Two Old Guys Kiss

WASHINGTON - Two old guys locked lips on Tuesday, as morbidly curious Americans gaped in disgust at the wrinkled folds of two sets of dried-out, crackled male lips meet and part with a single string of sticky, old-person saliva.

"At first, I was completely offended," Barack Obama, 46, a Muslim of Des Moines, Ia. said. "I mean, just seeing that type of sexually implicit, yet completely sexually devoid activity, is an affront my religion. But then, it was kind of like I couldn't not watch."

Obama's sentiments were echoed throughout eyewitness accounts.

"Two men kissing is okay, I guess. I have gay family members," Dick Cheney, a 78 year-old federal employee told the Dissociated Press. "But just thinking about the how that disgusting old mouth tasted across the other guys tongue... Suffice it to say, I can never look at a bowl of pastina again and not feel myself gagging."

The two old men, one of whom was only conjectiured by a key witness as "this guy that hangs aroud here (Washington) sometimes", failed to be properly identified.

"I could've sworn I'd seen one or maybe even both of them around here once or twice," kiss eyewitness and avid "foreign policy buff", Condoleeza Rice, said. "But I don't really want to recognize them - if I saw one of them in person, I don't know how I'd react. All I'd be able to think about is the powdered Geritol residue left behind on his lips and the inevitable taste of pureed carrots on his breath."

The kiss, which lasted one half of a second, failed to initiate any further sexual contact between the two old men, but incited the digust of roughly seventy million Americans.

"Thank God they both probably have severe erectile dysfunction, or I would lose more sleep than I already have," Tony Snow, a public relations manager, said. "Thank God I don't know who those guys are."

Total Asshole Wants You to Know He's Italian

HOBOKEN, N.J. - Total asshole and Hoboken resident Tony Giovanni, 32, won't miss a single opportunity to let you and everyone else within the confines of any bar, restaurant, workplace picnic, supermarket, and other socially interior locales, that he is descended from an Calabrese-Italian heritage.

"Hey, how you doin'?" Giovanni told the Dissociated Press, while chomping down on cavatelli pasta, kissing his fingers. "Having some 'gavadeels' [sic]."

Giovanni, who aptly works as a longshoreman on the harbor and is known to down a case of beer in one sitting, yet cannot speak a traditional word of Italian, recently announced plans to visit his "mudda's" house for some of her "ricatoni e muzzarell."

"Don't forget the proscuitt and gravy. Muah," Giovanni said, purposely dropping the last phonetic syllable to correctly pronounce "proscuitto."

Giovanni met trouble on the way to the house of his mother, Gloria Seider. On the intersection of Grand and Fifth Avenue, Giovanni reported that he encountered a "couple of mulignons" who wanted "a piece of him."

"I gave 'em the old eye," he said. "I says, 'You want to mess with me? Huh? You want to take this outside?' Of course they didn't, 'cause we was [sic] already outside, and I gave 'em the what for. I says, 'I'm straight from Italia, brother' and they hit the road like a couple of fanucchs."

Giovanni shook off the incident and reported to the Celery Stalk that "no one don't want to mess with" him, and announced plans to visit the nearest night club in a rip-off Armani to offer his "sau-seeg" to a couple of the "smoking hot chicks" while "bumping" to the latest popular music.

"I don't care. I ain't going to let a couple of schmucks get to me - I'm going to have fun," Giovanni said, before offering a hit of weak ecstacy he got from "Vinny the Guinny" on "Grand." "I'm an Italian guy - you don't want to mess with me, Jesus."

The youths, however, told the Dissociated Press that they don't recall "Giovanni", but recall seeing several people who resembled him at Jenkinson's beach bar.

Millions "Ripped and Ripe" for Reunion Tour

SAN FRANCISCO - Millions of fans rejoiced Monday after the legendary rock super-group "Jesse and the Rippers" announced that they will be reuniting for an eleven month world tour, kicking things off at Madison Square Garden in New York City on September 21.

"I wasn't even this excited when I gave birth to my children", exclaimed self-proclaimed "Ripperhead" Patricia Ukodas. "This is just incredible, I can't believe it. This is bigger than landing on the moon!"

Along with frontman Jesse Consopolous, fans are delighted that the original lineup - the two other guys that played guitar, the bass player, that guy that played the keytar, the two white backround vocalists, and also the one black backround vocalist - will be returning to the stage. It was also said that they guy that sometimes showed up and played trumpet will be at some of the shows.

"We just knew it was time." said Consopolous. "We are once again ready to rock with our metaphoric [expletive deleted] out to some of your favorite Beach Boys covers."

Jesse and the Rippers broke up in 1990, following Consopolous' decision to embark on a jingle-writing career with no-name comic Joey Gladstone - the singer's roommate. The band went on to some moderate success with teen sensation Barry Williams fronting the band, then known as "Barry and the Rippers."


Consopolous then went on onto a solo career, capturing the number seven slot on the Japanese pop charts with his cover version of the Beach Boys "Forever".


However, neither Consopolous nor the Rippers captured the success they had when they were together. While never actually writing an original song, Jesse and the Rippers garnered a huge following, by doing what they do best - "rocking out to other people's songs," according to the press release issued by the band.


"They really know how to get a crowd going, like by skipping the entire intro and verse of a song and going right for the chorus." said television personality and brother-in-law to Consopolous, Danny Tanner. "They are a success, because they know what the people want."

While not touring with a New Jersey-based band, the Dance Floor Remix, comedian Joey Gladstone, life-long friend of Consopolous will be the opening act for the entire tour.

"I'm very, very excited." said Gladstone, impersonating 1920s cartoon character, Popeye. "Eleven months on the road with the boys - well, blow me down."

While Rippers fans are excited about the reunion tour, some expressed dislike for the "obvious nepotism" responsible for Gladstone's opening billing.

"It's a sham," Rippers super-fan Bob "Buckeye" Steeler said. "It's not even close to funny. I mean, the guy could at least fart on a snare drum or something. At least I would chuckle."



When Gladstone was asked why his stand-up routine was blatantly free of jokes and comedy, he simply replied: "Oh come on now, Cut-It-Out."

Enormous Fat Ass Entertains Patrons at Restaurant

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. - An enormous fat-ass titillated patrons at barbecue eatery, Porky's, when he commenced to chowing down on a large helping of pulled pork and rib tips.

"It was ... unlike anything I've ever seen," said customer Paul Peters. "Just watching his gigantic arms jiggle as he laboriously lifted another sauce-drenched chicken wing to his mouth was mesmerizing."

Despite his highly-entertaining behavior, the mysterious lard-o entered the restaurant alone and left without an applicable grand exit.

"It was like this gelatinous blob just swept in, devoured a table's worth of food, and disappeared with the wind," diner Melissa Hargrove, 32, told the Dissociated Press. "Then I thought to myself, 'Wow, the food must be really good here since I would never just come to a place all by myself to eat.'"

According to waitresses, the disgraceful glutton left a "nominal" tip, despite his "large order" and "numerous complaints."

"The chicken wings weren't hot enough, there wasn't enough sauce, the rib tips needed to be fried in more oil - I mean, the list of complaints did not end," Beth Fisher, a Porky's waitress who served the giganctic oaf, said.

Fisher also reported that the fat-ass appears frequently, "like clockwork", but does not ever bring along another guest, or consume less than 30,000 calories per visit.

"Well, at least he always orders a Diet Coke," Fisher said.

Apocalyptic destruction plans"going swimmingly", says Devil

NEW YORK - While he's kept a pretty low profile in the past century, as secularism and materialism dominate the global sphere, Prince of Darkness and ruler of Hell, Mr. Lucifer Satan said that his plans for a catastrophic apocalyptic destruction to lure all living and dead souls into the dominion of hell for all eternity are "going swimmingly."

"Believe it or not, just because you haven't heard much about me doesn't mean it hasn't been going well," Satan told the Dissociated Press in a Monday phone interview. "In fact, it's going better than ever."

Satan, who thanks MTV and LSD for creating an "apathetic, atheist" society that worships false, earthen idols resulting in general malaise about God and morality has made it "easier than ever" to tempt unsuspecting souls into brimstone and fire.

"The fact that Americans, specifically, are driven by the greed and lust generally associated with a capitalist civilization - I mean, I don't even have to get up off my throne to get little Johnny to steal that new Kid Rock cd in the midst of the recession."

However, a little stealing charge isn't enough for eternal damnation, Satan admitted.

"It's really the Kid Rock thing that the Man Upstairs can't overlook. When he gave mankind freewill, he kind of expected them to have better taste. So, I've personally looked after Rock's success. You could kind of say I'm his biggest fan."

Satan, who expects to ink at least a thousand more soul-swapping contracts this afternoon for "a variety of useless, mundane human desires", is sure that when the Apocalypse occurs, his spawn will be ready for the battle.

"I just got a soul for a pack of cigarettes," Satan said, scoffing. "Cigarettes! Don't people know you can die of cancer ... sooner than later?"

"People who like jam band rock pretentious, douche-y", study says

WASHINGTON - An ongoing five-year study at the University of Washington revealed its astonishing findings Monday morning, surprising the scientific community and rocking the mainstream world.

Dr. Danny Tanner, lead principle of the federally-funded research assignment and director of the U. Washington Department of Social Sciences , announced the research findings at a press conference outside the Lincoln memorial highway.

"After an exhaustive five-year study, we've come to the conclusion that - while many walks of life contribute to our global and international societies mutually exclusively - people who listen to jam band music are by far the most pretentious and douche-y individuals to co-exist among us."

"They're just plain awful," he added, citing a double-blind experiment in which the jam band group was let outside for a cigarette with the variable, non-jam band-liking group.

Observing behavioral discrepancies, Dr. Tanner said the findings were "astounding."

"While the non-jam band group opted to smile gracefully and socialize with others while puffing on, say, a Marlboro Light, the jam-band group kept mainly to themselves, kicking their Chucks around annoyingly as they painstakingly rolled their own cigarettes by hand."

"At least they'll get cancer faster," Dr. Tanner added.

In another study, the participants of the study were asked to enjoy home-cooked barbecue food in a party simulation environment. Again, Dr. Tanner reported, the jam-band group continued to behave in an adverse and pretentious manner.

"Instead of chomping down on a juicy burger with all the fixins', the jam-band group predominantly chose to force down veggie Boca burgers with organic mustard on whole wheat, dairy and egg-free rolls."

"It's just obnoxious," he added.

Also surprising was the find that fifteen percent of the jam-band group sneered at the non-jam-band variable parties for enjoying a tasty meat patty. One, according to Dr. Tanner, went so far to reduce a girl in the variable group to tears by calling her a "cow-killing breeder."

Finally, the "piece de la resistance of the study" - according to Dr. Tanner - was themed as a socially normal concert setting. This study, Dr. Tanner said, is where his group finalized their conclusions.

"When we played popular music from the past two decades, the non-jamband group could be seen nodding their heads, enjoying the music and drinking a few beers. The jam-band group did not drink, smile or even talk - until we played 'Magnolia'."

Then the mayhem began. The jam-band group began stripping wildly, dancing oddly while kicking their ankles to their backs if they weren't crawling around in the mud and dropping acid.

"It was clear then that this group was clearly a bunch of fucking douche bags," Dr. Tanner said.

When asked how to counteract jambandism, Dr. Tanner said that his department has submitted a proposal to receive additional grant funds to find a cure to liking the Grateful Dead, hemp clothing, and lice-infested dreadlocks.

Fresh Princes Cashes in on Inheritance, Skips Town

In this undated photo, Prince
William of Bel Air poses for reporters
at a press event in London. The
Prince is wanted in questioning for
fraud in regard to the late
King Phillip's large fortune.




"This is a story all about how my life got twisted upside down. So, I'd like to take a minute - just sit right there - and I'll tell you all about how I become the Prince of Bel Air"

Chilling words excerpted from a poem penned by the inherent Majesty Prince William of Bel Air, found just days after he ran from the royal Kingdom - pocketing nearly $90 million from the late King Phillip's massive accumulation of wealth.

The Royal Family has yet to release an official statement on the Prince's "check in and cash out" routine, though it is conjectured by our Lady Princess Hilary that Prince William posed as cousin Prince Carlton to corrall the copious cash in the latest scheme that she deems, "totally rank."

"I don't know about you, but when somebody shows up at your door in taxicab claiming to be your nephew from Philadelphia, you don't just take him in no questions asked," Hilary said in an interview with the Dissociated Press.

When asked about her late father's decison to take in Prince William, Hilary only had this to say: "My father, for all intents and purposes, was a kind man, but I don't know how he made such a living as a judge, when he couldn't even determine that the [apparent] Prince William was, like, a total fraud," she said outside the family's reposessed 2.3 acre home in the Bel Air section of Beverly Hills, Calif.

Armed police officers escorted her off of the property moments after being ambushed by a barrage of eager reporters on a rather slow news day.

The scandal comes just weeks after King Philip's not-so-surprising heart attack that ultimately killed him and left the Royal Family in turmoil and disarray. According to local authorities, the not-so-Prince William was last seen in Oakland with a brightly-colored accomplice believed to be conman DJ "Jazzy" Jeff, wanted on sixty separate counts of trying to be cool.

Prince Carlton, who has also filed additional charges against the runaway Prince William for unlawful impersonation - and plans to continue with a civil suit seeking punitive damages for pain and suffering - left the Estate with little to say.

"If I ever find him or Jazzy Jeff, you can be sure that I'll have something to say. For now, I'm just grateful that I no longer live in the shadow of the son my father wished he had," was the cryptic message Prince Carlton left reporters with as he signed a handful of autographs and even posed for a photograph with a cardigan-clad posse of fans.

Queen Vivian was also mum on matters concerning her fraudulent kin.

"He called himself the 'Fresh' prince of Bel Air, and it came at a time when the kingdom was sympathizing with this radical socialist movement. I just thought it was cute. You wanted to pinch his cheeks. Now, I want to break his face. In fact, I want to see him dead," the Queen snarled at reporters when asked about the Prince's allegedly debaucherous affair.


The only person in connection with the scandal who fails to see the repurcussions of the fraudulent Prince's scam is Jeffrey* - who served as the Royal Family's Butler and declined to give his last name.

Jeffrey said that the it was "only a matter of time before King Phillip succumbed to the hazard of his poor diet and bad habits" and that the "Fresh" Prince just sat around and waited until the day that it would "all catch up to [Phillip]."

"After working myself to the bone my entire life for this man, I don't deserve a little bonus? He left it all to that penniless charlatan we had the distaste to call a Prince (William)?" Jeffrey said.

Still, Jeffrey says he does not sympathize with the Royal Family's coercion into poverty.

"To be quite frank, I'm not the least bit upset that his children will live out their days in squalor and squabble amongst themselves how they were led awry. In fact, I'll be taking an early retirement in Boca Raton while they feast off chicken wings in the trailer park estate section of Anaheim," Jeffrey said. "Joke's on them, litrally."

When asked why British people can't produce the phonetic pronunciation of the word "literally", he only replied with, "No comment."

Supportive Straight Friend Hopes He Won't Get Hit on at Gay Pride Parade

NEW YORK - Supportive friend and proudly-proclaimed "Super-hetero" Marc Geiger hopes that his attendance at the New York City Gay Pride Parade won't lead celebrating homosexuals to think that he is "available."

"Just because I'm here, does not mean I'm 'queer'," Geiger told the Dissociated Press with a wink. "I don't want any of these guys getting the wrong idea."

The 29 year-old, 280-pound New Jersey resident, who says he attended the parade to support his good friend, Raymond Aramark, who came "out of the closet" in 1998, reported that he is "comfortable" with their sexual difference - but wouldn't want to "participate" in that lifestyle.

"I mean, I saw this guy kind of looking at me like he thought ... you know, I was attractive or something," Geiger said. "I'm not one of those guys who would make a big deal about it, but I just - wouldn't want to disappoint. I'm straight, you know?"

The alleged suitor, however, Armani underwear model Gregory Fishburn, 35, told the Dissociated Press he doesn't remember ever seeing Geiger or being attracted to him.

"Are you talking about that fat, hairy guy who smelled like he needed a good douching?" Fishburn said. "I looked at him like, 'Honey, it's called deodorant. Look into it. And put down the fork, while you're at it."

Aramark, however, reported that he "appreciated [Geiger's] support" but his insistence on "attending the parade" and "talking about guys wanting him so much" was "incredibly annoying." "I wasn't even going to ask him to come," Aramark said. "He kind of just invited himself along."

Realtor Puts Positive Spin on Murder Site

MADISON, Wi. - Area award-winning sales and real estate agent Deborah Wilcox never loses a sale - even if death stands in the way.

"I've sold over four houses this week alone," Wilcox brags - and with good reason. Her sales numbers at the Century 21 Real Estate Agency are "a-one", according to her supervisor, Bill Siphington.

"[Wilcox] is our top seller," Siphington reports, and that's why Wilcox won't let a "little thing like a murder" stop her from selling a property.

Wilcox, who ran a thirty-word ad in last week's Louisville Criterion classified circular, said that the "charming" three-bedroom Cape Cod with a remondeled eat-in kitchen is a "must see" that boasts a large, well-manicured property.

"It was even featured in the April 16, 1999 issue of the Home News! " Wilcox tells potential buyers excitedly, omitting that the article actually reported on the gruesome and terrifyingly sadistic murder of 26 year-old John Matthews that took place on the property.

Wilcox begrudgingly admits that the house had "a little setback in 1999...but that shouldn't stop [buyers] from starting a home of [their] dreams."

"In fact, you could look at it like a little piece of history - how fun!" Wilcox adds, hoping that her potential buyers will focus on the "breathtaking" stainless steel kitchen appliances and not on the woodshed in the backyard where police found Matthews' horribly decomposed corpse.

Interested buyers can call Wilcox on her direct line at the Louisville Cenrury 21 real estate agency at (800) 777-1222 extension 316.

Actress Marlee Matlin: "I'm tired of being typecast"

HOLLYWOOD - Oscar winning actress and advocate for the hearing-impaired Marlee Matlin told the Celery Stalk at the 'Sound of Silence' press junket that she's "tired of being typecast" into "deaf roles."

"That's all I play - deaf characters," Matlin said through a sign language interpreter. "I can't tell you how many times my agent gets a call for another character - and they're all deaf! I can play other types of characters, you know. I have an Oscar."

When asked how her inability to speak could possibly hinder her quest for non-deaf character work, Maitlin responded: "I could play a mute - I do know sign language, you know."

Other suggestions Matlin had for casting directors were roles such as "X-ray Technician", "Telepathic Alien", and "Interpreter for the Hearing-Impaired."

"That last one is my favorite," Matlin said. "I could play an interpreter for the hearing-impaired who realizes that the people she interprets for don't actually know American Sign Language, but British Sign Language! There's an endless list of plot twists and dilemmas to make for a great made-for-TV movie or 'Curb Your Enthusiasm' episode."