith of human happiness" could be better met through other resources.

Jesus reportedly offered the erstwhile doctor a "pretty resounding offer" to serve as a prophet in his absence for the upcoming apocalypse. The former dirty dealer, who is valued as an intellect and leader, is expected to make an announcement Tuesday.

Cochran didn't even meet with Satan, and instead left him a message on his voice mail.

Upon hearing the news, Satan took a page out of former master God's book when he spoke to the Dissociated Press.

"It's clear he didn't want to be damned. He doesn't understand the privilege of making a lucrative deal with me.... on terms where I'm willing to pay my end of the bargain with riches, fame and the like, I expect the same on his end. I don't want anybody in hell that didn't deserve to be here. But I'm not gonna back down. Jesus is not going to be able to pay him what I can, and if he thinks there's greener pastures elsewhere, then it's goodbye."

But while hell is ready to move on, some demons this morning are having a hard time.

"This is bullshit," Asmodeus, Satan's executive assistant for four consecutive millenia, said. "A deal's a deal. We give you what you want, you give us your soul. I never heard of anything so ridiculous. The contract is binding, and, as I told Lucifer, we should take out the opt-out clause in all future dealings."

So what does this all mean? Faustus is now a free soul. Let the bidding war begin.

Local liver claims it "has had enough" of unhealthy relationship

Citing extreme abuse and neglect, despite his never-ending devotion to his life partner, the liver of local man Jim Garbo has "completely checked out", claiming it "has had enough of this horrible relationship."

Garbo's liver said the events of this past weekend were the final straw, and made it's decision "so much easier."

"I have finally seen the light, after he downed that 19th pint, I knew i had to get out of there. I can only filter so much blood at a time, but he doesn't care about that, it's always about him."

The liver says that, while the physical abuse was bad, the emotional trauma was so much worse.

"The bruising and swelling were bad," the liver said, "especially trying to make excuses to my friends. They probably think I'm some kind of super klutz, cause I don't know how many times I told them I 'fell down the stairs'. As bad as that was, though, nothing hurt more then the way I was taken for granted. I've done so much for him, like keeping hime alive, and not once was I ever thanked. I would've settled for a 'good job' once in a while, but I never even got that."

The spleen, a neighbor and close friend of the liver, has said the relationship went on longer than it ever should have.

"All those nights of yelling and fighting, just terrible. I've tried to tell liver many times to leave, but, well, I guess sometimes your emotions blind the reality of some situations."

It was learned that Garbo tried to reconcile, which the liver calls a "move of desperation."

"He know without me, he can't drink, that's all he cares about, not me. Well, as the song goes 'You don't know what you got till it's gone,' and I am definitly gone."

Garbo could not be reached for comment.

In Brief: "I want another baby," Halle Berry says

NEW YORK - In a shocking announcement setting the entertainment realm abuzz, actress Halle Berry lamented to Oprah Tuesday that she "wants another baby."

"I'm really sick of this one," the pregnant thespian said, patting her distended abdomen. "I just really, really want another one."

The "Mets suck", according to everyone

NEW YORK - In a final blow to that mutant breed of Mets fans, the catastrophic collapse of Tom Glavine yesterday gave the Mets a plane ticket home instead of the postseason, giving everyone in the world a free pass to say how much they fucking suck.

"You know what? Now's a better time than ever to jump ship to a good team like the Yankees," said Barbara Billings, a 43 year-old accountant from Staten Island. "But then again, Mets fans get off on losing and just come out of the woodwork whenever their team does well - so I guess it's just better to keep them underground where they'll breed their insidious species for next year."

While Mets fans across the board are "saddened" and "sickened" by this unexpected flop, everyone else couldn't be happier.

"I'm so glad I won't have to deal with those motherfuckers at the bar this postseason," avid Yankee fan and frequent drinker Thomas Jefferson said. "I'm so sick and tired of looking at their stupid faces with their stupid hats and listening to their stupid comments about their stupid, sucky team. What do they have against the Yankees? That they actually win?"

While Mets fans argue that the Queens-based franchise doesn't have the payroll or the ability to draft all-stars like their crosstown rivals, the New York-based Citibank's CEO, Jeff Curro, believes differently.

"Well, we did pretty much hand them $4.3 billion," Curro said. "If that's not a lot of money, I don't know what is."