New Jersey invaded, shore in ruins

POINT PLEASANT, NJ - The state of New Jersey was left in ruins Saturday, following an unexpected invasion of douche bags in several hundred souped-up Honda Civics from a bordering island.

The attack commenced at the conjunction of Route 287 and Route 440 and continued through to the Garden State Parkway southbound. The Garden State Highway Authority did report "heavy volume traffic" followed by "road-rumbling hip-hop" music from "exorbitantly inappropriate and annoying subwoofers" and a "succession" of "improper passsing and lane-changing."

"We don't know who they think they are, but they have caused delays, confusion and all-around disruption to New Jersey drivers, and has spiraled into snarling roadways in the entire tri-state area" a spokesman for the GSHA said in a Sunday morning press conference.

While the GSHA did not report injuries on highways, not everyone remained unharmed during the invasion when the breed of douche bags landed in their destination - the Point Pleasant, N.J. Boardwalk.

The U.S. Coast Guard received an anonymous alert around 9:37 p.m. Saturday night of the impending invasion. Seeking to disseminate emergency hazard responders quickly, Cpt. James Hollander contacted the State Police to dispatch all units to the scene.

"By the time we reached the scene, it was, sadly, too late," State Police Chief Robert Billings said.

Eyewitnesses and Jersey shore natives alike were forced to "deal with it," Billings told the Dissociated Press.

"It was ridiculous.", says Tommy Franks, bartender at the popular "Jenks" nightclub, "Everywhere i looked, it was nothing but pink polo shirts and pumping fists. Are they trying to punch the air or something? What did it do to them?"

Sir Walter Davenport, empirical sociologist at Oxford University, and the world's leading historian on douchebagery, claims it was only a matter of time.

"The Isle of Staten is the largest breeding ground for the douchebag variety, the odds were very good that they would eventually decide to leave the decrepit island on the same night, to the same clubs, in search of a better environment. Not planned, mind you. they just seem to go where other Douche Bags are. Kind of a herd mentality, safety in numbers," Davenport said in a briefing to the NJ State Police and United States Coast Guard.

Davenport explained that the douche bags may try to assimilate "futilely" and may try to use their qualities to attract local women. Fortunately, Davenport says, most New Jersey girls are impassive to the Douche Bag.

"The Douche Bags can be easily identified by a highly-inflated sense of self-worth, along with extreme dimwittedness," Davenport reported.

The Douche Bags, Davenport said, are also "unable to grasp the concept of buying shirts that fit." In addition, the inability to wear their shirt collar in the proper "down" position is further evidence of a Douche Bag.

The Douche Bags - also characterized by extensive tanning bed skin damage and a distinctive odor of Brut - have "limited, if any, communication skills" and have yet to explain the remissions they seek from New Jersey following the invasion.

"They seem to want a lot of Red Bull and vodkas, but, at this time, we do not have an official list of demands," Billings said.

Billings also reported that the enemy does have a rumored weakness.

"We do not have an official finding, but early study results are indicating that it has something to do with musical group called the Benjamins."

Still, New Jersey is reeling from an invasion Red Bank native Joe Blastino calls "senseless" and "horrific."

Blastino, out for some celebratory birthday drinks at Jenkinson's at the time of the invasion, also cites "fun" as a casualty of the invasion.

"Frankly, it was complete bullshit," Blastino said, "I was trying to enjoy the shore weather, having a few beers, and if they weren't unapologetically grinding against you, every ten minutes one of those douche bags would 'warn' me about looking at his ugly, classless girlfriends."

United States Environmental Protection Agency Air Quality Unit was contacted following the invasion. The USEPA has announced that, in addition to the debris of Budweiser cans, aviator glasses and hair extensions that devastated the area, the amount of arrogance in the air on Saturday was the highest concentration ever seen in the country.

Fidel Castro dies, no one cares

MIAMI - Americans around the United States "couldn't care less" about the much-anticipated death of Cuba's Communinist dictator.

"I'm three months behind rent," said Chicago resident James Hartford in an interview with the Dissociated Press from his tenement apartment building. "I don't really see how that news affects me."

Hartford's sentiments echo that of Mary Brown, an Atlanta native who declined to discuss the issue.

"Frankly, I don't even know who that is," Brown said.

The news of Castro's heavily rumored demise came Friday afternoon, after much deliberation and the ironically miscalculated reaction of Americans by the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

"We understand that people will storm the streets and pillage the towns in celebration of this news," FBI Director Nate Michaels said. "We will wait until after Friday afternoon rush hour traffic diminishes before we make any official announcement."

Michaels said that the FBI is working with local police departments to "beef up security" around sensitive perimeters and municipal structures to deter the anticipated "free-for-all" expected after the official announcement.


"I understand this is an exciting day," Michaels said, "but our country will work through this - hopefully, in an orderly fashion."

Alcohol ban "total bullshit," reports local teen

HOLMDEL, N.J. - A recent alcohol ban at New Jersey's premium concert arena is "total bullshit," according to area teen Jonathan Smith.

Smith, who planned to go to Friday night's Velvet Revolver concert at PNC Bank Arts Center and "get totally fucking wasted", was stunned and saddened that the deaths of two minors yesterday resulted in the concert hall's sudden parking lot ban on alcohol.

"I'm not 21 yet, so drinking inside is out of the question, unless Tommy [Nikon] can get me a fake by 5:30," Smith said.

Smith says that he is not expecting Nikon to follow through on the proposal, but has other plans to spend the night.

"I'm thinking about selling my ticket. I mean, I don't want to go if I can't drink," Smith said.

Smith also said that people "pretty much" go to shows to "get hammered" and without that element, the night is "pretty much a total waste."

While most people understand that there is really no plan in place by authorities to curb the practice of parking lot imbibing, Smith says that he is "hoping and praying" that the ban will be overturned.

"I'm pretty sure this will blow over. I mean, it was two stupid ass goth kids. Who cares?"

He also says that "drinking is good for musicians' careers", because the perception of the experience "changes when you drink."

"Last week I went to see Incubus there, and they would've totally fucking sucked if I wasn't drunk," Smith said. "They didn't even do 'Pardon Me'. I mean, come on."

New Jersey's Tourism Advertising Campaign "going well", says local deli owner

SEA BRIGHT, N.J. - Local deli owner Mario Caccianato "couldn't be happier" with the results of a recent New Jersey advertising campaign to drive tourism to the state's shorelines that border an otherwise debatable geography.

"Businses is good, you know?" Cacchianato said in an interview with the Dissociated Press. "More kids come in now, it's summer time, they buy more cigarettes and booze and go suntan on the beach."

The advertising campaign, launched by the petroleum capitol's tourism department last March, outlines all the fun events and activities vacation-seekers can find in New Jersey. The ads, featuring recognizable tunes from NJ native Bon Jovi, cover images of the Jersey shore, mountains, and carnivals.

Minnesota native Mary Hicks says she was convinced that New Jersey was the best place to plan her next family vacation after viewing the commercials.

"The beaches, the night clubs, the mountains...where else in the world can you go to have that much fun?" Hicks mused.

Hicks, who says that Caccianato's deli is "on the itinerary", plans to fly into Newark airport and head straight through New Jersey's Oil Refinery region to the Garden State parkway to "sit in bumper to bumper traffic" with those fucking Staten Islanders heading down to the shore.

"It'll be a once-in-a-lifetime experience, I'm sure," Hicks said. "I'm glad my kids are old enough now to really enjoy it and take in the culture."

The New Jersey Department of Commerce (DOC) plans to increase their marketing budget by another $3.2 million to target vacationers like Hicks.

"Obviously, we're doing something right," said New Jersey DOC advertising director Brenda Brooks, "Once the producers approached me with using that Bon Jovi song that he's currently being sued for, 'Who Says You Can't Go Home?', I knew that we had a winner. That song could sell a ketchup popsicle to a lady in white gloves."

Brooks says that Hicks' decision to visit New Jersey follows their assumption.

"People can choose to go anywhere in the world. Once they come to New Jersey, they'll see we have the same things to offer visitors as popular vacation spots such as Mexico, Italy, and even the Far East," Brooks noted, citing that New Jersey has similar offerings in Elizabeth, Bayonne, and Edison respectively.

Hicks, who cites Edison's Oak Tree Road district on the agenda, says she plans to get into a fender bender with an illegal immigrant who'll send his kids to school on your tax dollars and flee the scene of the accident.

"I'm just so excited about our trip!" she exclaimed.

When asked if she plans to visit the New York City, which lies about 3o minutes north from the Unioin Holiday Inn where she's staying, Hicks said that they might fit it in "if they have time."

Office Meeting Productive, Operations Manager says

RICHMOND, Va. - Following a four-hour debriefing on user traffic to the company website on Wednesday, office manager Jeff Burroughs of Richmond Cleaners said the meeting "went well."

"I think we got a lot accomplished," Burroughs told the Celery Stalk, outlining the agenda of the six-pointed meeting.

Burroughs described the detente as an afternoon ordeal without the option of coffee or donuts, outlining six-month action items on the company's website infrastructure, usability, search engine optimization tactics and more.

"We're very excited to be creating our website. And, I know we discussed many of these things in previous meetings," Burroughs said, "but I thought it helpful to recount many of the items that haven't been accomplished so we could sort of rework and reword them on paper."

Burroughs said that talking about the same issues over and over help to "reiterate" and "motivate" employees to "get moving" on their vaguely assigned tasks, like tracking user activity and reporting key search engine statistics on the company's two-page website.

Still, some office attendees weren't as optimistic. Judy Price, Richmond Cleaners senior accounting operator and lunchtime cash register operator, said she "really thought about quitting" during the first hour of what she called a "long, boring and pointless" conference where "no one knows what they're talking about, but everybody argues like they do."

"I just did some quick math. If I were to quit today and go on unemployment for awhile, I'd probably make out even better than I am now. And I'd never have to go to another meeting again," Price said.

A copywriting consultant who declined to give her name said, "I don't know, I kind of like these meetings. They give me a chance to map out my hectic day, like what time I should pick up my dry cleaning and how many bills I have left to pay. I even planned out my husband's entire surprise birthday party during one meeting, so it works out well for me."

Study shows blacks are darker than whites

WASHINGTON, D.C. - After an exhaustive 12 year study to detemine the difference between black and white people, the Washington-based Stabbone Institute has concluded that Blacks have darker skin than Whites.

"This is a really big day for us," said Dr. Art "Boner" Stabbone, lead principal researcher in the study. "After 12 long years and countless hours of work, we have finally answered one of the biggest questions humanity has ever faced."

Researcher Julio Cesar Smith explained that the study involved many tests of both types of people, which included lasers, UV lights, and electroencephalogy to finally reach a conclusion.



"Our test subjects went through a lot, but they now know it was all worth it," said Smith, outlining that of the 198 subjects of the original study, at least ninety-five percent of them participated in the experiment until the final conclusions were drafted.


The subjects of the experiment, half of whom were labeled "White", received free room and board and frequent sales discounts at Washington-area department stores in return for what Smith says "required all-nighters, exhaustive laboratory analysis, and habitational and sociological observations" that enraged some subjects.

"At one of the final stages of the experimental phase," Smith said, "we studied the dietary habits of the white group and the black control group at a local eatery in Washington, D.C. We starved both groups for several days to prepare them for the study, but we found that both groups were quite pleased with the free menu options, so, we hit another dead end."

Their discovery, Stabbone says, came "by accident."

"We wanted to study the survival skills of both groups, so we took them to southern Washington for a night 'on the streets.' "

"Our findings were substantiated when we realized that the black control group was less visible in the dark than their white counterparts. Suddenly - Eureka! - we had our answer: black people are darker than white people."


The findings will be published in the new issue of an undisclosed online medical journal. Still, Stabbone says he and his group have much work to do.

"We are going to take a much-needed vacation," Stabbone joked. "After that, we are going to us our findings for a federally-funded experiment that will determine if the National Hockey League is ignoring Affirmative Action requirements."

Police say baby found in oven was "Delicious!"

Raccoon City, MD - Racoon City Police, acting on an anonymous tip, found a baby cooking in a local woman's oven at 250 degrees for 5 hours.

"Whoever did this knew what they were doing," said Sgt. Leon S. Kennedy, officer in charge of the Special Tactics and Rescue Squad (S.T.A.R.S.). Sgt Kennedy says the baby was covered in a dry rub, and cooked on low, even heat to preserve the juices.

Lt. Christopher Redfield, grill master at the annual P.B.A. picnic, called the meat "exquisite."

"I've never had meat that was so succulent. From the shoulder to the loin, it was just perfectly cooked."

"Very tasty," Sgt Kennedy agreed. "This really is some of the best meat I've ever had. I imagine this to be the human equivalent of veal."

The child's mother, Conchita Zalgando Ruis, later confessed to the incident, claiming that the baby was "ugly."

"It looked like a pig, so i cooked it." said Ruis.

Ruis is being held at the Raccoon County jail, with bail set at $1.5 million.

Report: Area Woman Takes Eddie Money Up on His Offer

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. - An area woman has opted to accept Eddie Money's proposal, the erstwhile singer's lawyer said yesterday.

"Donna Richards, of Grand Rapids, chose to accept Mr. Money's carefully crafted proposal, originally drafted in a 1984 musical composition entitled 'Take Me Home Tonight,'" Money's lawyer, Sal Harding, said.

While the date of the "tonight" in question was not specifically identified in the song, the contractual obligation on the proposal is still open, Harding said, "without being voided."

Money told the Celery Stalk that he was "surprised" when Richards approached him about his proposal, citing that he was under the impression that the language of the text had expired.

"To be honest, I kind of forgot about it. I had given up long ago that someone would take me home tonight," Money said. "But, in light of the situation, I am considering redrafting my proposal entitled 'I Wanna Go Back' and submitting it to [Richards]."

Richards described the fulfillment of the proposal as "satisfactory", despite the fact that it has been open for over twenty years.

"The services rendered by Mr. Money completely satisfy the requirement. I would consider working with Mr. Money in the future," Richards said.

When asked about Money's previous legal problems, Richards said that she had no qualms about Money keeping his obligations.

"I know he was sued for exploitation after he promised two tickets to Paradise and took his girlfriend at the time to Fiji instead, but those were the wild and reckless eighties, and this is a whole new era."

Local Man Hates His Job

NEW YORK - In a breakroom tirade yesterday, a local man rattled an already shaky Wall Street with the claim that he hates his job.

Michael Connick, of the Garden City McDonald's on Route 87, told accounting technology engineer Victor Douglas that he "hated" his job and "didn't feel like doing shit" on Thursday.

"I was working the cash register in the drive-thru, and he just said he didn't feel like being [at McDonald's]," Douglas told the Celery Stalk.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average plunged 311 points following the announcement, amidst concerns that the an unenthusiastic approach to work could halt production rates and spread to other parts of the fast food industry sector.

The loss — the second largest of the year—is the most telling example of Wall Street’s increasing uneasiness.

"Mr. Connick's announcement comes as an extreme surprise. When we forecast this year's output, we had absolutely no idea of the magnitude of the general malaise and apathy of the fast food industry sector's driving labor force," said Goldman-Sachs chief financial analyst Robert Billings.

Investors sought refuge in the bond market, overemphasizing the volume and sending yield on the 10-year Treasury Bond to 4.79, down from 4.90 on Wednesday.

However, Billings reported that he is "positive" that the "fragile" economy will recover from the Connick claim, promising to eradicate all oversights of "that nature" for next year's forecast.

"I mean, what's next?" Billings joked. "You're going to tell me that the folks at the Home Depot Service Desk don't really know how to install a kitchen sink?"

Tom Cruise Finds Jesus, Converts Him to Scientology

In a shocking press release Thursday, the Church of Scientology announced the the biggest coup in the history of organized religion.

Jesus Christ is now a Scientologist.

An unnamed source within the Church of Scientology, speaking exclusively with The Celery Stalk, confirmed that The Son of God will be sworn in with a star-studded extravaganza aboard a DC-8 this weekend.

"Christ ran into (actor) Tom Cruise at an AIDS benefit hosted by Elton John in November. They both had a chuckle about how they were dubbed 'superstars', got to talking, and found out that they both had a lot in common," the source said. "Turns out both Tom and Christ's father have children through immaculate conceptions."

One thing "led to another," said the source, and soon Tom was preaching to Christ about the benefits of Scientology.

"[Christ] came back with colorful pamphlets, preaching about how anti-depressants, not greed, is the root of all evil, and how it takes practice to be a good housewife, just like it does to be a good stuntman," the source said.

"It really struck a nerve when he announced that he was annulling the Ten Commandments and instead issuing a list of gradients on the Bridge to Freedom."

The source continued to describe Christ's rapid transformation into Scientology's tresses, citing works from "Dianetics" and even greeting the Pope with a copy in hand.

"I was surprised when he told me that the Bible was full of lies to subdue the mind, and that the path to freedom was easily attained through monthly installments of only $795," the Pope told the Celery Stalk.

Still, all the universe is buzzing about Christ's pricey induction into the Church of Scientology.

"I was imprisoned in the Pyrenees 75 million years ago, but there was no way in fuck I'm going to miss this!", evil lord Xenu told the Disassociated Press. "This id going to be the biggest party since we arrived on Earth!"

Saturday night's in-flight welcome gala for Christ will cost upwards of $50 million and feature live performances by Rob Thomas, Brandy, and Beck, as well as resurrected greats Jimi Hendrix, The Doors, and Elvis Presley.

Host Tom Cruise had glowing words for Scientology's newest member: "It's amazing. I, uh, I had, uh, just spoken at a Narconon event and, uh, there he was," the Far and Away star told the Celery. "That night, Kate and I had him over for dinner and we all got along great. He even healed Suri's retardation. Thats when I knew we had to work together!"

There is no word yet on if Christ will take an executive role within the Church, but reportedly President Heber Jentzsch has been talking with The Church of Christ, Scientist about possible opportunities, and is rumored to make an announcement at the gala.

The gala's uber-exclusive list of invitees also included John Travolta, Kelly Preston, Leah Remini, and Danny Masterson.

Founder L. Ron Hubbard was not released from Hell for the event.