Actress Marlee Matlin: "I'm tired of being typecast"

HOLLYWOOD - Oscar winning actress and advocate for the hearing-impaired Marlee Matlin told the Celery Stalk at the 'Sound of Silence' press junket that she's "tired of being typecast" into "deaf roles."

"That's all I play - deaf characters," Matlin said through a sign language interpreter. "I can't tell you how many times my agent gets a call for another character - and they're all deaf! I can play other types of characters, you know. I have an Oscar."

When asked how her inability to speak could possibly hinder her quest for non-deaf character work, Maitlin responded: "I could play a mute - I do know sign language, you know."

Other suggestions Matlin had for casting directors were roles such as "X-ray Technician", "Telepathic Alien", and "Interpreter for the Hearing-Impaired."

"That last one is my favorite," Matlin said. "I could play an interpreter for the hearing-impaired who realizes that the people she interprets for don't actually know American Sign Language, but British Sign Language! There's an endless list of plot twists and dilemmas to make for a great made-for-TV movie or 'Curb Your Enthusiasm' episode."

Cigarette arraigned on murder charges

SACRAMENTO - The Office of the District Attorney of Sacramento detained cigarettes for questioning Saturday on suspicion of the murder of area man Richard Phelps, 89.

The cigarettes, who have several assault and battery convictions and have been questioned in the murders of multiple middle and senior-aged individuals, did not appear to waver, according to sources.

"The cigarettes appeared calm during the entire arraignment process," an unnamed District Attorney official, speaking on condition of anonymity, told the Dissociated Press. "I'd even go so far as to say he was 'smooth'. Just a pleasure - really de-stressed us around here."

The cigarettes face a second-degree murder indictment in the case of Phelps, and could possibly be arraigned in the deaths of countless other individuals, including 87 year-old Gary Tiller, who died last year from a combination of cigarette-smoking and being hit by a bus.

Advocates for the cigarettes decry officials' detainment of the cigarette, calling it "a cop-out" that suits the cigarette as a "scapegoat."

At a protest rally at the state capitol building, protesters held signs and shouted, "Free Cigarettes!"

While the rally did inspire some unwanted company - individuals who clearly did not understand the message or the "levity of the situation"- it gave concerned citizens a podium in which to voice their opinions.

"We're not saying the cigarette didn't kill those other people - but it didn't kill [Richard] Phelps, and it most certainly didn't kill [Tiller]," Cigarettes Advocate planner Raymond DeSantos said. "To frame cigarettes as the sole killer in those deaths - when it was mainly years of an extremely poor, high-cholesterol diet and a drunken bus driver that contributed to the deaths of those gentlemen, respectively - is morally irresponsible and drags cigarettes' good-natured name through the mud."

The "Free Cigarettes" campaign is expected to last through the arraignment process, and probably further, if the cigarettes are indicted.

However, Anti-Cigarettes advocates, the "Truth" campaign, are hoping the case will shed light on putting this criminal behind bars, "once and for all."

"We won't rest until cigarettes are stopped," Stephanie Morris, self-proclaimed radical and NYU junior, said. "They won't 'smooth'-talk us with their naturally calming effect. There are billions and billions of people that cigarettes have killed. Just look at our totally not made up statistics that contribute to federally funded PSAs that are plastered over prime-time programming geared toward teens that only make kids more curious to smoke than not."

Still, the DA's office hopes the "civil unrest" over the cigarettes matter will come to an end.

"Only time will tell (if the crowd will simmer)," the unnamed DA official said. "Likewise, it's so hard to say today if something like the cigarettes case is goign to do much harm or good to society until fifty, maybe sixty years down the line. I'm pretty sure that his long rap sheet is not going to help his case, nor is the fact that if he is guilty, he seems to select individuals who are older and have predisposed genetic or extremely harmful environmental factors contributing to their demise - though most people refuse believe that."

"Besides, we are looking into another possible suspect - radon."

Area Employee Dreams Big

PHOENIX - Like most Americans, 32 year-old regional sales associate Leonard Fisher has opportunist dreams of one day owning a large house with a white picket fence, starting a happy family, and having the ability to tell his dipshit boss to "go fuck himself."

Citing a recent incident, "among many", that involves Fisher's supervisor, Bill Evans, "coincidentally forgetting" instructions and "wasting hours of my time" when "backtracking" on this "fucking Olsen account", Fisher simply smiled and told Evans he'd "get right on it", all the while dreaming of Evans being devoured by thousands of ravenous piranhas.

Fisher, who has yet to tell his boss "to bend over" and take a "long, fleshy cock" up his "fat ass", told the Dissociated Press that he "can't wait for the day to tell that douche bag (Evans) to shove a rod in it," referring to the aforementioned posterior region.

"Evans is such a dipshit," Fisher said. "God, I can't tell you how many times I dreaded him coming into my office, asking how my weekend went and then listening to a fifteen-minute diatribe about how his 'fantastic' weekend was. In reality, though, I'm guessing he spent most of it sitting in his basement drinking Yellow Tail and listening to Bad Company records while his fat, ugly wife nagged him about cleaning the gutters."

While stating that he usually just "smiles and nods" while Evans speaks, Fisher says that he usually daydreams about "slashing the tires on Evans' shitty C-class Mercedes" or "fucking Evans' fat wife seven ways to Sunday" just for the "sheer thrill."

Even so, Fisher admits that it'll be a "long while" before he lives out his dreams.

"I keep playing the lottery every week - not for the money so much as for the chance to tell Evans what a fucktard piece of shit he really is."

Ross Perot: "I can't believe this fucking guy"

WASHINGTON - Former Independent presidential candidate Ross Perot had some harsh words Tuesday about this year's presidential primaries.

"Back when I was running for President - those were simpler times," Perot told the Dissociated Press, referring to his failed run for the White House sixteen years ago, in 1992. "You didn't have all this mayhem running about - you know, who is black, who is white, who is a woman, who is not. I was anti-war the first time, and am again this time - I don't change my mind. Secondly, had a plan to single-handedly balance the federal budget crises, and you guys swoon over this friggin' Barack Obama - who thinks if he smiles and points enough, we can all band together in harmony to solve the world's problems, despite the fact that most of us are not seriously educated in a political realm?"

"The fact of the matter is that this Barack Obama, just waltzes into the Senate two years ago and suddenly decides to run for President. I seem to recall him picking up my dry cleaning at a bipartisan conference in 2005 - next thing you know, he's barging into board meetings and putting in his two cents."

"I can't believe this fucking guy," Perot added.

Perot likened a potential Obama presidency to "enlisting a blind man to draw a street map - he might try his damndest, but in the end, all you have is a bigger mess."

Asking, "just who the fuck does [Obama] think he is" , Perot then addressed a small crowd of Obama supporters to name just one thing that Obama promised he would "change."

"He says he's going to 'change' all these things. What is he going to change? The weather? Oh, right. His magic 'I'm going to fix poverty' thing and the amendment to Family Leave - okay, Obama, whatever you say. Um, but just to ask - where is this money coming from? What funds are corporations going to dip into or what organizations will they implore to pay for your fairy tale plans? What's next? Awarding grants to agricultural developers to conjure up some beanstalk beans so we can all climb to Heaven for a fun family vacation? I beseech you, all of you - name one fucking thing he is going to change!"

The crowd stood silent for several minutes before throwing fast food, bottles and old newspaper trash and shouting terms such as, "Racist!" and "Bigot!" at Perot.

Sylvia Browne realizes dream of growing talons

NEW YORK - Sylvia Browne, renowned psychic and expert on topics that cannot be verified by natural science, realized her "lifelong" dream of growing large, impressive talons to wow a sizeable audience with at her most recent taping of the Montel Williams Show.

A female member of the audience stood up and bravely spoke into a staffed microphone and asked a question on her mortality, as is customary in the show.

Browne, 102, unveiled her lengthy claws to a gasping crowd about thirty-five minutes into the taping. Host Williams, who laughed and slapped his knee as Browne prophesized, "You'll die in about fifteen minutes", said that Browne was "a piece of work."

"It just goes to show, ladies and gentlemen, that no matter how old you get, you can still find humor in life," Williams said to his largely female audience, who laughed politely along with Williams despite the fact that a majority had accidentally urinated in their seats.

"Those are pretty long, girl!" Williams added with exclamation.

Browne then shifted in her seat and replied, "Montel, I've done it all in this life. But there was one thing that even I, as amazing as I am, couldn't do. But today, I've done it- I've attained these talons that I've wanted ever since I was a little girl with an amazing gift."

The proclamation was met with lengthy applause and cheers from the audience.

Browne, whose talons then retracted into her fingertips, continued to answer questions with vague, yet deceptively intriguing, answers on a number of queries which included the names of audience members "spirit guides", angels, and who they were in past lives - something that no one else in the world could ever do before.

"Isn't she amazing?" Williams asked, before breaking for a commercial. "When we come back, we'll meet a woman who says that her answering machine may be a portal to the other side. Stick around and find out."

Dramatic effect achieved with aid of "Star Wars" soundtrack

HARRISBURG - Area man Richard Pelson, a 44-year old Harrisburg native successfully admitted to his wife of nineteen years that he wanted a divorce, with the aid of a mix tape of Star Wars orchestral compositions.

"In the movies, the actors sometimes need the help of symphonized scores to emote the scene. I think Star Wars does a splendid job of doing that - seeing as how the music serves as the only clue in those movies about how you should feel," Pelson said.

Pelson, who pressed play on his Sony CFD-E100 Cassette Stereo to play Darth Vader's Imperial March entrance music when wife Linda entered the couple's living room, figured that she'd "get the point."

"She really hit the wall after menopause last year. I was really wanted to suggest she wear a mask - much like Darth Vader's - to cover up her hideous beard, but then I thought - her fat ass'll never fit into the body suit. Divorce'll be much easier."

Linda Pelson continued to vacuum the floor, ignoring Pelson's subtle criticism. That's when Pelson knew he had to step up his efforts.

"I started to play the track from when Luke and Princess Leia talk about their parents on Endor - you know, in Return of the Jedi. I thought maybe, since it was a family moment, she would pay attention when I said I wanted a divorce - I thought it might soften the blow, because it's such an emotive score."

Linda Pelson, who withdrew from the room quickly, throwing vacuum cleaner bags and dust mops in Pelson's direction, did not immediately "give in" to the "feel of the beautiful musical composition," as suggested by the actors in the Star Wars movies.

"Remember when Lando betrayed Luke and turned them over to Darth Vader in the Empire Strikes Back? I followed her with that music, you know, admitting that I was a jerk for betraying our love - just so she'd feel better. But then, she's such a dumb bitch, I realized she probably never even saw [the Empire Strikes Back]," Pelson said.

Pelson, who admitted resorted to "drastic measures", decided to play the track of a more recent Star Wars film to help Linda relate.

"She may have seen Revenge of the Sith. God, I did not want to even include any part of that movie, but, for God's Sake - I needed to get it through her head somehow," Pelson said, adding that he aptly chose the track for the scene in which Anakin Skywalker strikes his wife before the final battle scene with mentor Obi-Wan.

"I thought she might be able to relate to the whole, you know, domestic problem thing," Pelson said.

"Apparently, not. I mean, Amygdala handled the situation with grace, quietly exiting back into the spacecraft even though she was going into labor. Linda, though? Linda threw my clothes onto the front lawn. A chipmunk made a toilet out of one of my good work shirts."

When asked if he planned to use the Star Wars scores in the upcoming court proceedings, Pelson said that he "might use the Imperial March" one more time "when [Linda] entered" to "get the judge to understand" where he's coming from.

Guy casually sets beer on table full of girls at a bar

EDISON - Some guy just totally came over and set his beer casually on the tabletop of a group of four girls despite not having an invitation to sit or even stand in their location.

The guy, who was not hot, just like, started making conversation even though he was a total stranger and all the girls wanted to get with another guy at a table next to theirs that was totally cute.

"Where are you girls from?" the guy asked, even though not one of them responded and each of them looked the other way, rolling their eyes because he was seriously annoying.

The cute guy at the other table, who probably had a girlfriend because he was making out with this chick, didn't notice that some guy just c-blocked them like that.

Jared Padelecki receives prestigious acting achievement award

LOS ANGELES - Lights are flashing, the red carpet's rolled and the champagne is flowing on one of the most exciting nights in Hollywood.

The biggest winner of the night was by far Jared Padalecki, who took home the coveted "Most Prolific Actor in the Field of Obscure Teenage-Geared Dramas on the CW" Thursday for his countless efforts in over 700 teenage dramas on the CW network that continually fail to catapault him into the spotlight despite how good he looks in that tank top in some show.

Padalecki, who starred in a program about demons or ghosts or some shit, and, most notably, one about some chick that doesn't shut the fuck up, said this upon receiving his award: "I'd like to thank the CW producers for continuing to believe in me throughout the years and casting me in over 700 programs in their catalogue. I'd also like to thank all of those other people who opted to watch my show instead of the insanely popular 'Grey's Anatomy', which falls into the same time slot."

"I consider myself blessed," Padalecki spoke. "Despite having been in so many television programs, I still evade the negative attention the paparazzi and fun sites like perezhilton.com can bring. In fact, I seem to slip through the cracks in everyone's conscience."

"I'm here, just so you know."

Padalecki said he plans to show off his acting achievement award to friends and hopes that perhaps producers from other networks - or even movie studios - might be interested in hiring him for work once his contract expires.

Admitting that he "wasn't quite sure" what the word "prolific" meant, Padalecki still has faith in his ability.

"I'd really like to play Jesus," Padalecki told the Dissociated Press. "I really think I can pull it off. You know, I've played [a long list of similar characters] and I think my award speaks for itself in terms of my acting ability."

Colleague and "Most Prolific Actor" nominee Chad Michael Murray isn't discouraged by his loss to Padalecki.

"Hey, whatever, good for him," Murray told the Dissociated Press at the Tiger Beat after-party.

"I still get way more pussy than him."

Bin Laden to EU: "I need to get laid really bad"

CAIRO, Egypt (DISSOCIATED PRESS) - Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden, who has grown into some obscurity since American Idol returned to the airwaves, resurfaced Wednesday afternoon like his usual douche bag self to offer a message to the European Union.

Armed with an AK-47 rifle and suggestively stroking the barrel as he gazed into the camera, bin Laden vowed that "punishment" would be owed for "sins" against Islam.

Bin Laden, referring to a two-year old incident involving animations of the Muslim prophet Mohammed, said a bunch of gibberish that reflected the Book of Revelations and some other irrelevant religious stuff thatmade it very clear to EU representatives what kind of punishment bin Laden was seeking about three minutes into the vidotaped message.

In a surprising deviation to his usual anti-American and anti-European bullshit, bin Laden said: "I've been a bad boy... and I need a spanking."

EU spokesman Eliot Offin, who interpreted the videotaped message told the Dissociated Press: "It's become quite apparent bin Laden - who cited a two year old incident - has been living under a rock all this time - of all the places we didn't look."

"Going that long without pussy - well, that's enough to make any man crazy."

Relationship expert Dr. Dru examined the videotaped message.

"There are clearly quite a few things he's doing wrong," Dr. Dru said. "Women are attracted to money and power. But that watch and that horrible beard? It screams 'poverty.'"

Dr. Dru added that his lack of technological resources could also inhibit bin Laden's ability to "get laid."

"Videotapes? Seriously? It's 2008. We're in an age of digital media, bin Laden. Next time you want to release a message to the world, please use a higher quality format," Dr. Dru said.

Dr. Dru, who dismissed queries regarding bin Laden's fanatical ideological stance as a hindrance to the opposite sex, cited convicted serial killer Ted Bundy.

"Now [Ted Bundy] was a charmer. But still, Bundy didn't express his sadist desires to the women he dated. No, he hid this part of his character until the very end. I would suggest bin Laden relax and stop all this killing nonsense," Dr. Dru reported.

"After all, women like a sensitive man."

"You got me. I'm the Antichrist," Obama says

WASHINGTON - Democratic Presidential hopeful Senator Barack Obama announced Tuesday that he was, in fact, the prophesized antichrist come to charm followers to fight an apocalyptic war against his heavenly opponents.

Sen. Obama, who has up until now concealed his true identity, finally came clean at a Capitol building press conference to thank his followers for putting their blind trust in him.

"It is because of you," Sen. Obama said, "that has undeservedly catapaulted me this far into the spotlight. Now I can truly control the fate of the world through my evil special interest plans and idealistic, unrealistic economic goals so that you will all have to truly buy and sell under the number [of the beast]."

Sen. Obama promptly lifted his shirt sleeve to reveale the numeral "616" plastered onto his left forearm, inked with human blood.

"When the world opens up, you're all coming into the lake of fire with me, with a one-way ticket on my white horse of death," Sen. Obama added with a wink before popping a the cork off of a $200 bottle of champagne and raising it to the cheering crowd.

"This one's for you and the New World Order - under my command!"

Jesus Christ, Sen. Obama's End of Ages rival, referred to the antichrist's botched attempt to turn an army of angels against God: "I would suggest that instead of running for President, he procure a position to gain some military experience first."

Christ added: "Besides, my father and I are voting for Hillary."