"You got me. I'm the Antichrist," Obama says

WASHINGTON - Democratic Presidential hopeful Senator Barack Obama announced Tuesday that he was, in fact, the prophesized antichrist come to charm followers to fight an apocalyptic war against his heavenly opponents.

Sen. Obama, who has up until now concealed his true identity, finally came clean at a Capitol building press conference to thank his followers for putting their blind trust in him.

"It is because of you," Sen. Obama said, "that has undeservedly catapaulted me this far into the spotlight. Now I can truly control the fate of the world through my evil special interest plans and idealistic, unrealistic economic goals so that you will all have to truly buy and sell under the number [of the beast]."

Sen. Obama promptly lifted his shirt sleeve to reveale the numeral "616" plastered onto his left forearm, inked with human blood.

"When the world opens up, you're all coming into the lake of fire with me, with a one-way ticket on my white horse of death," Sen. Obama added with a wink before popping a the cork off of a $200 bottle of champagne and raising it to the cheering crowd.

"This one's for you and the New World Order - under my command!"

Jesus Christ, Sen. Obama's End of Ages rival, referred to the antichrist's botched attempt to turn an army of angels against God: "I would suggest that instead of running for President, he procure a position to gain some military experience first."

Christ added: "Besides, my father and I are voting for Hillary."

Financial Guru Offers Advice on How You, too, Can Become Rich Like Him for the Low, Low Price of $19.95

TALLAHASSEE - Financial guru Bill Swanson is offering lucky pupils the chance to learn how to make six figures this year so they can be "rich like him" for the "low, low price of only $19.95" - but only for the next ten minutes.

Swanson, who announced his philanthropic offer at 2:37am on channel 87, decided to set his price "for under $20", but only for the next ten minutes.

"You'll receive my book, a 90-minute how-to DVD and this beautiful fountain pen valued at $299 - all for just one low payment $19.95," Swanson said.

Co-host Susan Swimmer, who promoted Swanson's offer on the early morning program, added, "Act now, as this offer won't last."

Ethel Lipowitz, who lost all of her money and declared bankruptcy after entering a Publisher's Clearinghouse sweepstakes, opted to purchase Swanson's product in 2005, saying that "it looked like an honest-to-goodness opportunity that I just couldn't pass up."

"I knew I had to do something to make ends meet," Lipowitz, an 85 year-old Bessemer, Ala. native, declared on Swanson's television program. "I bought Mr. Swanson's package and within a few weeks, I, too, was making over $7,000 a month."

Swanson added: "There you have it, folks. A testament by one of my satisfied customers. Act now."

Justin Timberlake adopts ferret

LOS ANGELES - Grammy winner, actor, producer, director and now ... pet-owner?

The versatility of Justin Timberlake extended into new avenues of human greatness when the former N'Syncer welcomed home a choleric ferret and allowed it to shit on the lower half of his face before a live taping of Madonna's Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction.

Timberlake, who tentatively named his new pet "Scruffy", said his decision to allow the pet to live and subsequently defecate on his chin will "ultimately propel him" into "great new heights" of even more undeserved acclaim - this time from animal rights groups and environmental activists.

"Mr. Timberlake's decision to allow Scruffy to make a home out of his own face is indeed the mark of a new era of altruism," PETA spokesman Ima Nimbisil told the Dissociated Press. "This is truly 'giving' back to the ecology that allows our earth to thrive."

"Perhaps Mr. Timberlake will start a new fashion trend with this statement," Nimbisil added with a wink. "A trend that says animals are beautiful and don't have to be killed to be worn as clothing items."

Timberlake, who closed his introductory speech at Monday night's induction ceremony, expressed: "Some people ask 'Where do I get off?' I was just a singer in a second-rate boy band from the late nineties. But look at all I've accomplished for, really, doing very little. I'm not 'just that guy' that got famous for writing that song about wrecking the shit out of Britney Spears that catapulted into worldwide fame for nothing.'"

After much applause, Timberlake exited the stage as Madonna accepted her accolades from the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Academy, adding that the ferret shit, "covered up the cloud of arrogance surrounding Madonna's overactive sense of self-worth."

Symbol

somebody told me this means something - what does it?

Douche Bag Loser Keeping Score on MLB Preseason games

HOUSTON - Douche bag dipshit loser Jared Fishman, 24, wants you to know that if there's an error this MLB preseason games, it won't go by unnoticed.

The stupid fuck began marking his scorecard this Monday after a barehanded catch by minor league Yankee shortstop who nobody even fucking heard of resulted in an first base safety.

"I can't believe they scored that an error!" that asshole Fishman exclaimed, nearly knocking over a can of Pepsi One as he jumped to his feet watching the game on MLB.tv on his fourteen inch low-resolution PC monitor.

"That was clearly an infield hit," Fishman the pansy-ass faggot reported, relaying that the ground ball driven to the shortstop, who wasn't Derek Jeter, on a high hop was "unstoppable" save for an "awesome" bare right-handed "quick-thinking" reflex catch.

"I could see maybe the officials could score that a throwing error," that fucking pussy Fishman explained to the Dissociated Press - who wanted to fucking strangle him everytime he opened his Dorito-encrusted mouth that he was surely going to wrap around some guy's cock later in the evening - "but it would've been a hit had [the shortstop] not made that incredibly flexible catch."

Fishman, who should totally kill himself and end his pathetic life, announced plans to continue watching the game for any walks, strikeout ratios, and RBIs before he headed to Yahoo! games to up his rating in their free chess tournament.

Yellow pill baffles area man

ONEONTA, Ala. - A single yellow capsuled pill baffled area man Jeff Bridges Monday.

"It was just lying there on my desk, and I thought, 'What is this for? Where did it come from?'"Bridges reported.

Bridges, who denies ever having come in contact with a "pill like it", scoured his memory for a good ten minutes, trying to figure out what use the pill could have.

"At first, I was thinking maybe it was a cold medicine tablet, but those usually come in plastic casing and look red. Then, I thought it might have been one of those diet pills, but the only ones I usually take have clear capsules and are powdered. So, I'm wondering what the fuck it could possibly be."

Bridges wondered if "[Tommy] Shaker left it here" after that "massive, bitching party we threw last week" but "nobody really does drugs like that", but it could've belonged to that "trashy strung-out scank that [John] Bishop brought - you know, the one everybody was laughing at."

A phone call to Bishop negated that theory, so Bridges theorized that it may have been a leftover vitamin from the nutritionaly regimen he put himself on "to get healthy" for a total of two and a half days.

Bridges, who decided to end the debate with the experiment approach, promptly swallowed the yellow pill and collapsed dead on his desk fifteen to twenty seconds later.

Area man "totally owes only $12.65" on $80 dinner bill

NEW YORK - Area man Frank Harmon sticks to his guns.

A Friday night dinner obligation with friends was no different as teh New York native "totally only owed $12.65" on the $87.79 check presented to their table at the end of the meal.

Harmon, who flirted heavily with the barmaid while waiting for a table, did cash out of the tab, and relied on friends and benefits to get most of their beers comped.

Harmon, believing he was "kind enough" to reserve a table that his friends waited for for three hours so they could "sit in this chick's section" because he claimed that they "totally banged and she'll totally hook us up", the full-price bill included all drinks and appetizers -- including refills that Harmon himself ordered over five times -- Harmon himself stuck to his guns and told them that the giving stopped there.

"I only owe $12.65. All I ordered was an appetizer."

Cell Phone Dies, Serial Killer Close Behind

NEW YORK - In an unexpected turn of events on Saturday, local woman Diane Cleary's cell phone ironically died while a criminally insane serial killer followed her.

"Holy shit!" Cleary screamed when realizing that the out-of-issue Nokia 3250 ten-key cell phone she held in her hand was out of "bars" on the black and white display screen.

Despite running at a rate nearly twice that of the serial killer's slow but brisk walk, the knife-wielding serial killer seemed to be "right behind" Cleary nearly every time she looked over her shoulder.

"It really was ironic," the serial killer reported with a chuckle. "I mean, it was about eight, maybe eight thirty when I tracked her down on what should have been a busy city street when she couldn't catch service. That would've really helped her call the authorities on me, but what are you going to do? Se la vie."

Cleary, who realized that her error in "running down an abandoned alleyway" instead of seeking shelter in one of the many storefronts, says that if she "had to do it all over again, I would've went into that Starbuck's. Maybe then I wouldn't have broken my leg while tripping over those wet newspapers in the abandoned alleyway."

T-Mobile, the faulty cell phone provider that could have perhaps saved Cleary a night of terror, released a statement defending their network: "T-Mobile is dedicated to continuous coverage in all network areas. Ms. Cleary's decision to opt for a cheaper, pay-as-you-go Nokia cell phone is her own fault in her fatal stabbing."

Larry Awesomestein!

Where's that vampire article I asked you to write?

Just wondering.


Love,
Christine

Super Tuesday: Bush wins everyone's vote in the world, reports Fox

George W. Bush can breathe a little easier.

Despite not appearing on any ballot ticket in any of the 24 states holding presidential primary elections today, Fox News has exclusively reported that current president George W. Bush is leading in all exit polls, even those not within the United States or on earth.

"This is God's will," Fox News correspondent Karl Rove said. "I know Jesus, God and even the Blessed Virgin all have endorsed Mr. Bush and all of the heavenly plane is following suit, as early exit polls indicate he is the uncontested winner of the 2008 Republican Presidential primary."

Early rumors indicated that the Virgin Mary would get behind the sole female candidate, Sen. Hillary Clinton, but those initial reports "were completely false," Rove said.

President Bush, who has taken liberties with the Constitution in the past, reportedly commented that "he doesn't care" if a president can only serve two consecutive terms, or that he doesn't even appear on the ballot, but "the fact of the matter is terrorists."

As of press time, alleged Bush endorser Jesus could not be reached for comment.