Opium is awesome, study finds

BILOXI, Miss. – A new study released on Monday found that opium should be scheduled into a different class of illicit narcotics.

The six-week study, conducted by a panel of independent researchers, has substantiated the centuries-old speculation that the poppy-derived narcotic is “awesome.”

“Before this study, we had no certainty about how opium affected the user… Now we know for certain that opium should not be categorized with the Class 'Cool' or 'Great' drugs, when it is, in fact, really 'awesome',’” said Dr. Sidney J. Vicious of the International Center for Medicinal Research in a peer review of the study.

The researchers - a small, self-funded operation in the basement of Craig Tinker’s mom’s house in Biloxi – concluded their study after a weekend-long experience with opium.

Tinker, who headed the experiment, said the impromptu experiment began when colleague Robert “Pussy-lips” Fisher and then-girlfriend Angel Harris arrived at Tinker’s mother’s residence with the opium.

“We basically started popping the pills, and felt really awesome [as a direct result of ingesting the pills],” Tinker said in an interview with the Dissociated Press.

Tinker reported that they knew they “were on to something” when control subject Brett Thayer, who did not consume the opiates, didn’t feel as “awesome.”

“He was basically being a buzzkill,” Tinker said. “It was then that it clicked – opium is awesome.”

Tinker and the group submitted the findings of their study to Vicious – a friend and former co-worker at the Route 9 McDonald’s – and immediately began receiving renowned accolades from the medical community.

“These young men and women deserve the highest regard and recognition for these bold and courageous efforts to elevate mankind’s understanding and advance scientific discovery,” Vicious said.

While Vicious hinted at the team’s nomination for a Nobel Peace Prize, Tinker said the awards ceremony would have to wait until after the funeral of colleague Harris, who died during the experimental phase of the study.