Discovery of geometrical patterns, numbers may yield evidence to extraterrestrial life

EDISON, N.J. - Researchers at the University of Texas announced Thursday that the discovery of a strange series of geometrical patterns, cryptic messages, and consecutive orders of numbers may, in fact, be "substantive evidence" pointing to the existence of extraterrestrial life on the planet.

The discovery was confirmed by astrophysicist and lead researcher, Dr. Mary Djuba, in a press conference at the location of discovery in Edison, N.J.

"These findings are astounding," Djuba said. "We've only tapped into the mere limit of human potential with the discovery of this quite probable alien text, and we believe it to be not only of social and cultural value, but one that will yield clues to advancements in science, particularly in the field of quantum physics."

University of Texas researchers "strongly believed" the document could be an "extraterrestrial calendar" due to its coordination of sequential numbers along a grid--but withing it was staggering evidence that the creator of the document suggests that time, and the presence of one event, could coincide and possibly repeat itself in the future.

Djuba added, "These findings allow us to see that other beings, like extraterrestrials, can view time dimensionally, and that the possibility of one event occurring in what we perceive as a 'day' can actually be reaccessed, or occur on a future 'day,' as noted by the arrows clearly marking the course of several days in succession."

The discovery itself surfaced late last week in the kitchen of a local area resident. It was there that a University of Texas astrophysics intern noticed the strange pattern of arrows, shapes, and colors hanging casually on a refrigerator in his grandmother's home.

He immediately noted its value and garnered permission to study the document, which was later confirmed by a University of Texas advisory board.

The owner of the document, who declined to be identified and only has a blank photograph on her Facebook page, said, "Well, if someone can make sense of it, I'll be grateful. I've been going down to my doctor's office every day for the past three months asking if they had me down for an appointment."

Sado-masochist Strangely Pleased at Economic Crisis

DETROIT - Defining the current economic conundrum as "another Great Depression" and a "surefire shortcut to losing [his] home", area man Derek Weaver couldn't be "more thrilled."

"Oh, man, I love it when things get really bad," Weaver said, adding that he really feels "mercilessly raped" by a capitalist infrastructure "gone wild."

While the entire nation, many of whom have large investments at risk, are biting their fingernails in wait for a solution to a critical issue, Weaver insists that an economic collapse will derive "great pleasure."

"Not knowing if my mortgage bill is going to be triple the amount next month is just exhiliration," Weaver said, describing that mounting financial pressures and a resulting self-destructive alcoholism was better than the time that his "ex tied me to a steel bedframe in a dank basement for six days without food or water."

"I really thought nothing would be better than that," Weaver said. "Boy, was I wrong."

Weaver, who frequently enjoys such pleasure-void experiences as burning himself with candles, being gagged, drinking urine and getting tied up and having sex withheld from him when he is aroused, said that the pinnacle arrived Tuesday, when he learned that the company he worked for for over 20 years was laying him off.

"Oh, man, I had a good jerk after I got that pink slip. I couldn't wait to get home and tie a rubber band to the end of my dick and spank it until it swelled up," Weaver described.

Humorless Feminists Protest TVLand Over Really Funny "I Love Lucy" Episode

SUMMIT, N.J. - A New Jersey feminist group, American League of Ladies in Power, is protesting a media giant over its broadcast of an I Love Lucy episode that hinders the power and equality of women, objectifying females and enforcing roles upon them.

The episode, which features a classically entertaining plot of gender reversal in which Ricky and Fred tend to the housework and Lucy and Ethel go out into the phallo-dominated "working world" of the 1950s, aired on TVLand at 10:30 am on September 28, 2008.

The iconic episode, entitled 'Lucy and Ethel Get Jobs', includes the timeless scene where Lucy and Ethel stuff chocolates in their mouths to keep the assembly line manager from realizing that they are not up to par to the task of wrapping chocolates - and ends with the girls receiving the ironic, but hilarious, gift of chocolates from Ricky and Fred as a truce.

"The episode in which Ricky and Fred call housework 'easy' and the implication that entering the working world is 'just for men' is a repugnant, chauvinistic approach to the complexity of womanhood," ALLY founder and president, Eileen Norvitz, said.

ALLY, whose members have already drafted a dozen protest letters to the network and plan to stage a rally against the Viacom faction on Monday, have echoed similar sentiments about that first episode of "Bewitched" where Darrin Stephens orders Samantha not to use her witchcraft.

"Just because he's a man, he should have power over her?" Norvitz complained about the highly entertaining fictional 1960s sitcom featuring fictional characters with fictional superpowers. "I would've twitched my nose and sent him back to the Dark Ages where he belongs. I'm not even going to mention Gladys Kravitz, who exemplifies the ill-conceived notion that housewives are mindless and gossipy fools."

Critics of the movement, like everyone who is not a feminist, had a differing point of view. Norman Fisher, a 38 year-old technology consultant, had doubts about ALLY's movement.

"Besides, everyone knows TVLand doesn't even have good shows on anymore, and it's the same shit everybody else has in syndication. If I were the group, I'd be more concerned about protesting their new programming direction," says Peterson. "I mean, what happened to iconic classics like 'Taxi' and 'Mary Tyler Moore'? I've already seen every horrible 'Just Shoot Me' episode - on NBC, because the show just fucking ended," Fisher said.

Investigators Wonder if Murder Suspect's Horribly Boring Novel on Computer Has Relevance

ATLANTA - Georgia state police and a team of technology investigators hoping to discover evidence in indicted murder suspect , Tucker "Sketchy" Graham's computer have proved a harrowing task.

"We think Graham took photographs of his victims and itemized them like a sick, twisted inventory of gore," principal investigator Cpt. Lionel Lipschitz told the Dissociated Press about Graham, a suspected serial killer who victimizes his marks through methodical organ amputation. "But so far, all we've recovered are a few family vacation pictures and a draft of this really terrible romance novel."

The task of reading the novel for any clues assigned to Sgt. George Martin is, according to Martin, "probably the worst assignment I've ever had."

The novel, Martin describes, follows a simple country boy hoping to woo a minister's daughter in his small town.

"It's such a derisive, generic piece of shit," Martin said. "I mean, who uses a simile like 'her eyes shone like the gentle morning rain on grass?' It's not even eloquently written."

Furthermore, Martin says, trying to prove to the District Attorney that the "scene in which Graham's protagonist has a lustful moment when he gazes at his object of affection when she sets down to admire the sunrise by the lake" has any correlation to the gruesome lobotomic death of area woman Jennifer Tracer is proving to be difficult.

"The D.A. wants more forensic evidence to secure a conviction," Lipschitz said. "But so far, my team has only a scantily edited 700-page novel with little plot, character development or direction."

"I don't even get his main character's flaw. Like, he's a country boy, she's a country girl - what's the big deal? Like why don't they get together already? 700 pages and he doesn't even try to stick it in her - I was kind of hoping she was this depraved lesbian slut whose minister father forces her to be with the unwitting protagonist to 'reform' her, but so far - there seems to be no conflict, dilemma or any plot-moving device of any kind," Martin said, further describing a 150-page lull outlining the protagonist background with a happy, problem-free family.

Also found on Graham's computer were pictures of his wife and two kids enjoying the day at Disney World in 1998.

Climactic Belly Exposure Not Really Worth It

NASHVILLE, Tn. - After nearly eight months of waiting for coworker Alan Bell's shirt to inadvertantly slip up over his stomach to reveal a glimpse of his abdomen, area woman Lara Fisher describes anything but exhilirating.

"I've always been really attracted to Alan," the 27 year-old sales associate told the Dissociated Press, "and I've always tried to picture him naked. So, naturally I was very excited when he rose to get off the couch at (friend) Tim [Nabert's] place. and his shirt hem had risen over his waistline."

Fisher then describes a horrific chain of events which began when "intuition" averted her eyes to Bell's midsection just "seconds before" he stood fully upright and pulled the hem of his shirt to cover his skin.

"In my mind, I thought, 'Wow, this is it. Finally!'" Fisher reports. "God, what was I thinking?"

If she had just looked a "few seconds later," Fisher laments, she wouldn't have been witness to a "huge disappointment."

"I always imagined Alan having a hard, tight body with a six pack abdomen," Fisher describes. "But when he stood up and his shirt came up over his belly, it was kind of just hairy and gross, like a 'beer-bellied frat boy.'"

Fisher, who has not had physical contact with a man in over eight months, describes the disappointment as a "serious blow" to her sex drive.

"All intentions of one day getting [Bell] drunk enough and crawling into bed with him have pretty much disappeared," Fisher reported, citing plans to purchase a mid-priced vibrator and watch six consecutive episodes of Supernatural starring Jared Padalecki.

Single area man determined to stop Russian forces

CHATTANOOGA, Ga. - Considered armed and dangerous, vigilante citizen Fred Markum is determined to stop Russian forces from invading - even if it takes forever.

"Those goddamn reds'll have another think coming if they even step foot on my block," Markum told the Dissociated Press, who didn't have the heart to tell him that Georgia is a city-state fighting for independence in the Middle East and that Russian forces are not planning on invading the state of Georgia in America.

Looking so cute with his little Confederate jacket and rebel flag and sawed-off shotgun, the 82year-old retired steel mill worker sat in his little rocking chair and drank peach schnapps listening for any potential indicator of an attack.

"What was that?" Markum repeatedly asked, his old, beady little eyes widening behind his big, bushy old-man beard every time someone on his block started an engine or police sirens went off.

Describing himself as "more ready than ever", the redneck described his militaristic style approach to single-handedly defeating the ruthless forces of Russian soldiers.

"Them soldiers like to fight dirty. Well, I can fight dirty, too, believe you me," Markum reported, describing his plan to continually fire his shot gun every which one until "each one of them was dead."

"They don't know who they're messing with. Forget Texas," Markum said. "Don't mess with Georgia."

Markum, who has planned similar affronts on "kykes, koons, katholics", gay people and blacks who even took an interest in any real estate sales on his block, says that his approach will prove to be successful.

"I had experience with this," Markum said, cocking his gun like a precious little stereotype before taking another swig of liquor, causing reporters in the press corps. to coo in delight at what a time-forgotten little man stood before them.

"Time to leave, Russia. Time to leave."

Two Old Guys Kiss

WASHINGTON - Two old guys locked lips on Tuesday, as morbidly curious Americans gaped in disgust at the wrinkled folds of two sets of dried-out, crackled male lips meet and part with a single string of sticky, old-person saliva.

"At first, I was completely offended," Barack Obama, 46, a Muslim of Des Moines, Ia. said. "I mean, just seeing that type of sexually implicit, yet completely sexually devoid activity, is an affront my religion. But then, it was kind of like I couldn't not watch."

Obama's sentiments were echoed throughout eyewitness accounts.

"Two men kissing is okay, I guess. I have gay family members," Dick Cheney, a 78 year-old federal employee told the Dissociated Press. "But just thinking about the how that disgusting old mouth tasted across the other guys tongue... Suffice it to say, I can never look at a bowl of pastina again and not feel myself gagging."

The two old men, one of whom was only conjectiured by a key witness as "this guy that hangs aroud here (Washington) sometimes", failed to be properly identified.

"I could've sworn I'd seen one or maybe even both of them around here once or twice," kiss eyewitness and avid "foreign policy buff", Condoleeza Rice, said. "But I don't really want to recognize them - if I saw one of them in person, I don't know how I'd react. All I'd be able to think about is the powdered Geritol residue left behind on his lips and the inevitable taste of pureed carrots on his breath."

The kiss, which lasted one half of a second, failed to initiate any further sexual contact between the two old men, but incited the digust of roughly seventy million Americans.

"Thank God they both probably have severe erectile dysfunction, or I would lose more sleep than I already have," Tony Snow, a public relations manager, said. "Thank God I don't know who those guys are."

Total Asshole Wants You to Know He's Italian

HOBOKEN, N.J. - Total asshole and Hoboken resident Tony Giovanni, 32, won't miss a single opportunity to let you and everyone else within the confines of any bar, restaurant, workplace picnic, supermarket, and other socially interior locales, that he is descended from an Calabrese-Italian heritage.

"Hey, how you doin'?" Giovanni told the Dissociated Press, while chomping down on cavatelli pasta, kissing his fingers. "Having some 'gavadeels' [sic]."

Giovanni, who aptly works as a longshoreman on the harbor and is known to down a case of beer in one sitting, yet cannot speak a traditional word of Italian, recently announced plans to visit his "mudda's" house for some of her "ricatoni e muzzarell."

"Don't forget the proscuitt and gravy. Muah," Giovanni said, purposely dropping the last phonetic syllable to correctly pronounce "proscuitto."

Giovanni met trouble on the way to the house of his mother, Gloria Seider. On the intersection of Grand and Fifth Avenue, Giovanni reported that he encountered a "couple of mulignons" who wanted "a piece of him."

"I gave 'em the old eye," he said. "I says, 'You want to mess with me? Huh? You want to take this outside?' Of course they didn't, 'cause we was [sic] already outside, and I gave 'em the what for. I says, 'I'm straight from Italia, brother' and they hit the road like a couple of fanucchs."

Giovanni shook off the incident and reported to the Celery Stalk that "no one don't want to mess with" him, and announced plans to visit the nearest night club in a rip-off Armani to offer his "sau-seeg" to a couple of the "smoking hot chicks" while "bumping" to the latest popular music.

"I don't care. I ain't going to let a couple of schmucks get to me - I'm going to have fun," Giovanni said, before offering a hit of weak ecstacy he got from "Vinny the Guinny" on "Grand." "I'm an Italian guy - you don't want to mess with me, Jesus."

The youths, however, told the Dissociated Press that they don't recall "Giovanni", but recall seeing several people who resembled him at Jenkinson's beach bar.

Millions "Ripped and Ripe" for Reunion Tour

SAN FRANCISCO - Millions of fans rejoiced Monday after the legendary rock super-group "Jesse and the Rippers" announced that they will be reuniting for an eleven month world tour, kicking things off at Madison Square Garden in New York City on September 21.

"I wasn't even this excited when I gave birth to my children", exclaimed self-proclaimed "Ripperhead" Patricia Ukodas. "This is just incredible, I can't believe it. This is bigger than landing on the moon!"

Along with frontman Jesse Consopolous, fans are delighted that the original lineup - the two other guys that played guitar, the bass player, that guy that played the keytar, the two white backround vocalists, and also the one black backround vocalist - will be returning to the stage. It was also said that they guy that sometimes showed up and played trumpet will be at some of the shows.

"We just knew it was time." said Consopolous. "We are once again ready to rock with our metaphoric [expletive deleted] out to some of your favorite Beach Boys covers."

Jesse and the Rippers broke up in 1990, following Consopolous' decision to embark on a jingle-writing career with no-name comic Joey Gladstone - the singer's roommate. The band went on to some moderate success with teen sensation Barry Williams fronting the band, then known as "Barry and the Rippers."


Consopolous then went on onto a solo career, capturing the number seven slot on the Japanese pop charts with his cover version of the Beach Boys "Forever".


However, neither Consopolous nor the Rippers captured the success they had when they were together. While never actually writing an original song, Jesse and the Rippers garnered a huge following, by doing what they do best - "rocking out to other people's songs," according to the press release issued by the band.


"They really know how to get a crowd going, like by skipping the entire intro and verse of a song and going right for the chorus." said television personality and brother-in-law to Consopolous, Danny Tanner. "They are a success, because they know what the people want."

While not touring with a New Jersey-based band, the Dance Floor Remix, comedian Joey Gladstone, life-long friend of Consopolous will be the opening act for the entire tour.

"I'm very, very excited." said Gladstone, impersonating 1920s cartoon character, Popeye. "Eleven months on the road with the boys - well, blow me down."

While Rippers fans are excited about the reunion tour, some expressed dislike for the "obvious nepotism" responsible for Gladstone's opening billing.

"It's a sham," Rippers super-fan Bob "Buckeye" Steeler said. "It's not even close to funny. I mean, the guy could at least fart on a snare drum or something. At least I would chuckle."



When Gladstone was asked why his stand-up routine was blatantly free of jokes and comedy, he simply replied: "Oh come on now, Cut-It-Out."

Enormous Fat Ass Entertains Patrons at Restaurant

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. - An enormous fat-ass titillated patrons at barbecue eatery, Porky's, when he commenced to chowing down on a large helping of pulled pork and rib tips.

"It was ... unlike anything I've ever seen," said customer Paul Peters. "Just watching his gigantic arms jiggle as he laboriously lifted another sauce-drenched chicken wing to his mouth was mesmerizing."

Despite his highly-entertaining behavior, the mysterious lard-o entered the restaurant alone and left without an applicable grand exit.

"It was like this gelatinous blob just swept in, devoured a table's worth of food, and disappeared with the wind," diner Melissa Hargrove, 32, told the Dissociated Press. "Then I thought to myself, 'Wow, the food must be really good here since I would never just come to a place all by myself to eat.'"

According to waitresses, the disgraceful glutton left a "nominal" tip, despite his "large order" and "numerous complaints."

"The chicken wings weren't hot enough, there wasn't enough sauce, the rib tips needed to be fried in more oil - I mean, the list of complaints did not end," Beth Fisher, a Porky's waitress who served the giganctic oaf, said.

Fisher also reported that the fat-ass appears frequently, "like clockwork", but does not ever bring along another guest, or consume less than 30,000 calories per visit.

"Well, at least he always orders a Diet Coke," Fisher said.