Guy casually sets beer on table full of girls at a bar

EDISON - Some guy just totally came over and set his beer casually on the tabletop of a group of four girls despite not having an invitation to sit or even stand in their location.

The guy, who was not hot, just like, started making conversation even though he was a total stranger and all the girls wanted to get with another guy at a table next to theirs that was totally cute.

"Where are you girls from?" the guy asked, even though not one of them responded and each of them looked the other way, rolling their eyes because he was seriously annoying.

The cute guy at the other table, who probably had a girlfriend because he was making out with this chick, didn't notice that some guy just c-blocked them like that.

Jared Padelecki receives prestigious acting achievement award

LOS ANGELES - Lights are flashing, the red carpet's rolled and the champagne is flowing on one of the most exciting nights in Hollywood.

The biggest winner of the night was by far Jared Padalecki, who took home the coveted "Most Prolific Actor in the Field of Obscure Teenage-Geared Dramas on the CW" Thursday for his countless efforts in over 700 teenage dramas on the CW network that continually fail to catapault him into the spotlight despite how good he looks in that tank top in some show.

Padalecki, who starred in a program about demons or ghosts or some shit, and, most notably, one about some chick that doesn't shut the fuck up, said this upon receiving his award: "I'd like to thank the CW producers for continuing to believe in me throughout the years and casting me in over 700 programs in their catalogue. I'd also like to thank all of those other people who opted to watch my show instead of the insanely popular 'Grey's Anatomy', which falls into the same time slot."

"I consider myself blessed," Padalecki spoke. "Despite having been in so many television programs, I still evade the negative attention the paparazzi and fun sites like perezhilton.com can bring. In fact, I seem to slip through the cracks in everyone's conscience."

"I'm here, just so you know."

Padalecki said he plans to show off his acting achievement award to friends and hopes that perhaps producers from other networks - or even movie studios - might be interested in hiring him for work once his contract expires.

Admitting that he "wasn't quite sure" what the word "prolific" meant, Padalecki still has faith in his ability.

"I'd really like to play Jesus," Padalecki told the Dissociated Press. "I really think I can pull it off. You know, I've played [a long list of similar characters] and I think my award speaks for itself in terms of my acting ability."

Colleague and "Most Prolific Actor" nominee Chad Michael Murray isn't discouraged by his loss to Padalecki.

"Hey, whatever, good for him," Murray told the Dissociated Press at the Tiger Beat after-party.

"I still get way more pussy than him."

Bin Laden to EU: "I need to get laid really bad"

CAIRO, Egypt (DISSOCIATED PRESS) - Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden, who has grown into some obscurity since American Idol returned to the airwaves, resurfaced Wednesday afternoon like his usual douche bag self to offer a message to the European Union.

Armed with an AK-47 rifle and suggestively stroking the barrel as he gazed into the camera, bin Laden vowed that "punishment" would be owed for "sins" against Islam.

Bin Laden, referring to a two-year old incident involving animations of the Muslim prophet Mohammed, said a bunch of gibberish that reflected the Book of Revelations and some other irrelevant religious stuff thatmade it very clear to EU representatives what kind of punishment bin Laden was seeking about three minutes into the vidotaped message.

In a surprising deviation to his usual anti-American and anti-European bullshit, bin Laden said: "I've been a bad boy... and I need a spanking."

EU spokesman Eliot Offin, who interpreted the videotaped message told the Dissociated Press: "It's become quite apparent bin Laden - who cited a two year old incident - has been living under a rock all this time - of all the places we didn't look."

"Going that long without pussy - well, that's enough to make any man crazy."

Relationship expert Dr. Dru examined the videotaped message.

"There are clearly quite a few things he's doing wrong," Dr. Dru said. "Women are attracted to money and power. But that watch and that horrible beard? It screams 'poverty.'"

Dr. Dru added that his lack of technological resources could also inhibit bin Laden's ability to "get laid."

"Videotapes? Seriously? It's 2008. We're in an age of digital media, bin Laden. Next time you want to release a message to the world, please use a higher quality format," Dr. Dru said.

Dr. Dru, who dismissed queries regarding bin Laden's fanatical ideological stance as a hindrance to the opposite sex, cited convicted serial killer Ted Bundy.

"Now [Ted Bundy] was a charmer. But still, Bundy didn't express his sadist desires to the women he dated. No, he hid this part of his character until the very end. I would suggest bin Laden relax and stop all this killing nonsense," Dr. Dru reported.

"After all, women like a sensitive man."

"You got me. I'm the Antichrist," Obama says

WASHINGTON - Democratic Presidential hopeful Senator Barack Obama announced Tuesday that he was, in fact, the prophesized antichrist come to charm followers to fight an apocalyptic war against his heavenly opponents.

Sen. Obama, who has up until now concealed his true identity, finally came clean at a Capitol building press conference to thank his followers for putting their blind trust in him.

"It is because of you," Sen. Obama said, "that has undeservedly catapaulted me this far into the spotlight. Now I can truly control the fate of the world through my evil special interest plans and idealistic, unrealistic economic goals so that you will all have to truly buy and sell under the number [of the beast]."

Sen. Obama promptly lifted his shirt sleeve to reveale the numeral "616" plastered onto his left forearm, inked with human blood.

"When the world opens up, you're all coming into the lake of fire with me, with a one-way ticket on my white horse of death," Sen. Obama added with a wink before popping a the cork off of a $200 bottle of champagne and raising it to the cheering crowd.

"This one's for you and the New World Order - under my command!"

Jesus Christ, Sen. Obama's End of Ages rival, referred to the antichrist's botched attempt to turn an army of angels against God: "I would suggest that instead of running for President, he procure a position to gain some military experience first."

Christ added: "Besides, my father and I are voting for Hillary."

Financial Guru Offers Advice on How You, too, Can Become Rich Like Him for the Low, Low Price of $19.95

TALLAHASSEE - Financial guru Bill Swanson is offering lucky pupils the chance to learn how to make six figures this year so they can be "rich like him" for the "low, low price of only $19.95" - but only for the next ten minutes.

Swanson, who announced his philanthropic offer at 2:37am on channel 87, decided to set his price "for under $20", but only for the next ten minutes.

"You'll receive my book, a 90-minute how-to DVD and this beautiful fountain pen valued at $299 - all for just one low payment $19.95," Swanson said.

Co-host Susan Swimmer, who promoted Swanson's offer on the early morning program, added, "Act now, as this offer won't last."

Ethel Lipowitz, who lost all of her money and declared bankruptcy after entering a Publisher's Clearinghouse sweepstakes, opted to purchase Swanson's product in 2005, saying that "it looked like an honest-to-goodness opportunity that I just couldn't pass up."

"I knew I had to do something to make ends meet," Lipowitz, an 85 year-old Bessemer, Ala. native, declared on Swanson's television program. "I bought Mr. Swanson's package and within a few weeks, I, too, was making over $7,000 a month."

Swanson added: "There you have it, folks. A testament by one of my satisfied customers. Act now."

Justin Timberlake adopts ferret

LOS ANGELES - Grammy winner, actor, producer, director and now ... pet-owner?

The versatility of Justin Timberlake extended into new avenues of human greatness when the former N'Syncer welcomed home a choleric ferret and allowed it to shit on the lower half of his face before a live taping of Madonna's Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction.

Timberlake, who tentatively named his new pet "Scruffy", said his decision to allow the pet to live and subsequently defecate on his chin will "ultimately propel him" into "great new heights" of even more undeserved acclaim - this time from animal rights groups and environmental activists.

"Mr. Timberlake's decision to allow Scruffy to make a home out of his own face is indeed the mark of a new era of altruism," PETA spokesman Ima Nimbisil told the Dissociated Press. "This is truly 'giving' back to the ecology that allows our earth to thrive."

"Perhaps Mr. Timberlake will start a new fashion trend with this statement," Nimbisil added with a wink. "A trend that says animals are beautiful and don't have to be killed to be worn as clothing items."

Timberlake, who closed his introductory speech at Monday night's induction ceremony, expressed: "Some people ask 'Where do I get off?' I was just a singer in a second-rate boy band from the late nineties. But look at all I've accomplished for, really, doing very little. I'm not 'just that guy' that got famous for writing that song about wrecking the shit out of Britney Spears that catapulted into worldwide fame for nothing.'"

After much applause, Timberlake exited the stage as Madonna accepted her accolades from the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Academy, adding that the ferret shit, "covered up the cloud of arrogance surrounding Madonna's overactive sense of self-worth."

Symbol

somebody told me this means something - what does it?

Douche Bag Loser Keeping Score on MLB Preseason games

HOUSTON - Douche bag dipshit loser Jared Fishman, 24, wants you to know that if there's an error this MLB preseason games, it won't go by unnoticed.

The stupid fuck began marking his scorecard this Monday after a barehanded catch by minor league Yankee shortstop who nobody even fucking heard of resulted in an first base safety.

"I can't believe they scored that an error!" that asshole Fishman exclaimed, nearly knocking over a can of Pepsi One as he jumped to his feet watching the game on MLB.tv on his fourteen inch low-resolution PC monitor.

"That was clearly an infield hit," Fishman the pansy-ass faggot reported, relaying that the ground ball driven to the shortstop, who wasn't Derek Jeter, on a high hop was "unstoppable" save for an "awesome" bare right-handed "quick-thinking" reflex catch.

"I could see maybe the officials could score that a throwing error," that fucking pussy Fishman explained to the Dissociated Press - who wanted to fucking strangle him everytime he opened his Dorito-encrusted mouth that he was surely going to wrap around some guy's cock later in the evening - "but it would've been a hit had [the shortstop] not made that incredibly flexible catch."

Fishman, who should totally kill himself and end his pathetic life, announced plans to continue watching the game for any walks, strikeout ratios, and RBIs before he headed to Yahoo! games to up his rating in their free chess tournament.

Yellow pill baffles area man

ONEONTA, Ala. - A single yellow capsuled pill baffled area man Jeff Bridges Monday.

"It was just lying there on my desk, and I thought, 'What is this for? Where did it come from?'"Bridges reported.

Bridges, who denies ever having come in contact with a "pill like it", scoured his memory for a good ten minutes, trying to figure out what use the pill could have.

"At first, I was thinking maybe it was a cold medicine tablet, but those usually come in plastic casing and look red. Then, I thought it might have been one of those diet pills, but the only ones I usually take have clear capsules and are powdered. So, I'm wondering what the fuck it could possibly be."

Bridges wondered if "[Tommy] Shaker left it here" after that "massive, bitching party we threw last week" but "nobody really does drugs like that", but it could've belonged to that "trashy strung-out scank that [John] Bishop brought - you know, the one everybody was laughing at."

A phone call to Bishop negated that theory, so Bridges theorized that it may have been a leftover vitamin from the nutritionaly regimen he put himself on "to get healthy" for a total of two and a half days.

Bridges, who decided to end the debate with the experiment approach, promptly swallowed the yellow pill and collapsed dead on his desk fifteen to twenty seconds later.

Area man "totally owes only $12.65" on $80 dinner bill

NEW YORK - Area man Frank Harmon sticks to his guns.

A Friday night dinner obligation with friends was no different as teh New York native "totally only owed $12.65" on the $87.79 check presented to their table at the end of the meal.

Harmon, who flirted heavily with the barmaid while waiting for a table, did cash out of the tab, and relied on friends and benefits to get most of their beers comped.

Harmon, believing he was "kind enough" to reserve a table that his friends waited for for three hours so they could "sit in this chick's section" because he claimed that they "totally banged and she'll totally hook us up", the full-price bill included all drinks and appetizers -- including refills that Harmon himself ordered over five times -- Harmon himself stuck to his guns and told them that the giving stopped there.

"I only owe $12.65. All I ordered was an appetizer."