NEW YORK - While he's kept a pretty low profile in the past century, as secularism and materialism dominate the global sphere, Prince of Darkness and ruler of Hell, Mr. Lucifer Satan said that his plans for a catastrophic apocalyptic destruction to lure all living and dead souls into the dominion of hell for all eternity are "going swimmingly."
"Believe it or not, just because you haven't heard much about me doesn't mean it hasn't been going well," Satan told the Dissociated Press in a Monday phone interview. "In fact, it's going better than ever."
Satan, who thanks MTV and LSD for creating an "apathetic, atheist" society that worships false, earthen idols resulting in general malaise about God and morality has made it "easier than ever" to tempt unsuspecting souls into brimstone and fire.
"The fact that Americans, specifically, are driven by the greed and lust generally associated with a capitalist civilization - I mean, I don't even have to get up off my throne to get little Johnny to steal that new Kid Rock cd in the midst of the recession."
However, a little stealing charge isn't enough for eternal damnation, Satan admitted.
"It's really the Kid Rock thing that the Man Upstairs can't overlook. When he gave mankind freewill, he kind of expected them to have better taste. So, I've personally looked after Rock's success. You could kind of say I'm his biggest fan."
Satan, who expects to ink at least a thousand more soul-swapping contracts this afternoon for "a variety of useless, mundane human desires", is sure that when the Apocalypse occurs, his spawn will be ready for the battle.
"I just got a soul for a pack of cigarettes," Satan said, scoffing. "Cigarettes! Don't people know you can die of cancer ... sooner than later?"
No comments:
Post a Comment