"People who like jam band rock pretentious, douche-y", study says

WASHINGTON - An ongoing five-year study at the University of Washington revealed its astonishing findings Monday morning, surprising the scientific community and rocking the mainstream world.

Dr. Danny Tanner, lead principle of the federally-funded research assignment and director of the U. Washington Department of Social Sciences , announced the research findings at a press conference outside the Lincoln memorial highway.

"After an exhaustive five-year study, we've come to the conclusion that - while many walks of life contribute to our global and international societies mutually exclusively - people who listen to jam band music are by far the most pretentious and douche-y individuals to co-exist among us."

"They're just plain awful," he added, citing a double-blind experiment in which the jam band group was let outside for a cigarette with the variable, non-jam band-liking group.

Observing behavioral discrepancies, Dr. Tanner said the findings were "astounding."

"While the non-jam band group opted to smile gracefully and socialize with others while puffing on, say, a Marlboro Light, the jam-band group kept mainly to themselves, kicking their Chucks around annoyingly as they painstakingly rolled their own cigarettes by hand."

"At least they'll get cancer faster," Dr. Tanner added.

In another study, the participants of the study were asked to enjoy home-cooked barbecue food in a party simulation environment. Again, Dr. Tanner reported, the jam-band group continued to behave in an adverse and pretentious manner.

"Instead of chomping down on a juicy burger with all the fixins', the jam-band group predominantly chose to force down veggie Boca burgers with organic mustard on whole wheat, dairy and egg-free rolls."

"It's just obnoxious," he added.

Also surprising was the find that fifteen percent of the jam-band group sneered at the non-jam-band variable parties for enjoying a tasty meat patty. One, according to Dr. Tanner, went so far to reduce a girl in the variable group to tears by calling her a "cow-killing breeder."

Finally, the "piece de la resistance of the study" - according to Dr. Tanner - was themed as a socially normal concert setting. This study, Dr. Tanner said, is where his group finalized their conclusions.

"When we played popular music from the past two decades, the non-jamband group could be seen nodding their heads, enjoying the music and drinking a few beers. The jam-band group did not drink, smile or even talk - until we played 'Magnolia'."

Then the mayhem began. The jam-band group began stripping wildly, dancing oddly while kicking their ankles to their backs if they weren't crawling around in the mud and dropping acid.

"It was clear then that this group was clearly a bunch of fucking douche bags," Dr. Tanner said.

When asked how to counteract jambandism, Dr. Tanner said that his department has submitted a proposal to receive additional grant funds to find a cure to liking the Grateful Dead, hemp clothing, and lice-infested dreadlocks.