Report: Area Woman Takes Eddie Money Up on His Offer

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. - An area woman has opted to accept Eddie Money's proposal, the erstwhile singer's lawyer said yesterday.

"Donna Richards, of Grand Rapids, chose to accept Mr. Money's carefully crafted proposal, originally drafted in a 1984 musical composition entitled 'Take Me Home Tonight,'" Money's lawyer, Sal Harding, said.

While the date of the "tonight" in question was not specifically identified in the song, the contractual obligation on the proposal is still open, Harding said, "without being voided."

Money told the Celery Stalk that he was "surprised" when Richards approached him about his proposal, citing that he was under the impression that the language of the text had expired.

"To be honest, I kind of forgot about it. I had given up long ago that someone would take me home tonight," Money said. "But, in light of the situation, I am considering redrafting my proposal entitled 'I Wanna Go Back' and submitting it to [Richards]."

Richards described the fulfillment of the proposal as "satisfactory", despite the fact that it has been open for over twenty years.

"The services rendered by Mr. Money completely satisfy the requirement. I would consider working with Mr. Money in the future," Richards said.

When asked about Money's previous legal problems, Richards said that she had no qualms about Money keeping his obligations.

"I know he was sued for exploitation after he promised two tickets to Paradise and took his girlfriend at the time to Fiji instead, but those were the wild and reckless eighties, and this is a whole new era."

Local Man Hates His Job

NEW YORK - In a breakroom tirade yesterday, a local man rattled an already shaky Wall Street with the claim that he hates his job.

Michael Connick, of the Garden City McDonald's on Route 87, told accounting technology engineer Victor Douglas that he "hated" his job and "didn't feel like doing shit" on Thursday.

"I was working the cash register in the drive-thru, and he just said he didn't feel like being [at McDonald's]," Douglas told the Celery Stalk.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average plunged 311 points following the announcement, amidst concerns that the an unenthusiastic approach to work could halt production rates and spread to other parts of the fast food industry sector.

The loss — the second largest of the year—is the most telling example of Wall Street’s increasing uneasiness.

"Mr. Connick's announcement comes as an extreme surprise. When we forecast this year's output, we had absolutely no idea of the magnitude of the general malaise and apathy of the fast food industry sector's driving labor force," said Goldman-Sachs chief financial analyst Robert Billings.

Investors sought refuge in the bond market, overemphasizing the volume and sending yield on the 10-year Treasury Bond to 4.79, down from 4.90 on Wednesday.

However, Billings reported that he is "positive" that the "fragile" economy will recover from the Connick claim, promising to eradicate all oversights of "that nature" for next year's forecast.

"I mean, what's next?" Billings joked. "You're going to tell me that the folks at the Home Depot Service Desk don't really know how to install a kitchen sink?"

Tom Cruise Finds Jesus, Converts Him to Scientology

In a shocking press release Thursday, the Church of Scientology announced the the biggest coup in the history of organized religion.

Jesus Christ is now a Scientologist.

An unnamed source within the Church of Scientology, speaking exclusively with The Celery Stalk, confirmed that The Son of God will be sworn in with a star-studded extravaganza aboard a DC-8 this weekend.

"Christ ran into (actor) Tom Cruise at an AIDS benefit hosted by Elton John in November. They both had a chuckle about how they were dubbed 'superstars', got to talking, and found out that they both had a lot in common," the source said. "Turns out both Tom and Christ's father have children through immaculate conceptions."

One thing "led to another," said the source, and soon Tom was preaching to Christ about the benefits of Scientology.

"[Christ] came back with colorful pamphlets, preaching about how anti-depressants, not greed, is the root of all evil, and how it takes practice to be a good housewife, just like it does to be a good stuntman," the source said.

"It really struck a nerve when he announced that he was annulling the Ten Commandments and instead issuing a list of gradients on the Bridge to Freedom."

The source continued to describe Christ's rapid transformation into Scientology's tresses, citing works from "Dianetics" and even greeting the Pope with a copy in hand.

"I was surprised when he told me that the Bible was full of lies to subdue the mind, and that the path to freedom was easily attained through monthly installments of only $795," the Pope told the Celery Stalk.

Still, all the universe is buzzing about Christ's pricey induction into the Church of Scientology.

"I was imprisoned in the Pyrenees 75 million years ago, but there was no way in fuck I'm going to miss this!", evil lord Xenu told the Disassociated Press. "This id going to be the biggest party since we arrived on Earth!"

Saturday night's in-flight welcome gala for Christ will cost upwards of $50 million and feature live performances by Rob Thomas, Brandy, and Beck, as well as resurrected greats Jimi Hendrix, The Doors, and Elvis Presley.

Host Tom Cruise had glowing words for Scientology's newest member: "It's amazing. I, uh, I had, uh, just spoken at a Narconon event and, uh, there he was," the Far and Away star told the Celery. "That night, Kate and I had him over for dinner and we all got along great. He even healed Suri's retardation. Thats when I knew we had to work together!"

There is no word yet on if Christ will take an executive role within the Church, but reportedly President Heber Jentzsch has been talking with The Church of Christ, Scientist about possible opportunities, and is rumored to make an announcement at the gala.

The gala's uber-exclusive list of invitees also included John Travolta, Kelly Preston, Leah Remini, and Danny Masterson.

Founder L. Ron Hubbard was not released from Hell for the event.

Princess Peach Latest 'Troubles' May Cost Her the Crown

Princess Peach of Mushroom Kingdom was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence after her Cloud Car struck a curb, and investigators found what they believe is cocaine at the scene, police said.


Peach, 41, and two residents of Mushroom Kingdom who wish to remain anonymous were in her 1998 Cloud Car GT when it crashed into a pole around 3:30 a.m. Saturday, Lieutenant Colonel Frank Slade said. It appeared Peach was speeding and swerving all over the road.


Officers at the scene found a "usable amount" of a drug tentatively identified as cocaine. Lieutenant Colonel Slade declined to say where the drug was found other than to say Princess Peach was not carrying it.

Officers received an emergency call about the accident and arrested Peach at the hospital for investigation of misdemeanor driving under the influence of alcohol or drugs. She was released from custody because she was admitted to the hospital, police said. Lieutenant Colonel Slade declined to comment on Peach's blood-alcohol level. He said the case will be presented to the Mushroom Kingdom District Attorney's Office where the princess could face more charges, including felonies. Her tentative arraignment date has not been scheduled at this time.

This incident was Peach's third brush with the law in the last year two years. The troubled, once widely respected princess was picked up for suspected prostitution in June of 2005 (She eventually was acquitted of the charges although Donkey Kong, who allegedly ran the prostitution ring, was sentenced to 5 years in prison). Peach had also been picked up on New Year's Day of this year for destroying public property with her Cloud Car while attempting to practice power-sliding for the next race in the Mushroom Cup circuit. She was fined and sentenced to 6 months of community service.

Peach's publicist had this to say regarding the incident: "Peach is going through a rough time at the moment. The trauma of being kidnapped several times by the Koopa family has finally gotten to her. Her savior, Mario, doesn't seem to care anymore and stays as far away as possible. She has no support system anymore, and thats sad being she was once so loved".

Rumors have been circulating that this incident may be the last straw and that the King may ask Peach to relinquish the crown. The King's spokesman was unavailable for comment.

Residents have already shown their disgust for the once-loved princess.

One Toad had the following to say: "She's a disaster. She was once one of the greats, but she let her own 'damsel in destress' drama completely comsume her and now she's worthless. I hope she will be removed as soon as possible".

Heaven "too much fun," Messiah says

In news that shocked the entire universe, Jesus Christ announced that he was cancelling his second-coming "indefinitely", citing that he was having "way too much fun up in heaven."

"The last 2000 years have been a blast!" exclaimed Christ, right before downing two shots of Cuervo. "Everyday is a party, and every party is totally kick-ass!"

Christ said that he had been set on Dec. 21 of this year to start phase one of his triumphant return to earth, but things didn't go as planned.

"December twenty-first is the day St. Josephus is having his Christmas party...and that is one party you do not want to miss. I mean, that dude always has the best music, the most slammin' girls around, and the best weed."

"I don' t know, kids will be kids, I guess," God replied when asked about his son's behavior. "I think this just may be a phase he is going through. I just hope it isn't his way of rebelling against me for that crucifixion, die for all their sins business I made him do."

When asked if he will be resurrecting his plans for the second-coming, Christ replied "I just don't know, man. Right now, I'm getting drunk, getting stoned, and getting laid. Life is good."

Shark Feasts on Human, Sparks Outrage

MAUI, Hawaii - Bailey Brown is not "off the hook."

The 45 year-old Pacific Ocean native had quite a "delicious lunch" when he feasted on unwitting PETA activist, Jenni Mauser, while she surfed near his home in the Buggy Sand Bar region off the Maui shore, moments before he swam over to tantalize a school of catfish.

The dine and dash routine is just the latest under the intense scrutiny of SETH (Sharks for the Ethical Treatment of Humans), and Brown is caught in the line of fire.

"Mr. Brown's actions are not only deplorable and irrevocable," SETH spokes-shark Gregory Hunt said, "but he has chosen to regress the advancement of our entire species by taking the life of an innocent being and turning her into a gratuitous sustenance."

Brown's consumption of human flesh has caused such an uproar that even the Atlantic chapter of SETH staged a protest Monday, chanting, "Humans are not food!"

Hunt said he "hopes" that "ties with (sister organization) PETA aren't strained" as a direct result of Brown's crude consumption.

PETA spokeswoman Ima Nimbisel, however, released today what she called an "encouraging" message to the press: "We need to let these animals live the lives that they deserve to live. No matter their rank on the commercialized and phallocentric food chain devised by the man, if a person's life is terribly inconvenienced, or -worse yet - lost, then let it be. What's important is that these innocent animals are held in the highest regard, and we have an inborn responsiblity to protect them. I'm saddened by the loss of our friend, but she has saved so many animals with her incredible spirit."

Brown doesn't seem phased by the actions, claiming that it his innate need to carnivorously feast on humans.

"Don't tell my wife, though. She's been after me to stop eating red meat," Brown said, waving his fins and baring his sharp teeth. "At least I didn't eat the skin."

******************
********************
*******************

Steaming Pile of Shit Wanted in Questioning for Woman's Murder

Carrsville, KY - A local man is in police custody immediately, just hours after he claimed to have seen a vision of the Virgin Mary in the upstairs bathroom toilet bowl.

Seamus McLough, 42, an Irish emigre, claimed to have spotted an image of the Virgin Mary immediately following a bowel movement on the morning of July 23, 2007.

Police Commissioner Don Fredrick reports that McLough then "rushed to get his camera to snap a picture of what he believed was a heavenly visit... from his rectum. During that period of time, the victim, Rose McLough, flushed the purported divinity down."

According to eyewitnesses, McLough screamed at his wife through the door before breaking it down and beating her.

Police arrived at the scene following frantic calls from neighbors and found what Fredrick described as a "devastating" and "grizzly" scene: a decapitated Rose lying bodyless on the kitchen floor in a pool of blood, a Gideon's Bible placed next to her severed head, with a scribbled note reading "You will rot in hell for what you've done" on pink stationery.

Immediately following the discovery of the victim, police found McLough at the scene of the Virgin sighting - the upstairs bathroom toilet bowl with a bottle of Jack Daniels in his hand.

When word reached about the Virgin Mary murder, acquaintances didn't doubt the validity of the crisis.

Neighbor Sandy Loman told the Celery Stalk: "(Seamus) McLough was always inviting us over for drinks to look at his pictures. He kept a photo album - a 'log', if you will - full of shit - each one, he claimed looked like somebody or other. Last week, he claimed he defecated the image of the late Ernest Borgnine."

Adam Copeland, McLough's unemployment officer, said: "He always kind of creeped me out. I'm not really at all surprised about the events. With him, it was definitely not an 'if', but a 'when.' Frankly, the only thing I can't believe was that this didn't happen sooner."

A Vatican spokesman declined comment regarding the validity of Mr. McLough's findings and the symbolism of the Bible's placed belong the deceased Rose McLough.

Police have yet to uncover the celestial culprit, but believe that it resides in the sewer systems beneath the F and G blocks of Carrsville's northwest corner.

If you have any information or have seen the Virgin Mary in your toilet, please call: (888) CARR-3332

Strange Smell on Airliner Linked to Flight Attendent's Vagina

Newark, NJ - A flight bound for Spokane, WA was grounded yesterday at Newark Liberty Int. airport, due to a pungent odor that engulfed the cabin, causing nausea and panic amongst passengers and crew.

"It was like death itself was paying us a visit," said passenger Jason McMichael. "I've never smelled anything that awful in my entire life, and I'm a garbage man."

Capt. Lars Holmstead immediately contacted airport security to report the situation.

Suspecting that the smell was evidence of chemical attack, both the FBI and Homeland Security were dispatched to the scene. Grounded passengers were forced to stay in the plane for 12 hours, while it was being searched and secured by FBI agents.

"We brought in highly trained chemical-sniffing dogs. But they couldn't find anything," said Special Agent George Presley. "We couldn't figure it out."

During the investigation, Agent Homer Licasso noticed flight attendant Kathy McCafferty acting strange.

"She was just sitting there, acting like nothing was wrong, almost like she was trying to hide something," Licasso said.

Licasso began questioning McCafferty, who at first denied knowing anything about the smell. After continuous questioning, McCafferty broke down and admitted that the smell was in fact emanating from her vagina.

At that point, the FBI summoned world-renowed gynocologist Dr. Harry Grabenznatch to investigate.

"It only took one whiff to know that this lady was suffering from the worst case of Bacterial Vaginosis I have ever come across," said Grabenznatch. "In my 32 years as a doctor, I thought I'd seen everything. But that was one rotten pussy."

McCafferty could not be reached for comment on her condition. The DP (Dissociated Press) has reported that she committed suicide following the incident.

Hilarious Joke Leads To Woman's Death

Astoria, OREGON - A barbecue held in the backyard of Astoria resident Bob Buchenwald served as the final resting place for party attendee Jill Malowitz, who choked to death on a spoonful of potato salad after hearing the punchline of a hilarious joke.

"It was one of my best jokes," said guest Ken White, the self-proclaimed "life of the party."

"It was a really funny joke," party host Buchenwald agreed. "Ken always has a good joke on hand, but this one took the cake."

When asked why no one helped the choking victim, Buchenwald replied, "We didn't know she was choking...[Malowitz] was a silent laugher. No sound, just an open mouth and body shaking. She always looked like she was choking when she laughed. When her face started to turn red, I just thought she was laughing really, really hard. Like I said, it was a funny joke."

In response to this incident, Congressman J. Randall Smith (R-Ore.)
issued the following statement: "This tragedy just further
proves that joking is no laughing matter. How many people must die
before we realize how dangerous humor really is?"

Rep. Smith stated that he was submitting a bill to Congress "seeking to severely limit how funny a joke can be in order for it to be spoken in public."

When asked about the severity of the law, Smith replied, "There are limits that just shouldn't be crossed, and the American public cannot be trusted to know what is good for them. That is why we elected officials create these laws, to force them onto a good moral path of our choosing."

But partiers like White realize the seriousness of a law that could be called a "laughing matter."

"I disagree with this law. I understand that someone died, but the violence should really stop there," White said, "because it would totally 'kill' my social life!"

White then proceeded to snap his fingers in the air twice before pointing his finger in gun-fashion at a reporter and asking her for her number.

Woman Sues Soft Drink Giant over Advertising Claims

Raleigh, NC - A 42 year-old housewife is reportedly taking on a massive soft drink giant, citing irreparable damages stemming from what she describes as a collusive "marketing scam" designed by the Atlanta-based Coca Cola company.


Roberta Williams of Raleigh,N.C. is suing Red Bull, Inc., claiming that the energy soft drink did not "give her wings" following initial consumption.

"My client's experience with the soft drink in question lies in stark contrast with the advertising claims made by the Coca Cola company and their subsidiary, Red Bull Inc.," Williams' lawyer, Sal Harding, stated in a press interview Wednesday.

The lawsuit was served last week, following a string of events that Williams deems "devastating."

"I dropped off my kids [sic] at school and stopped at the grocery store to pick up some supplies at dinner. I was exhausted from avoiding my husband the night before, so when I saw the advertisement display for the Red Bull energy drink, I thought I'd found the answers to all of my problems," Williams said. "This apparently wasn't the case."

Williams "waited for over two hours" to sprout her "wings", and by the time the Maury Povich show aired at noon, she had grown "impatient" and "tired of waiting."

"That's when I realized that I had 'been had' by the Red Bull company," Williams admitted.

The matter is scheduled to be heard in court on Monday, and, according to Harding, Williams is seeking no less than $4 million in punitive damages.

"Anything less would be an outrage," Harding said.

The Red Bull caffeinated energy drink hit shelves in 1998 and costs about $1.25 to purchase.