Total Asshole Wants You to Know He's Italian

HOBOKEN, N.J. - Total asshole and Hoboken resident Tony Giovanni, 32, won't miss a single opportunity to let you and everyone else within the confines of any bar, restaurant, workplace picnic, supermarket, and other socially interior locales, that he is descended from an Calabrese-Italian heritage.

"Hey, how you doin'?" Giovanni told the Dissociated Press, while chomping down on cavatelli pasta, kissing his fingers. "Having some 'gavadeels' [sic]."

Giovanni, who aptly works as a longshoreman on the harbor and is known to down a case of beer in one sitting, yet cannot speak a traditional word of Italian, recently announced plans to visit his "mudda's" house for some of her "ricatoni e muzzarell."

"Don't forget the proscuitt and gravy. Muah," Giovanni said, purposely dropping the last phonetic syllable to correctly pronounce "proscuitto."

Giovanni met trouble on the way to the house of his mother, Gloria Seider. On the intersection of Grand and Fifth Avenue, Giovanni reported that he encountered a "couple of mulignons" who wanted "a piece of him."

"I gave 'em the old eye," he said. "I says, 'You want to mess with me? Huh? You want to take this outside?' Of course they didn't, 'cause we was [sic] already outside, and I gave 'em the what for. I says, 'I'm straight from Italia, brother' and they hit the road like a couple of fanucchs."

Giovanni shook off the incident and reported to the Celery Stalk that "no one don't want to mess with" him, and announced plans to visit the nearest night club in a rip-off Armani to offer his "sau-seeg" to a couple of the "smoking hot chicks" while "bumping" to the latest popular music.

"I don't care. I ain't going to let a couple of schmucks get to me - I'm going to have fun," Giovanni said, before offering a hit of weak ecstacy he got from "Vinny the Guinny" on "Grand." "I'm an Italian guy - you don't want to mess with me, Jesus."

The youths, however, told the Dissociated Press that they don't recall "Giovanni", but recall seeing several people who resembled him at Jenkinson's beach bar.